007 [AUDIO]

[testgasm]

[Hey sup Tranquility IT'S WHEATLEY TIME. And if you don't know what that entails, YOU ARE ABOUT TO FIND OUT. Spoiler alert: it's a lot of petulant British whining.]

Yes, right, hello, sort of been a while, hasn't it? Two things. Well, three, I suppose, if you want to get technical.

One. I am...okay, I'll be honest, I'm in the market for a weapon. And a haircut. Either/or, really. I suppose the weapon is--is the more pressing issue, because, well, obviously we've got a monster problem on board. I saw the science department; you can't convince me there aren't other...abominations of that nature hiding away on this ship, and I'd rather not experience another situation where it's me, and no weapon, versus a bunch of vicious animals out for my blood. Sure, it's all well and good if the powers that be dump an entire arsenal in your locker, but some of us didn't have arsenals back home. Some of us had flashlights, which, for the record, I was not allowed to keep.

The haircut is...slightly less pressing, but I do think I need to look into it. I was under the impression that it would quit growing eventually, you know, reach a maximum length and then stop, but we're going on…what? Eight months? And that does--that does not seem to be the case. If it hurts, someone might want to let me know, and we'll just forget it, but honestly, I will never understand how any of you deal with all these pointless functions. Ridiculous.

I don't exactly have a lot to offer but I would...very much like to work something out, if possible. We can--we can negotiate.

Have I mentioned how hard it is to participate in our little established barter system when you don't have possessions? It's difficult, in case you were wondering, especially when you need weapons, or haircuts, or maybe clothing that isn't covered in buttons and zippers and laces. I mean, for god's sake, I'm starting to pawn of my furniture to get what I need around here.

Third. Mostly unrelated to points one and two, but still important. Cave Johnson, founder and CEO of Aperture Science, seems to have mysteriously vanished, as people tend to do around here. Seeing as I was his appointed personal assistant, I'll be assuming leadership of the company from here on out. All inquiries regarding Aperture activity can be directed to me. [hay GLaDOS haaaaay]

Oh, and--four things. I lied, I had four things. Ward or Resnik, when either of you have a moment--I'm sure your moments are few and far between but in the event you do feel like giving me the time of day, I've just got a question. Quick one. Won't take any time at all.

Comments

[still_alive]

[Seething in rage.]

No. We can not. It is not my fault you refuse to see truth. You were made to make me stupid and you failed.

That's where you're wrong, metal ball. Mr. Johnson did not die on this ship. He was returned to Aperture.

[Returned to Aperture to die, but that's beside the point. Mr. Johnson's death gives her emotions so she tends to not think about that.]

And Mr. Johnson's dying wish, as you so eloquently put it, was not for you take over Aperture. It was for Caroline to take it over.

[AND OH HEY, GUESS WHO THAT WOULD BE.]

[testgasm]

[WHO IS CAROLINE

DON'T KNOW ANY CAROLINES

DON'T CARE]

How do you know? How do you know people just go home when they vanish? Maybe they don't. You can't be sure.

Anyway, he was dying, he told me himself, because I'm his personal assistant, now assuming leadership of the company because he asked me to. [OR DID HE]

No Carolines here, sorry to say.

[still_alive]

[GOD, why didn't he just die in space? That would have solved everything.]

I don't. But that is the general assumption. Perhaps we can throw you off the ship and find out.

Oh? Is that so? What was he dying of, then?

Mr. Johnson would never ask someone as stupid as you to be in control of his company. That's why he put Caroline in charge, his real personal assistant.

[testgasm]

Moon rock poisoning, is what he said.

[Whatever that means.]

You don't know that, because you weren't here. If he had a personal assistant, he wouldn't have hired me for the job. Caroline will just have to accept the fact that she's been replaced.

[NO SERIOUSLY

WHO IS CAROLINE]

[still_alive]

[Okay, fine, maybe he does have the right answer. But that doesn't prove that Mr. Johnson hired him to be his personal assistant. All it proves is that he had a maximum of one conversation with him.]

The only reason he might have hired you...

[Because she still doubts that is a thing that happened.]

...is because Caroline wasn't here. And Caroline will not accept being replaced!

[Which, okay, might be sort of a lie. Because Caroline never wanted to be in control of Aperture in the first place. And if someone had showed up to take her place before they forced her consciousness into the chassis, she would have gladly accepted being replaced. But now?

Now Caroline was nothing but her own conscience, a voice telling her not to do things and making her feel things she does not want to feel. However, regardless of whatever Caroline may or may not think, GLaDOS will not let this moron take over Aperture. Again.

Not when she is able to stop him this time.]

[testgasm]

[Blah blah blah blah WHO IS CAROLINE WHY IS SHE SO IMPORTANT.]

Okay, and...you are speaking for this Caroline person...why? She's not even here! She's not--she's not even from our Aperture, if she was around when Mister Johnson was, so it's completely irrelevant.

He hired me. He put me in charge. You're just going to have to live with that.

[still_alive]

Caroline is not irrelevant, you moron! She is more important than you will ever be.

And I will not allow you to control Aperture when you utterly failed at doing so the first time!

[Not that she would have let him run the company if he did it coherently before. Aperture was hers to control and no one was going to stop her from it. Especially not this moron.]

[testgasm]

If Caroline's so important, how come I've never heard of her? Huh? You have an answer for that?

[still_alive]

Because you are a moron!

And I certain you hadn't heard of Mr. Johnson until you saw him on this very ship! How could you honestly expect me to believe you know what is truly important or not when you know nothing?

[testgasm]

Of course I did! He's the founder and CEO of Aperture Science, everybody knows Cave Johnson. This Caroline you keep mentioning? Not so much.

[still_alive]

[Deep breath.]

You truly are ...a stupid deaf idiot. Use your ears, moron. You're human. You have those now.

Caroline is the personal assistant of Mr. Johnson. He spoke of her quite often. If that is a fact you do not know, then you do not know Aperture and you did not know Mr. Johnson.

When Mr. Johnson died, he put Aperture in the capable hands of Caroline. Not a brainless personality core. Therefore, Aperture belongs to me.

[testgasm]

Yeah, okay, explain to me how that makes any logical sense at all. If there was a Caroline, she'd be dead with the rest of them. So, uh. She won't be running the company anytime soon. If she even existed. Which I'm honestly having a hard time believing.

I mean, you can't even keep your story straight! Does she own the facility or do you? Can't be both.

[still_alive]

You moron, I am Caroline!

1/2

[testgasm]

[testgasm]

[That is definitely the sound of coughing.]

Wh--no, that's--

[COUGH HACK SPUTTER WHAT IS EVEN]

WELL, that's convenient, isn't it. How stupid do you think I am?

Don't--don't answer that. Point is, you make up some supposed successor to Aperture that nobody's ever heard of, and then say she's you? That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard, you're not--you can't upload people into computers--

[Except you can, because the ship did it the other way around and he's spent all his time on the Tranquility trying to reverse it

and Cave built that awful machine, which almost worked

almost, because Cave was from Aperture's past, from before he and GLaDOS existed, before kind of technology would have been functional and maybe the former was just a result of the latter plus time

and maybe, with a few more years of tinkering, the thing Cave had built before vanishing from the ship would have been functional

oh

god]

That's impossible, you're-- [--the greatest supercomputer in the history of science, She can't possibly have been--

It's more of a statement than a question as the realization hits home.]

You were human.

[still_alive]

[Yep. She's just going to sit this out with a feeling of amusement, resentment and satisfaction. She says nothing as he puts his tiny little brain to use, working it as hard as possible to try and come up with a conclusion. She can practically hear him thinking over the comm. It's fascinating, how he tries so hard and so long to think and still comes up with so little in return.

When he's done, she only has this to say:]

Oh, so you can make a logical conclusion. I'm impressed. You took longer than I expected, but still. Not bad.

For a moron.

[Yeah, she's still kind of angry.]

[testgasm]

[For once, he's willing to ignore gratuitous use of the word moron, because his tiny little robot brain is working harder than it ever has in his tiny little robot life.

His first instinct, of course, is that She's inferior, She's human, and he's not--but if She started out human, what does that make him?

And it can't be a lie, because why would She ever admit to being something so beneath them?]

You have to be lying, you--honestly, if you think this is going to make me hand over the company, you've got another thing coming, lady.

[still_alive]

Why would I ever admit to such a thing in a mere attempt at claiming what is rightfully mine? I'm not the moron here.

And it's not a lie. You can ask her. She knows it's true.

[Mostly because Chell was with her when she figured it out. But well, that wasn't something that could be helped, considering she was a potato and stuck to the portal gun. ]

I am Caroline and Aperture is mine. I'm not to be blamed if you're too stupid to comprehend that.

[testgasm]

I'm comprehending! I comprehend! Doesn't change the fact that he left me in charge.

[It's one part anger and two parts panic--the implications are starting to sink in and it's just a little too much for him to accept.]

Fine! Maybe I will ask her!

[still_alive]

And I only have your word that he left you in charge? Because I hate to inform you, but words mean nothing to me.

[Good. As well they should be. Think about what she just said, Wheatley. And what exactly that mean for him?]

Is that supposed to be a threat, metal ball? Because you won't learn anything from her that I have not just told you.

If she's talking to you, that is.