third molotov cocktail made ☾ ( anonymous text | locked against anyone from beacon hills )

[mathematically]

I know a lot of you are likely to think this entire thing is stupid with how I'm posting it anonymously, but unlike some people, I know how to use the function and I'm well within my rights to post it anonymously especially considering the content.

If, at home, someone did something to you, something horrible that stripped you of what— what's supposed to be you, and took away your control and forced you into doing things because that's the only way that they'd stop and let you have control again and then decided that once you did what they asked that they wouldn't leave you alone, do they deserve to be punished? Should you want to kill them because that's the only way that maybe they'll finally leave you alone? They're not a good person, not in the slightest, I think. And they're on the ship, which, I know all of you are going to say go to security, they'll handle this but this is— beyond their area of jurisdiction because they haven't attacked you on the ship, and they've left you alone because you asked them to, but I don't know if they'll go back on their word or attack me again. If I do something wrong, they would, and—

I've had to do things for them on the ship because they wanted something and I could make it so they could get it because people trust me, and I've been doing it and I think they almost have it.

Do any of you know what it's like to be stuck between two options where one ends in someone hurting you in so many ways because they know every weakness you have and knows how to exploit them and the other has you betraying people and manipulating them in ways that you find yourself feeling guilty about? I just keep lying and hoping no one finds out and it's different than just acting like nothing's wrong because that's at least denial this is just being backed into a corner where I feel like I'm as bad as the person I'm helping. To where I think maybe I'm as evil as they are, because I'm using all these people too and if they deserve to die or be punished in ways that are deemed torture, I do too don't I?

Because I'm no better than them. Everything they've done to me, I've done my version of it to other people and I hate just want to make it all go away. I know how to kill them now, but I can't do it, can I? I don't deserve to get away from this, not after what I've done. Even if I want to. Even if I could.

[ ooc | cut texted purely because of the sensitive subject matter that has to do with what is basically abuse, general assault of a minor and sexual themes. if any of these are triggers, pass on by, or if you choose to read tread very carefully. ]

Comments

[mathematically]

best friend. and boyfriend.

yeah? i bet he doesn't have the leverage over you that mine has over me. if he does, well, i'd be shocked, honestly. like completely shocked and ask you how in the hell that happened.

[ there's something very sad about the fact that lydia's talked to the mayor, honestly. ]

i'm human. they're not. people i'm manipulating, mostly not human, but one is.

[tirade]

[ boyfriend. buffy's romantic entanglements are way too screwed to offer any advice on that subject, but she can sympathize. ]

so your two most important people. major suckage is probably an understatement there

he has a creepy cracked out attitude that makes him look like sunshine and rainbows and friendship to anyone that looks at him and he knows who and what i care about and how to twist that to his advantage and get under my skin. he's not ordinary joe material either way

[ considering he's invulnerable in his current form. and while she and faith aren't on the best terms and she and angel can't be within proximity of each other without launching into an argument, they've been able to hold their own without her assistance when faced with a foe. but lydia, please, you need to stop cavorting with the skeevy older men. ]

but that doesn't mean i won't kick his ass, he just has to give me an excuse to airlock him. but your case is a gazillion times different

human or not you can still protect yourself with the right tools. if they're not of the human persuasion, they have to have some weakness, right? and the people you're manipulating — would they be strong enough to take them if it became one big mess of a showdown?

[mathematically]

just a little bit.

...honest question, is he the type to tell you to turn frowns upside down and maybe offer handkerchiefs if you're sobbing a little?

[ it was honest to god accident this time, okay? you never know what can happen with those jumps, and it sucks, the end. ]

he knew my boyfriend and my best friend were my weakest spots. it's not a gazillion. more like a billion times different.

technically. they're— they're capable of it. it's getting them all on board with it. that's the big tripping block.

[tirade]

if he gives off stepford wife vibes? bingo. sounds like the happy let's all hold hands gibberish he's got a fetish for.

do you think you deserve their help? non-bitchy question right there. if you do, if you've jumped through burning hoops to earn their trust, push for it. you can't trust people who won't trust you, right? you already said you worked to get theirs. trust them to do what's right by you.

and this is totally left-field but i've got an open door and an open bed if you wanna take a mini-vacation from all of the mumbo jumbo chaos going on. i'm not a creepy perv who gets their jollies by watching people sleep (and i'm gonna guess you aren't either, it's so passe), i promise. probably not an offer you're gonna jump up and down to accept but it's there just in case

[mathematically]

...that's just what i needed to hear.

[ sarcasm at its finest right now. ]

i. i don't know. that makes sense, doesn't it? that you don't know if you deserve the help because of what you've done. and normally you don't care because everyone knows you're a bitch but it's a like a teen movie, stereotype that they know to expect. not like this.

...i'll think about the room though.

[tirade]

sorry. space likes to feed off of tact.

i've met horrible and bitchy people. first impression for me is that i'm not getting any horrible bitchy people vibes off of you.

just beep me when you wanna talk more about it.

[mathematically]

the secret no one ever tells you when you come here.

you're getting the version of me that's a little de-clawed. i'm not even remotely nice. even to my best friend i was a bitch.

...okay.