third molotov cocktail made ☾ ( anonymous text | locked against anyone from beacon hills )

[mathematically]

I know a lot of you are likely to think this entire thing is stupid with how I'm posting it anonymously, but unlike some people, I know how to use the function and I'm well within my rights to post it anonymously especially considering the content.

If, at home, someone did something to you, something horrible that stripped you of what— what's supposed to be you, and took away your control and forced you into doing things because that's the only way that they'd stop and let you have control again and then decided that once you did what they asked that they wouldn't leave you alone, do they deserve to be punished? Should you want to kill them because that's the only way that maybe they'll finally leave you alone? They're not a good person, not in the slightest, I think. And they're on the ship, which, I know all of you are going to say go to security, they'll handle this but this is— beyond their area of jurisdiction because they haven't attacked you on the ship, and they've left you alone because you asked them to, but I don't know if they'll go back on their word or attack me again. If I do something wrong, they would, and—

I've had to do things for them on the ship because they wanted something and I could make it so they could get it because people trust me, and I've been doing it and I think they almost have it.

Do any of you know what it's like to be stuck between two options where one ends in someone hurting you in so many ways because they know every weakness you have and knows how to exploit them and the other has you betraying people and manipulating them in ways that you find yourself feeling guilty about? I just keep lying and hoping no one finds out and it's different than just acting like nothing's wrong because that's at least denial this is just being backed into a corner where I feel like I'm as bad as the person I'm helping. To where I think maybe I'm as evil as they are, because I'm using all these people too and if they deserve to die or be punished in ways that are deemed torture, I do too don't I?

Because I'm no better than them. Everything they've done to me, I've done my version of it to other people and I hate just want to make it all go away. I know how to kill them now, but I can't do it, can I? I don't deserve to get away from this, not after what I've done. Even if I want to. Even if I could.

[ ooc | cut texted purely because of the sensitive subject matter that has to do with what is basically abuse, general assault of a minor and sexual themes. if any of these are triggers, pass on by, or if you choose to read tread very carefully. ]

Comments

[slipperysoul]

I'm not the one looking for opinions. I already made my choices.

[mathematically]

That's me asking for an opinion. I know my answer, I want to see what you think I think is worse.

Just by that.

[slipperysoul]

You think losing everyone would be worse. Having them all turn against you. You know for a fact that'll happen?

[mathematically]

No one knows that anything will happen for a fact unless you're omnipresent.

Statistically, I might have one not turn on me, and he'll probably just be mad I didn't tell him what I was going through and instead lied to him. Which in a twist of fate, he did the same to me so the hypocrisy is strong with that one.

And the others are just— they've already got trust issues.

[slipperysoul]

And they'll leave you because you lied about something bad happening to you. Ever thought about making new friends?

[mathematically]

Occasionally.

They're just a little— stubborn and stupid about things. They're— I like them even if they have problems.

Maybe they'll surprise me and not leave me, I don't know honestly.

[slipperysoul]

Then maybe it's actually worth it to try and find out if they won't.

[mathematically]

Because the power of friendship is stronger than assholes?

I reserve the right to hit you if I follow this advice and they do it anyway. Know that right now before you answer that first question.

[slipperysoul]

You can hit me as many times as you want, i've had worse.

But the power of friendship? [ snort. ] Might want to concentrate on how much you trust them. How much they trust you. Because having faith in someone means you still give them the benefit of the doubt even when they screw up.

People need time. And most of them also deserve second chances. Especially if you cared enough about them from the start. [ Stop making him talk so much gdi. ]

( 1.2 )

[mathematically]

I appreciate the downplaying of me hitting you, really makes me feel good.

[mathematically]

they're the only people i have left from home here. i—

[ i can't lose all of them. ]

[slipperysoul]

It's nothing against you, but unless you can prove you're capable of punching clear through someone else on board? I'm not gonna find you all that threatening. Doesn't mean you can't hit hard.

[ sigh. ] And if they care, they'll keep being the people you know from home. Don't think you even just talk to just one of them?

[mathematically]

I can set you on fire and not touch you. If that means anything.

[ lydia, honestly that's not how you word building your molotov cocktails. ]

Would you be happy and want to help me if I told you this? If anyone who was close to you, who had your trust told you this?

[slipperysoul]

[ stop sounding like connor oh my god, he's rolling his eyes so hard. ]

Would I be happy? Probably not. And I wouldn't be mad, or- disappointed in you, even if that's what you're looking for me to say to prove your point. You're assuming a hell of a lot about me and about the kind of people I know, but the world isn't just made of good and evil. People get stuck somewhere in between.

So if someone I trusted told me everything you've already said? I'd find something to do about it.

[mathematically]

[ she's a teenager, angel, god, don't judge her. ]

Do you know selfish people?

[ there's a reason she's asking that, promise. ]

[slipperysoul]

[ but she's anon!!! .... an anon that he's guessing is a teenager. ]

More than I can count.

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[mathematically]

I know a boy who is selfish enough to where, despite his very strange love for me, would be angry enough to want to wash his hands of me because I lied to him like this.

He wants to protect me. He tries. He just...really fails at it. And this is me purposely sabotaging him, really, so he'd be mad.

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[slipperysoul]

The only reason you did this can't have been to get rid of him.

encrypted 100%

[mathematically]

No. But that's how he'll see it. I faintly like having him around nowadays. But the argument will be how can I protect you if you just go right into it and don't tell me.

encrypted 100%

[slipperysoul]

I take it you've already tried telling him you don't want the extra help.

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[mathematically]

Stubborn, remember? If if I said I didn't want the help, he'd find some way to try anyway.

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[slipperysoul]

Then you just have to find a way to let him get over it. If he likes you that much, he'll come back one way or another. Or if you're the one that wants him around badly enough, let him save you some other time.

Believe me, I know from experience.