ataraxion | third molotov cocktail made ☾ ( anonymous text | locked against anyone from beacon hills )

I know a lot of you are likely to think this entire thing is stupid with how I'm posting it anonymously, but unlike some people, I know how to use the function and I'm well within my rights to post it anonymously especially considering the content.

If, at home, someone did something to you, something horrible that stripped you of what— what's supposed to be you, and took away your control and forced you into doing things because that's the only way that they'd stop and let you have control again and then decided that once you did what they asked that they wouldn't leave you alone, do they deserve to be punished? Should you want to kill them because that's the only way that maybe they'll finally leave you alone? They're not a good person, not in the slightest, I think. And they're on the ship, which, I know all of you are going to say go to security, they'll handle this but this is— beyond their area of jurisdiction because they haven't attacked you on the ship, and they've left you alone because you asked them to, but I don't know if they'll go back on their word or attack me again. If I do something wrong, they would, and—

I've had to do things for them on the ship because they wanted something and I could make it so they could get it because people trust me, and I've been doing it and I think they almost have it.

Do any of you know what it's like to be stuck between two options where one ends in someone hurting you in so many ways because they know every weakness you have and knows how to exploit them and the other has you betraying people and manipulating them in ways that you find yourself feeling guilty about? I just keep lying and hoping no one finds out and it's different than just acting like nothing's wrong because that's at least denial this is just being backed into a corner where I feel like I'm as bad as the person I'm helping. To where I think maybe I'm as evil as they are, because I'm using all these people too and if they deserve to die or be punished in ways that are deemed torture, I do too don't I?

Because I'm no better than them. Everything they've done to me, I've done my version of it to other people and I hate just want to make it all go away. I know how to kill them now, but I can't do it, can I? I don't deserve to get away from this, not after what I've done. Even if I want to. Even if I could.

[ ooc | cut texted purely because of the sensitive subject matter that has to do with what is basically abuse, general assault of a minor and sexual themes. if any of these are triggers, pass on by, or if you choose to read tread very carefully. ]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I don't trust anyone here. People trust me here but it's not mutual. And— sometimes I trust them.

I can't very well tell them this, now can I?

[ The problem with anonymous is this: you can't let anyone know it's you. You can see everyone else and see what they say and what they think you should do, but doing the things they say is always such a mess.

This response almost makes her regret this. Almost. ]

Find the people you sometimes trust, or the people you think you could maybe trust, and get to know them better. Ask them frankly just how far you can trust them.

It's hard when you have so much on your shoulders. Trust doesn't come easily, I know. But you have to take the first step to build it. You'll know when you can trust them to tell them, even if it's still scary.

[She really has no idea who this is, but while the problems seem significantly more severe, Donna is no stranger to trust issues. Sometimes, taking the plunge is the hardest part. But it's also the only way to know.]

People asked me if they could trust me, I lied. They asked me very frankly. You can understand why I believe that might not be the best thing to do.

I don't want them running off to defend me if I tell them.

[ Peter can rip the humans to shreds. Maybe even the supernaturals too. He's— she knows what he's capable of. Even if she trusted people to tell them that, they'd get themselves killed, so why bother telling them in the first place. ]

I know a thing or two about trusting issues, really. I get it. You don't need anyone to defend you, you just need someone who will give you their frank opinion about you, and your deeds, and your self-worth after said deeds.

You're going to have to take the plunge with someone, and it's going to be scary. But you're already here, so what do you have to lose?

[You're already considering killing people, bronon. It has gotten past the point of Serious.]

Whoever I tell puts themselves in the line of fire if they find out about me telling anyone what all is going on.

The people I might consider trusting? Surprisingly breakable.

[ Human. And even if Jenna isn't she's— who knows what could happen with her if Peter bit her ]

Are you a badass or not? What I've gotten from this conversation so far is that you don't want anyone to fight your own battles for you because you can handle it, but also you're afraid that if you tell someone, they'll be in danger.

I'll hand it to you that I don't know the full story here, but there have to be solutions that aren't end-all disaster.

[ Are you a badass or not? Yes, she is. She's Lydia Martin, that's why this is so aggravating and it makes her angry enough to scream and kick and yell— but she doesn't want to end up being illed. ]

Why does being a badass matter when it comes to this? I— I'm supposed to be.

It depends on how you define disaster.

I'm just trying to pin down what you're trying to tell me here. Either you can handle it on your own or you can't.

But personally, I think badassery would be thinking you can handle it on your own, but knowing you want help. And then getting the help you want.

I should be able to handle it on my own.

[ Should, but it's debatable if she can and it stings to even admit that. ]

Is that what you'd do?

[It's hard to deal with feelings. She knows. And she wants to be strong herself, sometimes. But if there's one thing she's learned...]

Yes. Because I value myself enough to know that I deserve help when I want it.

[Not when she needs it. When she wants it.

Gotta take care of your heart and your emotions. It's important.]

[ Donna can't know that this is Lydia, and even beyond that, Lydia's nearly sure that Donna wouldn't know what she used to say about herself at home ( and what Jackson said, and what everyone said ) where the saying was what Lydia wants, Lydia gets, maybe it was a comment about how she was a little rich girl with others and maybe Jackson said it a little mockingly with Allison because ha ha look at me I'm whipped and it sucks but Lydia knows she meant it is as her going for whatever she wants and getting it because that's just who she is. ]

What you want, you get.

[ Go after it, but using those words doesn't feel right. Not right now. ]

[She agrees with the sentiment, to a degree, but she has to add an amendment.]

And what I want, I deserve.

[Because she knows she's a badass, and she knows she's flawless, and thus if she wants help, she deserves it after being flawless for so long.

Donna doesn't know who this is, but she's hoping--beyond hope really--that this little ideology might help a little bit.]

Because you're you.

[ Because people like you deserve it and so does she. ]

I'll tell you who this is after I get everything settled. Just so you know.

third molotov cocktail made ☾ ( anonymous text | locked against anyone from beacon hills )

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