third molotov cocktail made ☾ ( anonymous text | locked against anyone from beacon hills )

[mathematically]

I know a lot of you are likely to think this entire thing is stupid with how I'm posting it anonymously, but unlike some people, I know how to use the function and I'm well within my rights to post it anonymously especially considering the content.

If, at home, someone did something to you, something horrible that stripped you of what— what's supposed to be you, and took away your control and forced you into doing things because that's the only way that they'd stop and let you have control again and then decided that once you did what they asked that they wouldn't leave you alone, do they deserve to be punished? Should you want to kill them because that's the only way that maybe they'll finally leave you alone? They're not a good person, not in the slightest, I think. And they're on the ship, which, I know all of you are going to say go to security, they'll handle this but this is— beyond their area of jurisdiction because they haven't attacked you on the ship, and they've left you alone because you asked them to, but I don't know if they'll go back on their word or attack me again. If I do something wrong, they would, and—

I've had to do things for them on the ship because they wanted something and I could make it so they could get it because people trust me, and I've been doing it and I think they almost have it.

Do any of you know what it's like to be stuck between two options where one ends in someone hurting you in so many ways because they know every weakness you have and knows how to exploit them and the other has you betraying people and manipulating them in ways that you find yourself feeling guilty about? I just keep lying and hoping no one finds out and it's different than just acting like nothing's wrong because that's at least denial this is just being backed into a corner where I feel like I'm as bad as the person I'm helping. To where I think maybe I'm as evil as they are, because I'm using all these people too and if they deserve to die or be punished in ways that are deemed torture, I do too don't I?

Because I'm no better than them. Everything they've done to me, I've done my version of it to other people and I hate just want to make it all go away. I know how to kill them now, but I can't do it, can I? I don't deserve to get away from this, not after what I've done. Even if I want to. Even if I could.

[ ooc | cut texted purely because of the sensitive subject matter that has to do with what is basically abuse, general assault of a minor and sexual themes. if any of these are triggers, pass on by, or if you choose to read tread very carefully. ]

Comments

text;

[puppydogeyes]

You can still come to me.
I will help.

anon text;

[mathematically]

How?

[ Because how do you help someone with a person who can invade their dreams, can make it so they almost have to be on guard so much of the time without being anywhere near them.

video.

[mansuetus]

You must kill them.

Not all of your doubts shall die with them yet some will, and more will die over time.

anon text.

[mathematically]

And what if they never do? What if they just stay with you like a little voice inside your head that reminds you how they were the one you found yourself counting on because you had no one else to do that with?

text;

[executiveassistant]

Get help. No, hear me out. Not the security force, but a friend or companion you can trust. Find them, try to talk to them, and get their help.

Self-judging is a dangerous thing. At the very least, they can help you figure out what you deserve.

[She doesn't like the wording and this entire thing leaves a bad taste in her mouth, but

It's not the kind of cry for help she can just ignore.]

perma anon text;

[mathematically]

I don't trust anyone here. People trust me here but it's not mutual. And— sometimes I trust them.

I can't very well tell them this, now can I?

[ The problem with anonymous is this: you can't let anyone know it's you. You can see everyone else and see what they say and what they think you should do, but doing the things they say is always such a mess.

This response almost makes her regret this. Almost. ]

text | private | 50% encryption

[dilemma]

So kill them. Don't be an idiot and not think it through. This isn't a kill someone and dump them in the woods kinda place.

anon text | private | 100% encryption

[mathematically]

[ Damon, honestly, that was going to bug her if she left it on there, do not mind her bumping that up. ]

No, it's a kill someone and dump them in the oxygen garden or out the airlock place.

You don't think I've thought it through? Tried to figure out a way I could?

permavoice

[slipperysoul]

Sometimes the solution just isn't that easy. But it doesn't mean you can't ask for help.

perma anon texx

[mathematically]

And if asking for help gets more people injured or turns those who might help me against me because they've learned what I've done, what then?

Then I'm all alone.

video;

[gilding]

No one can let you have control, dearie. Certainly not in these circumstances. You need to take it.

anon text;

[mathematically]

[ It's hard for Lydia to pinpoint what about this makes her narrow her eyes because she can see it's not Peter, but dearie makes her feel nearly as bothered as darling does and it shouldn't. Because it's just a word. And it's how this guy talks. ]

That's easier said than done. You make it sound like I can go right up to them and wrench it from their hands.

voice;

[20mentholkools]

You get stronger.

anon text;

[mathematically]

[ Oh, she remembers you Riddick, yes she does. And that alone is enough to get her to say this one thing because you'd know about being strong, wouldn't you. ]

I was already supposed to be strong.

[ You're a strong girl he said once, Lydia believes it, she knows how strong she's supposed to be, but strong girls don't have this happen. Strong girls climb out of their hells all by themselves. Strong girls don't get caught in corners. ]

video

[withlace]

Even if you do want to kill them, what matters most is whether or not you do.

perma anon text

[mathematically]

What matters most is that they stay dead.

And this feeling goes away with them.

[ Because that's the problem, if she kills him, actually succeeds, will he just forever be in her mind or will her mind finally just be hers again? ]

And if I can kill them.

[jilt]

You cut their throat before they cut yours. Everything else will sort itself out in time.

[ it's a public feed because irene can't encrypt worth a damn, but this is the advice she'd wished she'd followed. ]

[mathematically]

And if they've already cut it once? Ripped it to shreds because they could?

[ it's something lydia doesn't talk about, how there's a scar on her him where a wolf chewed because she's only human and her skin is was like paper and— he has the upper hand doesn't he. ]

text . anonymous

[ironsights]

Self-pity is a waste of time and energy. Asking people for pity like this also won't be helpful.

Kill them or don't. You're responsible for the decision and what comes of it.

text . anonymous

[mathematically]

Asking for real pity would be attaching my name to this. Telling them about everything, that's asking for pity.

Kill them and be locked up for killing a passenger. Try and kill them and be killed myself. Try and kill them and fail because I could be precise and it would still somehow go wrong.

You don't know what you're talking about.

[enforced]

If you need help, there are those here who will help you, even if you feel you can't go to security.

Don't stand for abuse. It doesn't matter what you've done in the past. This isn't justice.

[mathematically]

So I'm starting to notice. You all want to help, but I'm pretty sure none of you are exactly what I'd need.

It's not what I've done in the past though, it's what I'm doing now.

[northerner]

If someone has wronged you in such a grave way, then it is only right you submit them for judgement. Aboard this ship none can be passed, but steps can be taken to keep such a person from you, if need be.

[mathematically]

They won't listen. I doubt it, at least. Argue that all I had to do was ask them to leave me alone.

[blunted]

You know how to kill them, off the fucker.
What're you waiting for, engraved invitation?

[mathematically]

Says the guy that should be dead.

[ lydia no. ]

this lock is pretty shitty STEFAN TRIED.

[sufferances]

[ it's too bad there, about stefan's canonpoint. give him a few more months and he'd be doing his own version of this. ]

There are plenty of people here who could help you, if you gave them a name.

...i read that as shiny jfc

[mathematically]

You're making helping sound like assassinating, you know.

text

[lockwood]

[As someone who had his free will ripped away from it via one sire bond to Klaus, this entry definitely catches his attention. Of course, his attempts for a Klaus free life back home have constantly backfired -- at least the dick isn't on the ship anymore]

You have to at least try to kill them, do something to break free from them. If you don't fight back, they'll always have the power.

And sometimes you have to realize that might be something you can do alone.

anon text

[mathematically]

We always have a power imbalance. Makes fighting exhausting after a while because it's not going anywhere.

...and I know I might have to do this alone.

[ Even saying that anonymously makes her feel a bit exposed, but how else can she respond to that. ]

text | anonymous

[cobaltblue]

You're not the only one. And if the asshole who fucked me over was on the ship, I'd want him dead, too. Some people don't deserve to live for what they've done to others.

text | anonymous

[mathematically]

But they're not on the ship with you, are they?

text

[nothlit]

[this person has come to the network anonymously, asking for help, even if this is a roundabout way of doing it. it angers him, somewhere deep in his bones, and he thinks of every person enslaved on Earth, Jake's brother, Marco's mother, his own family—]

you're being manipulated and used and hurt. you aren't evil. whatever happens to that person, you don't deserve to be punished for it too.

anon text

[mathematically]

they're only playing on my already there strengths. i've manipulated people too, before all of this. used them. they're just forcing me to do it now.

still don't want to call me evil?

text ; anonymous

[heltersskelter]

kill them
or find someone who can do it for you

text ; anonymous

[mathematically]

can do it for me.

it takes a special kind of person to do that. and where's the guarantee that they'll be really dead?

voice; locked 60%

[faderbroderson]

Self-blame is natural, but it is nothing more than a lie that paralyzes you. A lie planted by the one who abused you. This is not a matter of your own rights and wrongs, but theirs.

This person deserves death, and should be killed for both your sake and for the sake of those they seek to manipulate and use through you. If you choose to kill them yourself, know that it will empower you and feel gratifying, but it will not heal you. There is no shame in asking for help from those you trust.

anon text; locked 100%

[mathematically]

[ There's a bit of time where Lydia actually just replays this message. Not once, not twice, but three times like that will make it seem any less weird. It will not heal you, he says but Lydia knows herself ( or what she's supposed to be ) and what made her tick before Peter Hale was ever even a thought in her mind. She could talk about everything until she's blue in the face, but he'd still be there, the monster under her bed, the part of her mind that isn't hers and maybe— ]

You know.

[ You've done this before is what she really means but that doesn't make sense for her to type, she thinks. ]

perma-anon text

[fuckinghysterical]

[Even if LB had figured out how to do anon posts a long time ago, this is the first time she's bothering to do so, because there's no way in hell she wants anyone identifying who this was.]

if theyre on the ship with you and theyre forcing you to do shit you dont want to you should kill them.

i know thats what a lot of people are saying but you should really do it. even if you have to be sneaky about it.

make yourself stronger if you have to.

or maybe get someone to kill them for you although i would want to kill them myself and i wouldnt trust anyone to do it anyway.

but you cant grin and bear it for too long believe me.

before too long theyll likely target those you care about.

if they havent already.

perma-anon text as well!

[mathematically]

you're missing apostrophes.

[ Because that's better than focusing on anything else that she said, because what she's saying is true. ]

no one suspects anything is wrong or if they have, they definitely haven't asked me about it.

[ A lie, technically, she knows someone has asked but she's anon, she doesn't have to tell the truth. ]

text| encrypted

[entrapments]

[ there isn't much of a place to start with something like this. or maybe there are plenty of places. hayley half reads the message once, shuts off her communicator- then goes back to it some hours later and combs her way over every letter. maybe the message on it's own should be a foreign language- but the tone is familiar, and at it's core- this is something hayley knows. knows it like her own insides, shapeless and half-formed.

it's the first time she's used this encryption, but there's something to be said for a time and place. ]

someone told me once that the things you do wrong, haunt you.

anon text| encrypted

[mathematically]

[ there's only a few people who respond to this who lydia feels maybe deserve to know who they're talking to. hayley is one of them and lydia notes how the feed is encrypted and debates for some minutes on whether or not she should be anonymous still.

anonymous is much more comforting than it should be. especially when it comes to the people she knows. ]

having those haunt me is better than other things haunting me.

[ because those are not real things. they are inanimate memories. or would be, they're not real things that can be in the flesh. she can at least tell you those things actually happened. ( but then again, hadn't her time at home been like that too? ) ]

[text] ugh mostly placeholder until off hiatus but this wouldn't go ignored

[jurisimpudent]

[WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE]

If you kill him, you are a murderer. No matter the extenuating circumstances, a murder is a murder. You have been abused; this has colored your perceptions, enough that you want to kill your abuser. However, if you do so, not only will security have to act against you, you'll have bloodied your hands with deeply unworthy blood.

Let us know who it is. Come forward. We'll help you and protect you, and we will keep your hands clean, so that you can go forward without any murder on your conscience.

[anon text] I WILL TAKE THIS PLACEHOLDER GLADLY.

[mathematically]

Have you ever used Edgeworth? Been abused?

And don't dance around the answer.

text.

[swagneto]

kill them anyway.

anon text.

[mathematically]

they could kill me just as easily.

text

[parkours]

dunno the whole story but everyone saying you need to see SEC or whatever is right.

i don't think you're as bad as them but you don't need to suffer through that.

anon text

[mathematically]

i even have the head of SEC telling me that. i don't like empty words.

you still think i'm bad though.

text;

[tirade]

whatever you've done, you can make up for it by dropping the charade. if you keep going along with some psycho's master plan, you're gonna be hurting people

if you don't and choose to man up to it instead, you'll still be hurting them but admitting to whatever you done is what makes you a better person than the monster from crazytown that you're talking about

get away from them and find someone who can kick their ass if they come around knocking on your door

anon text;

[mathematically]

i've been in two rooms not my own in an attempt to get away from them. for the record.

if i drop it i don't know what they'll do to me (though i'm betting on something particularly not enjoyable) or the people who— the people who are being manipulated by me for him.

i was their plan b.