007 [AUDIO]

[testgasm]

[Hey sup Tranquility IT'S WHEATLEY TIME. And if you don't know what that entails, YOU ARE ABOUT TO FIND OUT. Spoiler alert: it's a lot of petulant British whining.]

Yes, right, hello, sort of been a while, hasn't it? Two things. Well, three, I suppose, if you want to get technical.

One. I am...okay, I'll be honest, I'm in the market for a weapon. And a haircut. Either/or, really. I suppose the weapon is--is the more pressing issue, because, well, obviously we've got a monster problem on board. I saw the science department; you can't convince me there aren't other...abominations of that nature hiding away on this ship, and I'd rather not experience another situation where it's me, and no weapon, versus a bunch of vicious animals out for my blood. Sure, it's all well and good if the powers that be dump an entire arsenal in your locker, but some of us didn't have arsenals back home. Some of us had flashlights, which, for the record, I was not allowed to keep.

The haircut is...slightly less pressing, but I do think I need to look into it. I was under the impression that it would quit growing eventually, you know, reach a maximum length and then stop, but we're going on…what? Eight months? And that does--that does not seem to be the case. If it hurts, someone might want to let me know, and we'll just forget it, but honestly, I will never understand how any of you deal with all these pointless functions. Ridiculous.

I don't exactly have a lot to offer but I would...very much like to work something out, if possible. We can--we can negotiate.

Have I mentioned how hard it is to participate in our little established barter system when you don't have possessions? It's difficult, in case you were wondering, especially when you need weapons, or haircuts, or maybe clothing that isn't covered in buttons and zippers and laces. I mean, for god's sake, I'm starting to pawn of my furniture to get what I need around here.

Third. Mostly unrelated to points one and two, but still important. Cave Johnson, founder and CEO of Aperture Science, seems to have mysteriously vanished, as people tend to do around here. Seeing as I was his appointed personal assistant, I'll be assuming leadership of the company from here on out. All inquiries regarding Aperture activity can be directed to me. [hay GLaDOS haaaaay]

Oh, and--four things. I lied, I had four things. Ward or Resnik, when either of you have a moment--I'm sure your moments are few and far between but in the event you do feel like giving me the time of day, I've just got a question. Quick one. Won't take any time at all.

Comments

[theyalldieforme]

A haircut might be easier to get a hold of.

[perma-voice]

[testgasm]

Well, yes, I did--I do know that...it is the slightly more reasonable request, of the two. Figure it can't hurt to ask, though, considering the kinds of things people find in their lockers every month.

[perma-voice]

[theyalldieforme]

I don't think anyone with a weapon is going to give it up easily.

[andblockbuster]

[…Yeah. Sounds legit.]

Hey, Fearless Leader. You think you could honor me with your presence in the lab. I got a little something to show you.

[testgasm]

[fearless leader

fearless leader

yes perfect]

Oh, uh. Right. On my way. Walking and talking, that's--that's a thing I am capable of. Is it a good something or an unfortunate something?

[is it another sweatervest I hope it's another sweatervest]

[andblockbuster]

It's good news and better news.

[And some unfortunate questions.

And also cupcakes.]

So Cave vanished... I guess that explains why he hasn't thrown a fit about me ripping apart his tech.

permavid

[bigdealright]

[ Oh, hey, short freckled guy who seems to know a lot about stuff.

Carver -- and it's damn hard to tell how serious he is right now -- has the edge of his blade held in front of him, tapping a finger on it with a serious expression on his face. ]

If you're looking for a hair-cut, I've managed decent ones with less on hand than what I have here.

[ Yes.

Yes he means with that sword.

Or does he?! ]

[perma-voice]

[testgasm]

[What is that

is that a blade

it's huge]

With that? Is that--is that safe?

[bigdealright]

[ He'd use a smaller knife, serrah, but he won't bother pointing that out. ]

In capable hands, it's safer than scissors in incompetent ones.

text as always yeah yeah bite him;

[insufferableprick]

psst
better jump on the first haircut offer you get
i saw your hair man
shit is serious long
you have no idea

[perma-voice]

[testgasm]

I am aware of that, thanks. Said it in my post, even. I haven't...this body's hair hasn't been cut since I got shoved in it. And that's been--that's been almost eight months, now.

[insufferableprick]

[ He makes a note of the wording but won't pursue. He's too busy being an idiot. ]

you dont actually know how serious this is
why we go through "pointless" functions
oh there are points
very pressing points
hair is one thing even i dont fuck around with
eight months is way too long why hasnt anyone warned you before??

video

[amethysts]

...haircuts don't hurt, buddy.

[This is her 'are you an idiot' face.]

[perma-voice]

[testgasm]

I have gathered as much, thanks. Just trying to cover all my bases before I go ahead and do it, that's all.

[perma-voice]

[amethysts]

You're wicked moody. Settle the fuck down.

Does Aperature do robots? I'm too lazy to check.

voice.

[shoyu]

May I ask what sorts of weapons you're looking for? I imagine if a simple blunt instrument will suffice, a stand-in shouldn't be too difficult to find.

[perma-voice]

[testgasm]

I was thinking of something with ammunition, or maybe something with a little stabbing power, you know, but I can't exactly afford to be picky. Not with the way this ship works.

video;

[entrapments]

Gonna get your inner Rambo on?

[audio]

[testgasm]

[yes]

I...can't say I've ever heard that expression.

[consulting]

I'm utterly disappointed that no one has
taken the time to point out that arming you with a weapon sounds like an utterly
disastrous idea.

SH

[perma-voice]

[testgasm]

Congratulations, you'd be the first. What, you want a medal or something?

/jack

[handelaar]

Waste of time. Someone will anyway.

Threadjacking HOPE THIS IS OKAY

[still_alive]

Entrusting this moron with anything is a disaster waiting to happen.

[still_alive]

[NO]

Look. I know you are a moron of cosmic proportions, and that's being pretty generous, but there is. No. Possible. Way. That Mr. Johnson would allow the Intelligence Dampening Sphere to to run his company.

[After all. Mr. Johnson wasn't an idiot.]

After all, you couldn't even run my facility for more than one day before generating a neuclear core meltdown and nearly destroying it.

You are not in control of Aperture.

I am.

[testgasm]

[HEH HEH HEH]

Oh, but see? That's where you're wrong! One, about my designation, obviously, can we--can we just stop it with the Intelligence Dampening business, we're not going to agree. Anyway, beside the point. And two--

[You can practically hear the shit-eating grin in his voice.]

Would love to hand the company over [No he wouldn't], by my hands are tied. Wouldn't want to deny our founder his dying wish, right?