007 [AUDIO]

[testgasm]

[Hey sup Tranquility IT'S WHEATLEY TIME. And if you don't know what that entails, YOU ARE ABOUT TO FIND OUT. Spoiler alert: it's a lot of petulant British whining.]

Yes, right, hello, sort of been a while, hasn't it? Two things. Well, three, I suppose, if you want to get technical.

One. I am...okay, I'll be honest, I'm in the market for a weapon. And a haircut. Either/or, really. I suppose the weapon is--is the more pressing issue, because, well, obviously we've got a monster problem on board. I saw the science department; you can't convince me there aren't other...abominations of that nature hiding away on this ship, and I'd rather not experience another situation where it's me, and no weapon, versus a bunch of vicious animals out for my blood. Sure, it's all well and good if the powers that be dump an entire arsenal in your locker, but some of us didn't have arsenals back home. Some of us had flashlights, which, for the record, I was not allowed to keep.

The haircut is...slightly less pressing, but I do think I need to look into it. I was under the impression that it would quit growing eventually, you know, reach a maximum length and then stop, but we're going on…what? Eight months? And that does--that does not seem to be the case. If it hurts, someone might want to let me know, and we'll just forget it, but honestly, I will never understand how any of you deal with all these pointless functions. Ridiculous.

I don't exactly have a lot to offer but I would...very much like to work something out, if possible. We can--we can negotiate.

Have I mentioned how hard it is to participate in our little established barter system when you don't have possessions? It's difficult, in case you were wondering, especially when you need weapons, or haircuts, or maybe clothing that isn't covered in buttons and zippers and laces. I mean, for god's sake, I'm starting to pawn of my furniture to get what I need around here.

Third. Mostly unrelated to points one and two, but still important. Cave Johnson, founder and CEO of Aperture Science, seems to have mysteriously vanished, as people tend to do around here. Seeing as I was his appointed personal assistant, I'll be assuming leadership of the company from here on out. All inquiries regarding Aperture activity can be directed to me. [hay GLaDOS haaaaay]

Oh, and--four things. I lied, I had four things. Ward or Resnik, when either of you have a moment--I'm sure your moments are few and far between but in the event you do feel like giving me the time of day, I've just got a question. Quick one. Won't take any time at all.

Comments

[theyalldieforme]

Not a likely one.

[testgasm]

Okay, fine, noted, not going to ask you for one. Taking you off the list, Mister...whoever you are.

[theyalldieforme]

John.

And you?

[testgasm]

It's Wheatley. Nice to ah, meet you.

[theyalldieforme]

Anyone offer you help with the haircut yet?

[testgasm]

I have, yes, but I'll be honest, he's waving this blade about and it seems to be. Somewhat unsuited for the task at hand. In that it's exceedingly large.

[theyalldieforme]

That's headcut.

[testgasm]

That is--I've expressed that concern, but he seems fairly confident.

[theyalldieforme]

You're not stupid, are you?

[testgasm]

[yes]

Of course not, don't be ridiculous.

[theyalldieforme]

Then I'm going to assume you're not letting him.

[testgasm]

[RIGHT NO OF COURSE NOT]

I'm thinking...last resort. Possibly. At this stage in the game.

[theyalldieforme]

What does your hair look like right now?

[testgasm]

It looks like eight months worth of no haircuts, is what it looks like.

[theyalldieforme]

Is it long enough to pull back into a ponytail?

Threadjacking HOPE YOU DON'T MIND?

[still_alive]

Yes.

He is.

HI HI HI

[theyalldieforme]

And you are?

Why hello there! <3

[still_alive]

GLaDOS. The Genetic Lifeform and Disk Operating System.

[theyalldieforme]

Another AI?

[still_alive]

If you wish to word it like that, then yes.

[theyalldieforme]

How would you word it?

/slams into

[testgasm]

Okay, look, do you have anything better to do than sit around and harass people on my network posts?

There are--there are plenty of things to do on this ship, go find something else to do. Honestly.

I TOLD YOU I WOULD THREADJACK I'M NOT EVEN SORRY

[still_alive]

I'm not harassing, moron.

[Well, maybe aside from you.]

I'm supplying him with the truth since you refuse to do so.

I'M NOT SORRY EITHER

[testgasm]

It's harassing. You...harasser. Nobody asked for your opinion. Nobody wants it. Sod off.

OKAY GOOD BECAUSE THIS IS GOOD STUFF

[still_alive]

[Guess who's not sodding off? Her.]

Perhaps if you informed people of your stupidity before hand, I wouldn't have to do it for you.