007 [AUDIO]

[testgasm]

[Hey sup Tranquility IT'S WHEATLEY TIME. And if you don't know what that entails, YOU ARE ABOUT TO FIND OUT. Spoiler alert: it's a lot of petulant British whining.]

Yes, right, hello, sort of been a while, hasn't it? Two things. Well, three, I suppose, if you want to get technical.

One. I am...okay, I'll be honest, I'm in the market for a weapon. And a haircut. Either/or, really. I suppose the weapon is--is the more pressing issue, because, well, obviously we've got a monster problem on board. I saw the science department; you can't convince me there aren't other...abominations of that nature hiding away on this ship, and I'd rather not experience another situation where it's me, and no weapon, versus a bunch of vicious animals out for my blood. Sure, it's all well and good if the powers that be dump an entire arsenal in your locker, but some of us didn't have arsenals back home. Some of us had flashlights, which, for the record, I was not allowed to keep.

The haircut is...slightly less pressing, but I do think I need to look into it. I was under the impression that it would quit growing eventually, you know, reach a maximum length and then stop, but we're going on…what? Eight months? And that does--that does not seem to be the case. If it hurts, someone might want to let me know, and we'll just forget it, but honestly, I will never understand how any of you deal with all these pointless functions. Ridiculous.

I don't exactly have a lot to offer but I would...very much like to work something out, if possible. We can--we can negotiate.

Have I mentioned how hard it is to participate in our little established barter system when you don't have possessions? It's difficult, in case you were wondering, especially when you need weapons, or haircuts, or maybe clothing that isn't covered in buttons and zippers and laces. I mean, for god's sake, I'm starting to pawn of my furniture to get what I need around here.

Third. Mostly unrelated to points one and two, but still important. Cave Johnson, founder and CEO of Aperture Science, seems to have mysteriously vanished, as people tend to do around here. Seeing as I was his appointed personal assistant, I'll be assuming leadership of the company from here on out. All inquiries regarding Aperture activity can be directed to me. [hay GLaDOS haaaaay]

Oh, and--four things. I lied, I had four things. Ward or Resnik, when either of you have a moment--I'm sure your moments are few and far between but in the event you do feel like giving me the time of day, I've just got a question. Quick one. Won't take any time at all.

Comments

[perma-voice]

[amethysts]

You're wicked moody. Settle the fuck down.

Does Aperature do robots? I'm too lazy to check.

[testgasm]

You're presumptuous. I'm perfectly calm.

But yes, as a matter of fact, we "do robots". Why do you ask?

[amethysts]

I'm building a better map and I'm not crawling through every fucking vent and service access. I need 'bots for that and mapping more quickly. Wanna help out?

[testgasm]

Maybe I should have been--should have been more specific. When I say we "do robots", I mean that we have "done robots" in the sense that I am a product of Aperture Laboratories "doing robots".

[amethysts]

Wait--

[Libby checks something reaaaal quick.]

Holy mother of fuck. You're Wheatley.

[She sounds impressed. Enjoy the moment.]

[testgasm]

[UHHHhHhHhHhh

Guess who does not know how to react when people say stuff like this

this guy]

Yes! Hello! My reputation precedes me, I take it.

[Wheatley that's not a good thing.]

Has someone mentioned me, or--?

[amethysts]

No--no, I studied the network. You're one of the AI.

I'm--a computer engineer, just--fuck, it must suck being in one of these shitty fucking bodies, huh? Sorry organics are so fucking inefficient.

[She swears more when she's excited. And she is very excited. Sure, he's relatively dumb, from what she's seen--but he passes the Turing effortlessly and Libby assumes making an AI stupid is more work than making it smart. His design must be inspired.]

Huge fan.

[testgasm]

I am! One of the very first to show up, in fact. Zero-zero-one and everything. I can't say it's my favorite experience, this body, but obviously I--I don't have a say in the matter.

[Which is the understatement of the century. Most of why she's interested is completely lost on him. He hears "huge fan" and that's more than enough to get his ego going.]

But an engineer, that's tremendous, always good to, ah. Meet the technologically inclined.

[amethysts]

I hate mine. It's fine, you can say it.

[She literally has her chin in her hands as she listens to him.]

I try. This ship is tripped as fuck but--I'll get it.

So. What's it like?

[testgasm]

I can't find anything to like about it, so I don't really blame you, either.

What's what like?

[amethysts]

Being a robot. Compared to this.

[testgasm]

Haha, uh, hm.

[Of course, now that he understands the question, he has to consider it for a moment, and it's hard, because when he really gets down to it, not much about his thought process has actually changed.]

Everything's slower, like this. No reference programming, can't interface, can't--used to be able to read books just by downloading them to the mainframe, obviously...not an option, here.

Honestly, I think humans are just an experiment in leaking.

[amethysts]

[Libby laughs, deeply pleased to have ber suspicions confirmed--but then she just stops. Because it hits her what that must be like.]

Fuck.

I'd go fucking out of it, buddy. Just--stabbing everyone in the face or something. That's like some kind of ninth level hell fucked up--fuck.

[Articulate.]

[testgasm]

That is...quite a colorful way of putting it.

[amethysts]

I'm sorry that happened to you.

[David, Wheatley--it's easy to express things lime that to them. Because they're machines, and she trusts machines, even if this one is trapped in this inferior shell right now.]

Is what that means.

[testgasm]

[He laughs a little, but it trails off almost as quickly as it starts.]

You don't--you don't have to apologize. It's not your fault.

Anyway, the goal is to be out of this eventually.

[amethysts]

[Libby stays quiet for a while.]

Who's working on that?

[testgasm]

[Whoops it's time for some bbbbaaaackpeadaling]

Well that's not...exactly what I said.

[amethysts]

[Libby scoffs.]

I'm aware. Unless you're planning to airlock yourself or depending on our fuckstick captain and head engineer to save us, well--I'd be working on something, if I were you.

[testgasm]

I've got it covered.

[VAGUE!!]

[amethysts]

If you ever don't, I'm 008 189. For the record.

[testgasm]

[He laughs a little at that.]

Zero-zero-one-zero-eight-nine. Is me.

[amethysts]

[Whatever it's worth, it makes her feel better.]

At least you get the number system.

[testgasm]

Why would I not, it's...the only thing that makes sense around here.

Not the...inexplicable tattoos, but the fact that they actually correspond to things like lockers and dormitories.

[amethysts]

And your comm. Which is just rad.

[If her sarcasm could only be weaponized she could blow up the ship.]