ataraxion | third molotov cocktail made ☾ ( anonymous text | locked against anyone from beacon hills )

I know a lot of you are likely to think this entire thing is stupid with how I'm posting it anonymously, but unlike some people, I know how to use the function and I'm well within my rights to post it anonymously especially considering the content.

If, at home, someone did something to you, something horrible that stripped you of what— what's supposed to be you, and took away your control and forced you into doing things because that's the only way that they'd stop and let you have control again and then decided that once you did what they asked that they wouldn't leave you alone, do they deserve to be punished? Should you want to kill them because that's the only way that maybe they'll finally leave you alone? They're not a good person, not in the slightest, I think. And they're on the ship, which, I know all of you are going to say go to security, they'll handle this but this is— beyond their area of jurisdiction because they haven't attacked you on the ship, and they've left you alone because you asked them to, but I don't know if they'll go back on their word or attack me again. If I do something wrong, they would, and—

I've had to do things for them on the ship because they wanted something and I could make it so they could get it because people trust me, and I've been doing it and I think they almost have it.

Do any of you know what it's like to be stuck between two options where one ends in someone hurting you in so many ways because they know every weakness you have and knows how to exploit them and the other has you betraying people and manipulating them in ways that you find yourself feeling guilty about? I just keep lying and hoping no one finds out and it's different than just acting like nothing's wrong because that's at least denial this is just being backed into a corner where I feel like I'm as bad as the person I'm helping. To where I think maybe I'm as evil as they are, because I'm using all these people too and if they deserve to die or be punished in ways that are deemed torture, I do too don't I?

Because I'm no better than them. Everything they've done to me, I've done my version of it to other people and I hate just want to make it all go away. I know how to kill them now, but I can't do it, can I? I don't deserve to get away from this, not after what I've done. Even if I want to. Even if I could.

[ ooc | cut texted purely because of the sensitive subject matter that has to do with what is basically abuse, general assault of a minor and sexual themes. if any of these are triggers, pass on by, or if you choose to read tread very carefully. ]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I'm not like other people. Other people roll over and show their bellies when presented with things stronger than them. I don't— I hate doing that.

I'm supposed to be strong. Not this.

[ It's supposed to be true. Lydia has never met someone she couldn't go toe to toe with until Peter. Peter who wormed his way into her mind and Peter who took away her control and who stripped her down to her bones that he can break so easily.

There's different kinds of strength, she knows that, but hers is supposed to be better. ]

Then you do something about it.

[Not this, though. Throwing thoughts out like this, asking questions, that's not a way to get strength, not in Riddick's eyes. It's just more weakness, just signs of what exactly has been broken.]

[ Sometimes you have to break before you can build yourself up. Lydia's pretty sure she's read that somewhere, maybe this is what she needed. Maybe. ]

I think I've forgotten how.

Learn it again.

I shouldn't have to.

[ I hate that I have to. ]

You think the 'verse gives a shit? Something's always gonna try to kill you. You let it, or you get stronger.

Survival of the fittest. Right? If you can't pull yourself out a situation like this or defend yourself from someone wanting to kill you, then you deserve to die. Or be killed.

Edited (...there was a lot of missing stuff okay) 2013-03-23 21:31 (UTC)

[There's a pause, because he could agree with that completely. Seven years ago, he might have done. But deserve to die -- that's too strong, and he's seen too many kids broken and crushed when they hadn't deserved shit. And then there was Carolyn. The Imam. Kyra.]

You pull yourself out, if you want to survive.

[ The response takes her a while to actually write, with her deleting it and writing it and deleting and rewriting it before she finally settles on what she wants to say. ]

Thank you, Riddick. [ And then. ] You already know I can survive.

[The way word goes on the ship and how Riddick keeps to himself, it means plenty of people know of him and he knows of plenty of people, but there aren't many that could talk to him like that.

A mistake, probably. Only made worse by him giving more advice now.]

Never a one time thing.

[Survival. It was a constant fight. But that's the last he's got to say, and he cuts the feed.]

third molotov cocktail made ☾ ( anonymous text | locked against anyone from beacon hills )

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