ataraxion | 005; video

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005; video

[Hello again, Tranquility. Blake's face is probably not a popular one, after his last appearance, but today he looks tired and remorseful instead of angry. So that's an improvement, right? Indeed, he wouldn't even be doing this except he knows he owes it to everyone. So he definitely looks like a man who is biting the bullet – a particularly unpleasant, embarrassing one.]

I know a lot of you were really confused and angry over my last network post. I'm sure many of you would rather not give me the time of day right now, and that's fair enough. I don't deserve much, after the things I said and did. I certainly don't deserve or expect forgiveness for them. But I owe it to everyone to apologize, so that's what I'm doing.

[Here he glances away momentarily. He hates talking about... private things, about feelings, but this is his responsibility right now.]

I wore my mask. A few times. It was a really bad call on my part, but at the time I thought that would be the best way to figure out what it did. Be the guinea pig, I guess. I didn't anticipate the consequences. Every minor annoyance became a major problem, became something that I needed to blame someone for, and my brain-to-mouth filter was completely removed.

I don't say this to excuse myself – there is no excuse for what I said, because those were still my words, or what I did, because those were always my actions. I was in control of myself, albeit in an altered state. It was still me making those choices, and they were bad ones, and I take full responsibility for them.

That said, I don't actually believe the things I said. There are always issues, problems, points of contention, in any community, but I sincerely believe that most of the people on this ship are doing their best to help everyone, to figure this out and get us home. What I said, the way I acted, I learned a long time ago that those things are not productive. It was stupid of me, and I'm sorry.

I really can't say it enough: I'm sorry.

((ooc: so Blake has been noticeably absent both on the network and on the Tranquility in general since his angry post of anger. Pretty much the only thing he's been doing are his security patrols; otherwise he's basically been in his room, brooding, not talking to anyone he normally talks to. Feel free to comment on this!))

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I need to talk to you.

Okay.

off the network. 4 floor kitchen. 10 minutes.

I'll be there.

[ Blake's apology is what he was waiting for. Sure enough, brendan's in the kitchen, jacket on, lierally watching a pot of water boil. He didn't want to say this over the networks--so he waits. And when Blake enters, he simply lifts his head in greeting. Goes back to staring at the water.

[Blake didn't really expect any of the people he directly hurt to contact him so quickly, but then again, if anyone would, it's Brendan.

And he's nothing if not willing to take responsibility for his actions, so he shows up, true to his word, exactly where and when Brendan had said to be. His hands are deep in his pockets, and he still looks a little tired, but he's obviously not as messed up as he was before the jump. Obviously under a lot better control.]

Brendan. What's up?

[ Brendan doesn't answer. Can't, really, because his mind is stuck in a certain gear he can't really get out of. It's a contemplative state, flat out zoning out.

He hadn't paid attention to the actual post--not really. Just texted once he was sure it was some form of apology.

His gaze turns back on the pot of water, though. Simmering, but not quite boiling. His hands, like Blakes', are still in his pocket. An odd parallel the both of them shared.

And, finally, after a long stretch of silence, he speaks. ]

Remember what you suggested about the holodeck?

[He's clearly preoccupied with something - maybe not even anything to do with Blake, but either way, he wants to talk, Blake will stand here patiently until he decides what to say.

He vaguely remembers a few conversations he had with Father Reilly that began with the same kind of silence. Being given the space to speak had always helped him.

When he finally does say something, it takes Blake a moment to remember what he's talking about. It was a while ago, feels like a lot longer than it probably was, to be fair. But he remembers, now - Brendan asking about something to do for a girl he liked. Wichita, probably.]

Yeah, what about it?

[ Brendan doesn't shrug his shoulders, but he does shift slightly. He's heard you, Blake.

The silence is good. It's welcoming, and surprisingly warm. He doesn't have to lead Blake on some chase. Doesn't have to choose his words carefully.

'I don't think it'll happen anymore,' he wanted to say. Or even 'Emily's here,' but he's mesmerized by the slow, small bubbles the pots' creating as it nears it's boil. ]

She's gone.

[Those words make him frown, and his first thought is - Wichita disappeared, like so many others do. He tries to think, back to the last time he spoke with her. It was before the last jump, at least, so he can't be sure.]

Vanished? [They'd seemed pretty close, after all. What little he knew of them, anyway.]

[ Brendan's angry. More than angry--he's furious. But it's not at her. It's for himself.

Emily's here and she's safe, she's alive, and Brendan's happy for that. But Wichita...

He sniffs, wondering why there's suddenly a tightness in his throat. Moves a hand up to quickly rub something underneath his eye and when he turns around his face is perfectly controlled, perfectly calm. ]

No, I can raise her. She took powder, is what I'm saying.

[His slang, as it often does, takes a moment or two for Blake to parse. He's not sure exactly what it means, except that Wichita is still here, just not speaking to Brendan for whatever reason.

Sounds familiar.]

I'm sorry. Did she... explain why?

[ Brendan's selfish, selfish selfish and he's always been. That hasn't changed with any amount of time he's been on the spaceship, either. When he wheels back around his voice is loud but his actions are meek. Defeated. ]

Does it matter?! She kicked me to the curb like yesterday's trash.

[Blake isn't particularly surprised by the reaction. He doesn't even move, really, just studies the younger man.]

If it matters to her, if you want her back, then yeah, maybe. I'm not really in a position to give advice about things like this, but listening seems like it'd be important. If she's important to you, that is.

[ Ah, teenage love. Brendan's hands are shaking and he refuses to look at Blake, refuses to move. But the words--they come tumbling out fast. Faster than he intends. If it were up to him, he wouldn't say anything at all. ]

She's the most gorgeous dame I've ever seen--and I've seen a lot of leg. But she's got more than that, she's got brains. Can kick my ass--can kick your ass, and she's tough. Dealt with a lot more than it looks like. She's a fierce gal, shows in every aspect. Even the sex. [ Brendan's in his own world now, but the water's boiled. His hands automatically grab the packet of ramen, open it. ]

I fucked up.

[Blake knows the intensity of emotions at that age. He knows there's no use explaining that things will calm down, eventually. That he's just a teenager, the odds of a teenage relationship lasting are low, that it's puppy love - any of those things might be true, but they're not what he needs to hear.

He needs someone to take him seriously, right now. So Blake will.]

Have you told her that? All of it? In those words? I think... Sometimes you think you're saying something, without actually saying it, and somehow it gets lost in translation. Words don't always mean anything, but sometimes hearing it spelled out is good.

Yeah, I did. And she said she was done. Don't-- [ Brendan bites his tongue. He can't do this, not like this. Can't lash out, can't say 'don't give advice you can't follow.' He's not an idiot. Half of that post was meant for the public, yeah, but the other half? ]

She biffed my play, I did what I could. Wasn't enough. Gotta make it enough. I don't-- [ Calm down, Brendan. Your hands are shaking. ]

I just want her back. I just want her back, Blake.

I understand. [As always when he says it, it's not a platitude. He really does get it. Still, he just waits for Brendan to finish, lets him say what he means to say, doesn't question it.]

Probably the only thing to do is give it some time. Let her cool down, take stock. You can do the same. Pushing too hard, too soon, probably won't help. [She seems about as stubborn as Ariadne, and he knows there's no point bothering with that for a while, either.]

[ He's quiet for a few moments. No he should leave it be, should let it alone like Blake is saying. But Blake's probably talking about Ariadne, not Wichita.

Then again, no girl is going to crawl back to you. He'll follow Blake's advice. For now, but-- ]

You should tell anyone you've hurt directly. Especially the dames.

Yeah. I know. [And he did, as a matter of fact. Which is when Ariadne shot him down, said she didn't want to talk. Basically told him 'good luck with your life, bye'.

Not that what he has with Ariadne was at all the same as Brendan and Wichita.]

Ariadne. [ Especially Ariadne, he means. But he's never been a fan of saying more than a few words when he's still calming down. ]

I did. Before the jump. [It comes easy, somehow, easier than with Angela. Angela means well, but she tries too hard to fix things the way she thinks they should be fixed.]

She's not interested in talking to me right now.

Yeah, no doll is when they're angry. Try doing it anyway. You'll be surprised at the results.

Maybe, after a while. [He glances down at his shoes.] I messed up, big time. It's her prerogative if she doesn't want to deal with that.

[ Brendan's watching the noodles in the pot, but when he looks over at Blake his words are blunt and completely honest. He's learned quickly that Blake can take it. ]

Gal like her's too stubborn. Break down the wall. Don't be a fucking idiot, Blake.

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