ataraxion | third molotov cocktail made ☾ ( anonymous text | locked against anyone from beacon hills )

third molotov cocktail made ☾ ( anonymous text | locked against anyone from beacon hills )

I know a lot of you are likely to think this entire thing is stupid with how I'm posting it anonymously, but unlike some people, I know how to use the function and I'm well within my rights to post it anonymously especially considering the content.

If, at home, someone did something to you, something horrible that stripped you of what— what's supposed to be you, and took away your control and forced you into doing things because that's the only way that they'd stop and let you have control again and then decided that once you did what they asked that they wouldn't leave you alone, do they deserve to be punished? Should you want to kill them because that's the only way that maybe they'll finally leave you alone? They're not a good person, not in the slightest, I think. And they're on the ship, which, I know all of you are going to say go to security, they'll handle this but this is— beyond their area of jurisdiction because they haven't attacked you on the ship, and they've left you alone because you asked them to, but I don't know if they'll go back on their word or attack me again. If I do something wrong, they would, and—

I've had to do things for them on the ship because they wanted something and I could make it so they could get it because people trust me, and I've been doing it and I think they almost have it.

Do any of you know what it's like to be stuck between two options where one ends in someone hurting you in so many ways because they know every weakness you have and knows how to exploit them and the other has you betraying people and manipulating them in ways that you find yourself feeling guilty about? I just keep lying and hoping no one finds out and it's different than just acting like nothing's wrong because that's at least denial this is just being backed into a corner where I feel like I'm as bad as the person I'm helping. To where I think maybe I'm as evil as they are, because I'm using all these people too and if they deserve to die or be punished in ways that are deemed torture, I do too don't I?

Because I'm no better than them. Everything they've done to me, I've done my version of it to other people and I hate just want to make it all go away. I know how to kill them now, but I can't do it, can I? I don't deserve to get away from this, not after what I've done. Even if I want to. Even if I could.

[ ooc | cut texted purely because of the sensitive subject matter that has to do with what is basically abuse, general assault of a minor and sexual themes. if any of these are triggers, pass on by, or if you choose to read tread very carefully. ]

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[ glass can cut when someone smashes it into pieces, much like the thorns on a rose can nick the skin of whoever is holding it. Lydia knows even broken she's supposed to be better than this, her pieces can get into your skin and cut jagged little lines all over it.

what secrets does she have from peter hale? not any real ones, really, they're all laid bare the second he gets into her head aren't they? because he knows better than to let her have one. ]

he gives things back.

[ because he had left her alone. he didn't touch her when she didn't want it. she had been the one to hug him. but that's not the same thing, is it? ]

there's nothing i love here that i'd try to keep secret. not any more.

[ it's revealing too much, perhaps, but lydia can't bring herself to care. ]

you're willing to take that risk? that he won't be back. that you won't get home. that he won't be in danger back there?

you're too smart for that.

hayley if you're going to keep talking like that, at least do me the courtesy of saying my name. since you're so sure you know who this is.

[ because the loss of jackson is too fresh and allison only left the jump before and it's not fair. ]

[ so much of this is just not her style. hayley doesn't comfort. those places inside of her were hollowed out years ago- but this-

the video clicks on, and that's something in itself.
something unflinching, and strong. see me. ]

I want to help you, Lydia.

[ she's calmed down since she originally made this, enough to where her voice doesn't shake and to where her hands aren't and to where she's trying so hard to not scream in pure frustration.

but she knows she still looks like a mess so voice, and only voice it is. she can't lie when hayley would likely just turn around and text her with a comment of i know it was you, and she's right so why not give her a prize. ]

You can't.

[ she winces as soon as the words leave her mouth because it sounds so defeated and when did she start sounding like that. ]

I can.

[ it's too matter of fact, too personal. Hayley hasn't known her for years, they aren't best friends. they've agreed to lie to eachother when it suits them, to be honest when it doesn't. but there's more to it than that and though she knows she has the option- Hayley isn't running. she doesn't know who, what she is, when she's like this- leaning over the feed and watching her. but for the fracture in Lydia's voice, it's a fair trade.

there's no sympathy in her voice, no pity (because pity is for something weak and small and Lydia- no Lydia has never been that) but something open. mutual understanding. ]

Because you're going to take care of it.
You don't have a choice.

You can't.

[ you're human, you don't know Peter, you can't is what she should say, because that's details and concrete knowledge that Hayley can't help her. if she tries to help Peter might tear her apart or maybe worse just turn her and then i have a wolf and you, my darling girl might happen and— Hayley isn't Allison, and she isn't like a lot of people on this ship, she is something that just is. she is Hayley and Lydia is Lydia and that's that.

she wants Hayley to run though, because that is a better plan than dealing with this. ( there's a part of her that can tell there's no pity in Hayley's voice and it's strange to know, because pitying the crazy girl seems like what people do. ) ]

I have a choice. I can take care of it or I cannot take care of it. That's a choice.

[ maybe it's not a real choice, but it's the only choice Lydia can say she safely has when it comes to this. ]

No you don't.

[ take this it moves in the space between her breaths, something alive and all it's own that arcs through her ribcage and climbs out. something in her blood that drowns out all else when the time comes- when they're begging and crying. something that steadies her hand and shows her, shows her her own resolve. take this and use it. be your own weapon. make yourself the bullet.

hayley's lashes lower and she can see it, that quivering thread- fear and doubt in lydia's face and for one moment she wants to know, she wants to ask what did you see? what got inside you? but that-

that doesn't matter.
and hayley knows that better than anyone.

there're some things you can't undo. some things that change you.
and you're better off knowing that you can't go back. ]

Because you do what you have to do, to protect your own.

My own. That's hilarious.

[ because her own is all gone. the two things that were strictly hers ( damn what Derek said about pack and what Kate might want, Jackson and Allison were hers ) are gone now and what's there to protect. what's there to protect but her already half broken head. Hayley can't understand what it's like to be exactly in her position.

she doesn't know how Peter Hale won't get out of her, how Lydia is terrified there's always going to be that part that's still him in her and it makes her want to rip open her skin to make it leave and—

it doesn't matter because Hayley doesn't need to know any of that. she just needs to understand what Lydia is saying. ]

At this point my own is just me. And even that I think is a little less certain than you think it would be. I have a choice, Hayley. You can't help me.

So you're gonna gamble it then. That you won't get back, or more importantly, you're gonna go ahead and bet that this ship, clusterfuck central, isn't going to bring them back. That it isn't going to have someone just show up, and be put in danger.

Right? That's the plan Lydia?
That's your well-thought out, genius girl plan?

Oh please, that isn't you.

You can't even guarantee that people properly die here. Or do you think Jason and Tim are flukes?

I doesn't matter what my plan is, Hayley. I can't make it so I know it'll work beyond a shadow of a doubt.

I just want that simple confirmation. That certainty. It's— this isn't even your problem.

Maybe not beyond a shadow of a doubt.
But it isn't doing anything to minimize the collateral damage, is it.

[ it isn't really a question so much as a statement of fact. she gets it. hayley understands the scraping, clawing need for certainty and absolutes, but those aren't coming. not any time soon.

hayley lowers her guard, and with it, her voice quiets. low but no less sturdy.]

It's my problem because I want it to be.

You don't— it's not just— I don't have to explain myself to you. I don't have to explain how this is different than anything at home that I can handle that you can handle.

[ it's said with enough annoyance and anger that lydia wonders where that's been for months because this isn't just being annoyed this is lydia lashing out because she can and because it's something that feels good and right and normal and like she's supposed to be.

but then she pauses, and her own voice stays the same though takes on a bit of a flat quality. ]

Why, because you care about what happens to me?

Yeah. Because I care about what happens to you.

Why?

[ because in lydia's mind, she knows what they are, how they work and how, strictly speaking, there's no real need to care about what happens to the other. so why would she? ]

I like you.

Why? A lot of people like me, have liked me, that doesn't mean they have to care about me. Why do you like me?

I'm still trying to figure that out.

Look, I'm sure there're loads of people going on about wanting to protect you, or keep you safe or whatever, but some people don't need protecting, and you're one of them.

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third molotov cocktail made ☾ ( anonymous text | locked against anyone from beacon hills )

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