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007 [AUDIO]
[Hey sup Tranquility IT'S WHEATLEY TIME. And if you don't know what that entails, YOU ARE ABOUT TO FIND OUT. Spoiler alert: it's a lot of petulant British whining.]
Yes, right, hello, sort of been a while, hasn't it? Two things. Well, three, I suppose, if you want to get technical.
One. I am...okay, I'll be honest, I'm in the market for a weapon. And a haircut. Either/or, really. I suppose the weapon is--is the more pressing issue, because, well, obviously we've got a monster problem on board. I saw the science department; you can't convince me there aren't other...abominations of that nature hiding away on this ship, and I'd rather not experience another situation where it's me, and no weapon, versus a bunch of vicious animals out for my blood. Sure, it's all well and good if the powers that be dump an entire arsenal in your locker, but some of us didn't have arsenals back home. Some of us had flashlights, which, for the record, I was not allowed to keep.
The haircut is...slightly less pressing, but I do think I need to look into it. I was under the impression that it would quit growing eventually, you know, reach a maximum length and then stop, but we're going on…what? Eight months? And that does--that does not seem to be the case. If it hurts, someone might want to let me know, and we'll just forget it, but honestly, I will never understand how any of you deal with all these pointless functions. Ridiculous.
I don't exactly have a lot to offer but I would...very much like to work something out, if possible. We can--we can negotiate.
Have I mentioned how hard it is to participate in our little established barter system when you don't have possessions? It's difficult, in case you were wondering, especially when you need weapons, or haircuts, or maybe clothing that isn't covered in buttons and zippers and laces. I mean, for god's sake, I'm starting to pawn of my furniture to get what I need around here.
Third. Mostly unrelated to points one and two, but still important. Cave Johnson, founder and CEO of Aperture Science, seems to have mysteriously vanished, as people tend to do around here. Seeing as I was his appointed personal assistant, I'll be assuming leadership of the company from here on out. All inquiries regarding Aperture activity can be directed to me. [hay GLaDOS haaaaay]
Oh, and--four things. I lied, I had four things. Ward or Resnik, when either of you have a moment--I'm sure your moments are few and far between but in the event you do feel like giving me the time of day, I've just got a question. Quick one. Won't take any time at all.
Yes, right, hello, sort of been a while, hasn't it? Two things. Well, three, I suppose, if you want to get technical.
One. I am...okay, I'll be honest, I'm in the market for a weapon. And a haircut. Either/or, really. I suppose the weapon is--is the more pressing issue, because, well, obviously we've got a monster problem on board. I saw the science department; you can't convince me there aren't other...abominations of that nature hiding away on this ship, and I'd rather not experience another situation where it's me, and no weapon, versus a bunch of vicious animals out for my blood. Sure, it's all well and good if the powers that be dump an entire arsenal in your locker, but some of us didn't have arsenals back home. Some of us had flashlights, which, for the record, I was not allowed to keep.
The haircut is...slightly less pressing, but I do think I need to look into it. I was under the impression that it would quit growing eventually, you know, reach a maximum length and then stop, but we're going on…what? Eight months? And that does--that does not seem to be the case. If it hurts, someone might want to let me know, and we'll just forget it, but honestly, I will never understand how any of you deal with all these pointless functions. Ridiculous.
I don't exactly have a lot to offer but I would...very much like to work something out, if possible. We can--we can negotiate.
Have I mentioned how hard it is to participate in our little established barter system when you don't have possessions? It's difficult, in case you were wondering, especially when you need weapons, or haircuts, or maybe clothing that isn't covered in buttons and zippers and laces. I mean, for god's sake, I'm starting to pawn of my furniture to get what I need around here.
Third. Mostly unrelated to points one and two, but still important. Cave Johnson, founder and CEO of Aperture Science, seems to have mysteriously vanished, as people tend to do around here. Seeing as I was his appointed personal assistant, I'll be assuming leadership of the company from here on out. All inquiries regarding Aperture activity can be directed to me. [hay GLaDOS haaaaay]
Oh, and--four things. I lied, I had four things. Ward or Resnik, when either of you have a moment--I'm sure your moments are few and far between but in the event you do feel like giving me the time of day, I've just got a question. Quick one. Won't take any time at all.
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He slumps against the machine, letting out a long breath.] I can repair wedges fine- having those here takes a lot of the guesswork out of this. If we get you back in your body and plug you into the ship- even if it goes wrong... We could still get something. The last guy who tried to talk to the ship ended up in medbay, though, so... the chances that it's gonna be painful are really high. But it's doable... If that's what you want.
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Someone else trying to interface with the ship is news to him--and not the good kind.]
It's different. Humans can't talk to us like other computers do. Probably--probably didn't know what he was doing.
[He scowls, considering, because he doesn't know what he's doing, either. It takes him a second to realize that he has news, too.]
I hired Netherlands to, ah. Liberate a chair.
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Topher doesn't know what he's doing, but the problem with Topher is he always thinks he does- that nothing will go wrong and everyone will be fine. And guess who is never the one who gets hurt when he's wrong? Is it him? It's him.
But he perks up at the mention of a chair and suddenly all the awkwardness of the past ten minutes vanishes and he's all bouncy and excited again.] You did? ...Oh my God, he's gonna think I'm the biggest klepto, but he's like a bear and he hasn't said anything about helping me steal that lamp, so he's perfect. [SHOULDER GRAB] You're a freakin' genius.
[Maybe not... the best choice of hyperbole in this case, but Topher can only realize one faux pas at a time, and his biggest one was.. probably touching Wheatley at this point, so he quickly LET'S THE FUCK GO BEFORE ANY FLAILING AND SCREAMING CAN HAPPEN.
Moving on...]
How... did you get him to do it? He only helped me, 'cause I was gonna help Dirk.
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But it's hard not to eat up the praise, simply because it's the only thing he knows how to do.]
I went through everyone I know and he was the only one I could think of who won't ask questions.
[He offers a shrug.]
He wanted my dresser. Don't exactly have anything to keep in there, so I gave it to him.
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Weird, but if it works. [At this point, it really is like nothing's been done to ruin this beautiful tapestry of brotherhood and science and Topher's occupied hopping around from one foot to the other in sheer delight.] And all I would need after that is to get the hardware installed. We could be operational sometime after the next jump... Which is great, 'cause I'm sure a lot of people have legitimate questions about what we're doing over here. I had to lie to Ripley the other day. That was hard for me.
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[And the thought that it could be operation after the next jump...]
Haven't had anyone ask, yet, but uh. What we're doing here is not...inconspicuous. Ripley?
[Should he be WORRIED??]
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Maybe not... completely inconspicuous, but no one asked Cave about what he was doing over here, so maybe we've just... built up a rep. [Except Cave Johnson didn't, you know, have a career of doing illicit brain science. Just illicit... Everything else.] And Ripley's only one of the most competent women on this ship- I have to bow before that woman a little bit. Between her and Kara, I feel like this boat will not sink. ...And yes, I know Kara's a robot-hating bigot, but this all goes to pot if GLaDOS breaks my neck before I'm through, and Kara's like... insurance against that. Like a bodyguard.
I mean, do you wanna fight the crazy lady off?
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Wheatley might have to get back to you on that.]
Kara? No, no way, she hates me. Please don't tell me you've told her what we're doing, she'd smash up the chair just to spite me.
[And he looks even less pleased to have GLaDOS back in the conversation. That's about when his voice takes on a darker edge.]
I may have...threatened Her. A little. You were probably--probably listening in.
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WE GOOD, BRO.]
I haven't told anyone about this. [He points at the console.] But our problems with the dragon lady are large and indomitable. Yours more than mine, but I don't of the two of us? I'm gonna go first. And the machine's locked down with my own personal mindfield, so if I die, no one can run it. I need someone keeping her from killing me. And this- [MORE HANDWAVING AROUND THE CONSOLE]- doesn't need to come into play at all. It could be Kara or it could be some guy with a trustworthy brow, who won't ask questions if I yell for back-up... Netherlands can have my dresser for that. I don't care!
[Awkward... Pausing.] Yeah, and... to be honest, it was probably one of the single-most terrifying exchanges I've ever heard. You, my robot manfriend, occasionally scare me. [A beat.] In a good way? [HEH. HEH.]
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[Subtle implication that he plans to throw down with GLaDOS? MAYBE.
He does, however, manage to look slightly perplexed at the notion that he's scary, because he's legitimately surprised to hear it.]
I, um. Sorry. I didn't exactly mean to--sometimes I just get...angry.
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Watch that implication go WHOOSH over Topher's head. There it goes.]
Not a big deal. It wasn't directed at me. [Please God don't ever let it be directed at me.] It's just... A little surprising. For a minute there, I thought you were gonna- [Hulk... out...] ... jump through the screen and rip her apart or something.
[HE DID NOT MAKE A POP CULTURE REFERENCE. IT'S POSSIBLE.]
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Not well, if I'm honest. But that's all right, I'm sure there's something large and blunt around here we could use if--if the need arose. And you still have the tranquilizers from the science department, right? She is completely organic, right now, as far as I know.
[From the look on his face, it's clear Wheatley doesn't realize how terrifying all his yelling and carrying on actually is.]
You--you heard the things She was saying, it's--
She's horrible.
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[Yep. Total badasses.]
Yeah, I kinda got that when she said she'd crush my windpipe. When every other word out of someone's mouth has something to do with murder, I stop wondering if deep down they're a nice, cuddly person underneath.
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You weren't the one plugged into Her, mate.
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[Yes, it's so easy to mock her now that she's... elsewhere.]
I might not get the scope of her... Essential her-ness, but... [Shrug]
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I ran into Doctor Saunders.
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...And you... didn't turn into stone. She has mellowed.
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She didn't tell me anything I didn't already know, which is good news for you, I suppose.
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[And now it's Topher's turn to be surprised.]
There wasn't much else she could've told. [Oh, so that's what it's like to be completely honest and have your stories add up.] Unless she started making stuff up or threw in that time she snuck into my room and tried to-
[...And that is the point where Topher shudders, makes like Goyte, and cuts himself off.] And that's not something you wanna hear about- anyway.
[COUGH] If I could take responsibility for her being terrifying, I'd... apologize for it. She's actually really good with people... Just not... every kind of person. [She's good with... actives. Basically.]
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I mean, she was sort of vindictive about it, but I didn't get the impression she was going to kill you. Or me, for knowing about it. So that's...good.
[TOPHER telling Wheatley that doesn't want to hear about something means he definitely wants to hear about it.]
She snuck into your room and what?
[STORYTIME STORYTIME]
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[LOOK AT HOW MANY SHADES OF RED TOPHER'S TURNING NOW.] I, uh... Iii... [You're gonna regret this, Wheatley.] She may have snuck into my room while I was sleeping and completely vulnerable and not in the least bit prepared- if I had wanted to, which I didn't- with the intent to, uh- that is... The act of a, uh- intimate nature.
[Because just saying SHE TRIED TO HAVE SEX WITH ME was way too hard.]
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What, like--
[Hang on, processing. Maybe he gets it? No, he doesn't get it.]
Sorry, I don't--she what?
[SPELL IT OUT FOR ME, BRO.]
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So he just turns... more red.]
You know when a man-person and a woman-person really like each other or, in some cases, when a woman-person is a lunatic with misplaced ideas about what her programming's supposed to entail and the man-person is her unsuspecting programmer... They... [And he sort of entwines his fingers, like THAT is going to make it easier to understand.] Not that... any of that actually happened, but...
[The. Most. Helpless. Look.]
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He sort of tilts his head JUUUUUUST a little bit, as if that's going to help him understand what happened between the two.]
I'm sorry, I don't know what this-- [and he sort of tries to mirror whatever the hell Topher is doing with his hands, to limited success] is supposed to be.
Obviously something traumatic.
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Sex! [He sort of blurts that out like it's the WORST WORD, which is pretty funny, considering this is a guy who designs imprints for ELABORATE SEX FANTASIES.] That thing... That... Yeah.
And BTW, it was a little bit traumatic. Guy's asleep and- [He makes a guuuuh noise, because GOD SAUNDERS WHY.] Not an experience I want to actually repeat any time soon.
[It's hard to tell whether he means almost-sex or getting molested by Saunders.
POSSIBLY BOTH. He made out with a girl once AND HER HEAD GOT BLOWN OUT ON HIS SHIRT. FOREVER BONER-KILLER.]
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