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007 [AUDIO]
[Hey sup Tranquility IT'S WHEATLEY TIME. And if you don't know what that entails, YOU ARE ABOUT TO FIND OUT. Spoiler alert: it's a lot of petulant British whining.]
Yes, right, hello, sort of been a while, hasn't it? Two things. Well, three, I suppose, if you want to get technical.
One. I am...okay, I'll be honest, I'm in the market for a weapon. And a haircut. Either/or, really. I suppose the weapon is--is the more pressing issue, because, well, obviously we've got a monster problem on board. I saw the science department; you can't convince me there aren't other...abominations of that nature hiding away on this ship, and I'd rather not experience another situation where it's me, and no weapon, versus a bunch of vicious animals out for my blood. Sure, it's all well and good if the powers that be dump an entire arsenal in your locker, but some of us didn't have arsenals back home. Some of us had flashlights, which, for the record, I was not allowed to keep.
The haircut is...slightly less pressing, but I do think I need to look into it. I was under the impression that it would quit growing eventually, you know, reach a maximum length and then stop, but we're going on…what? Eight months? And that does--that does not seem to be the case. If it hurts, someone might want to let me know, and we'll just forget it, but honestly, I will never understand how any of you deal with all these pointless functions. Ridiculous.
I don't exactly have a lot to offer but I would...very much like to work something out, if possible. We can--we can negotiate.
Have I mentioned how hard it is to participate in our little established barter system when you don't have possessions? It's difficult, in case you were wondering, especially when you need weapons, or haircuts, or maybe clothing that isn't covered in buttons and zippers and laces. I mean, for god's sake, I'm starting to pawn of my furniture to get what I need around here.
Third. Mostly unrelated to points one and two, but still important. Cave Johnson, founder and CEO of Aperture Science, seems to have mysteriously vanished, as people tend to do around here. Seeing as I was his appointed personal assistant, I'll be assuming leadership of the company from here on out. All inquiries regarding Aperture activity can be directed to me. [hay GLaDOS haaaaay]
Oh, and--four things. I lied, I had four things. Ward or Resnik, when either of you have a moment--I'm sure your moments are few and far between but in the event you do feel like giving me the time of day, I've just got a question. Quick one. Won't take any time at all.
Yes, right, hello, sort of been a while, hasn't it? Two things. Well, three, I suppose, if you want to get technical.
One. I am...okay, I'll be honest, I'm in the market for a weapon. And a haircut. Either/or, really. I suppose the weapon is--is the more pressing issue, because, well, obviously we've got a monster problem on board. I saw the science department; you can't convince me there aren't other...abominations of that nature hiding away on this ship, and I'd rather not experience another situation where it's me, and no weapon, versus a bunch of vicious animals out for my blood. Sure, it's all well and good if the powers that be dump an entire arsenal in your locker, but some of us didn't have arsenals back home. Some of us had flashlights, which, for the record, I was not allowed to keep.
The haircut is...slightly less pressing, but I do think I need to look into it. I was under the impression that it would quit growing eventually, you know, reach a maximum length and then stop, but we're going on…what? Eight months? And that does--that does not seem to be the case. If it hurts, someone might want to let me know, and we'll just forget it, but honestly, I will never understand how any of you deal with all these pointless functions. Ridiculous.
I don't exactly have a lot to offer but I would...very much like to work something out, if possible. We can--we can negotiate.
Have I mentioned how hard it is to participate in our little established barter system when you don't have possessions? It's difficult, in case you were wondering, especially when you need weapons, or haircuts, or maybe clothing that isn't covered in buttons and zippers and laces. I mean, for god's sake, I'm starting to pawn of my furniture to get what I need around here.
Third. Mostly unrelated to points one and two, but still important. Cave Johnson, founder and CEO of Aperture Science, seems to have mysteriously vanished, as people tend to do around here. Seeing as I was his appointed personal assistant, I'll be assuming leadership of the company from here on out. All inquiries regarding Aperture activity can be directed to me. [hay GLaDOS haaaaay]
Oh, and--four things. I lied, I had four things. Ward or Resnik, when either of you have a moment--I'm sure your moments are few and far between but in the event you do feel like giving me the time of day, I've just got a question. Quick one. Won't take any time at all.
no subject
you dont actually know how serious this is
why we go through "pointless" functions
oh there are points
very pressing points
hair is one thing even i dont fuck around with
eight months is way too long why hasnt anyone warned you before??
no subject
Warned me about what?
no subject
when your body gets real sick
sometimes it steals nutrients from your hair and nails in the vain attempt to help you get better
helps catalyze male pattern baldness which sucks but isnt fatal
but when hair gets too long and starts pulling a rapunzel
it starts stealing nutrients from your body
you get three guesses at what that causes before i cut your hair myself bro
no subject
Look, if it's something I should know about, just tell me.
no subject
it starts sapping nutrients from your body
leads into all kinds of deficiencies
ever heard of scurvy??
and were even on a ship check that out
people who dont get regular haircuts on a ship are particularly susceptible to scurvy
no subject
Are you offering, then? Is that what this is?
no subject
if you want this to be an offer then hell fucking yes it is
this ship is dangerous enough without us losing noobs to their fucking hair
[ Why is this dude believing him. ]
no subject
no subject
but hold the phone i know someone better qualified for the job
[ So Wheatley. Dave is getting the one guy he knows who's always cut his own hair. Looking forward to having Dirk hair? ]
no subject
no subject
consider all the options
thats a good idea
but dont forget
scurvy is bearing down on you
getting its pedobear on
creeping down your back
along your spine
cradling your tiny nerd shoulders
whispering sweet nutrient deficiencies in your ears
take your time
whatever time you may have left
no subject
Yes, I get it! Thanks! Going to have this taken care of as soon as possible, there's absolutely no need to go into detail.
no subject
detail is the only way to paint a picture
why do you think bob ross made such a big deal about the happy little trees off to the side of the canvas
wait i bet you dont know any bob rosses do you
anyway scurvy aint a pretty picture
as you are soon to find out yourself
maybe you could paint me a picture then
no subject
Actually. None of this is helpful.
no subject
no subject
no subject
after you get your shag sheared
pics or it didnt happen k