third molotov cocktail made ☾ ( anonymous text | locked against anyone from beacon hills )

[mathematically]

I know a lot of you are likely to think this entire thing is stupid with how I'm posting it anonymously, but unlike some people, I know how to use the function and I'm well within my rights to post it anonymously especially considering the content.

If, at home, someone did something to you, something horrible that stripped you of what— what's supposed to be you, and took away your control and forced you into doing things because that's the only way that they'd stop and let you have control again and then decided that once you did what they asked that they wouldn't leave you alone, do they deserve to be punished? Should you want to kill them because that's the only way that maybe they'll finally leave you alone? They're not a good person, not in the slightest, I think. And they're on the ship, which, I know all of you are going to say go to security, they'll handle this but this is— beyond their area of jurisdiction because they haven't attacked you on the ship, and they've left you alone because you asked them to, but I don't know if they'll go back on their word or attack me again. If I do something wrong, they would, and—

I've had to do things for them on the ship because they wanted something and I could make it so they could get it because people trust me, and I've been doing it and I think they almost have it.

Do any of you know what it's like to be stuck between two options where one ends in someone hurting you in so many ways because they know every weakness you have and knows how to exploit them and the other has you betraying people and manipulating them in ways that you find yourself feeling guilty about? I just keep lying and hoping no one finds out and it's different than just acting like nothing's wrong because that's at least denial this is just being backed into a corner where I feel like I'm as bad as the person I'm helping. To where I think maybe I'm as evil as they are, because I'm using all these people too and if they deserve to die or be punished in ways that are deemed torture, I do too don't I?

Because I'm no better than them. Everything they've done to me, I've done my version of it to other people and I hate just want to make it all go away. I know how to kill them now, but I can't do it, can I? I don't deserve to get away from this, not after what I've done. Even if I want to. Even if I could.

[ ooc | cut texted purely because of the sensitive subject matter that has to do with what is basically abuse, general assault of a minor and sexual themes. if any of these are triggers, pass on by, or if you choose to read tread very carefully. ]

Comments

voice; locked 60%

[faderbroderson]

Self-blame is natural, but it is nothing more than a lie that paralyzes you. A lie planted by the one who abused you. This is not a matter of your own rights and wrongs, but theirs.

This person deserves death, and should be killed for both your sake and for the sake of those they seek to manipulate and use through you. If you choose to kill them yourself, know that it will empower you and feel gratifying, but it will not heal you. There is no shame in asking for help from those you trust.

anon text; locked 100%

[mathematically]

[ There's a bit of time where Lydia actually just replays this message. Not once, not twice, but three times like that will make it seem any less weird. It will not heal you, he says but Lydia knows herself ( or what she's supposed to be ) and what made her tick before Peter Hale was ever even a thought in her mind. She could talk about everything until she's blue in the face, but he'd still be there, the monster under her bed, the part of her mind that isn't hers and maybe— ]

You know.

[ You've done this before is what she really means but that doesn't make sense for her to type, she thinks. ]

anon voice; locked 100%

[faderbroderson]

Yes.

[Oh, yes. And he would do it again, however much it didn't heal him. And he would do it for Lydia, without knowing a thing about her, had done so for others more than once in his very long life. There are some things Godric does not tolerate, some crimes that deserve a swifter and more primal justice than any law provides.]

perma anon text; locked 100%; SUBJECT LINES ARE OUR ENEMIES THE END

[mathematically]

[ Lydia knows of Godric, technically, bits and pieces and one conversation where she remembers asking about him drinking blood because what he and Eric wanted felt like using people as blood bags who gave permission, but what human says no to something that can kill them without a second thought.

Dimly, like a light at the end of a very long tunnel, there's a thought of knowing that if even he has dealt with this, then, maybe she isn't nearly as weak as Peter makes her feel. ]

Did you kill them?

what you said, only voice

[faderbroderson]

Yes. He was stronger than me, but eventually he became complacent. I never did.

[And it had been deeply satisfying. Not the threat of the Authority nor his persistant, simmering anger made it any less so. Healing had taken time, and outrunning the Authority's limitations had taken almost as long, but he would always remember the cool rush of vampire blood over his skin as his maker came apart violently at the seams.]

[mathematically]

Mine knows better than to be complacent. Knows how badly that ends when they are.

[ How she wishes Peter was complacent, but when you kill someone once, they tend to realize that complacency is the way that leads straight back to the grave. There's a moment where Lydia debates tacking this on before she decides that it wouldn't hurt to. ]

How?

[faderbroderson]

Everyone can be caught off their guard somehow. Everyone has weaknesses.

I stabbed him in the back. Quite literally.

[With a stake, of course.]

[mathematically]

It's just a matter of finding those weaknesses. And exploiting them.

...Backstabbing, not bad.

[ That sounds strangely like a compliment, oops. ]

If I ask you not to tell anyone who I am and showed you who I am would you agree to not telling anyone?

kahdfkdh just found this tag ;;

[faderbroderson]

[He'll take that compliment.]

I would.