ataraxion | 005; video

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005; video

[Hello again, Tranquility. Blake's face is probably not a popular one, after his last appearance, but today he looks tired and remorseful instead of angry. So that's an improvement, right? Indeed, he wouldn't even be doing this except he knows he owes it to everyone. So he definitely looks like a man who is biting the bullet – a particularly unpleasant, embarrassing one.]

I know a lot of you were really confused and angry over my last network post. I'm sure many of you would rather not give me the time of day right now, and that's fair enough. I don't deserve much, after the things I said and did. I certainly don't deserve or expect forgiveness for them. But I owe it to everyone to apologize, so that's what I'm doing.

[Here he glances away momentarily. He hates talking about... private things, about feelings, but this is his responsibility right now.]

I wore my mask. A few times. It was a really bad call on my part, but at the time I thought that would be the best way to figure out what it did. Be the guinea pig, I guess. I didn't anticipate the consequences. Every minor annoyance became a major problem, became something that I needed to blame someone for, and my brain-to-mouth filter was completely removed.

I don't say this to excuse myself – there is no excuse for what I said, because those were still my words, or what I did, because those were always my actions. I was in control of myself, albeit in an altered state. It was still me making those choices, and they were bad ones, and I take full responsibility for them.

That said, I don't actually believe the things I said. There are always issues, problems, points of contention, in any community, but I sincerely believe that most of the people on this ship are doing their best to help everyone, to figure this out and get us home. What I said, the way I acted, I learned a long time ago that those things are not productive. It was stupid of me, and I'm sorry.

I really can't say it enough: I'm sorry.

((ooc: so Blake has been noticeably absent both on the network and on the Tranquility in general since his angry post of anger. Pretty much the only thing he's been doing are his security patrols; otherwise he's basically been in his room, brooding, not talking to anyone he normally talks to. Feel free to comment on this!))

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[Those words make him frown, and his first thought is - Wichita disappeared, like so many others do. He tries to think, back to the last time he spoke with her. It was before the last jump, at least, so he can't be sure.]

Vanished? [They'd seemed pretty close, after all. What little he knew of them, anyway.]

[ Brendan's angry. More than angry--he's furious. But it's not at her. It's for himself.

Emily's here and she's safe, she's alive, and Brendan's happy for that. But Wichita...

He sniffs, wondering why there's suddenly a tightness in his throat. Moves a hand up to quickly rub something underneath his eye and when he turns around his face is perfectly controlled, perfectly calm. ]

No, I can raise her. She took powder, is what I'm saying.

[His slang, as it often does, takes a moment or two for Blake to parse. He's not sure exactly what it means, except that Wichita is still here, just not speaking to Brendan for whatever reason.

Sounds familiar.]

I'm sorry. Did she... explain why?

[ Brendan's selfish, selfish selfish and he's always been. That hasn't changed with any amount of time he's been on the spaceship, either. When he wheels back around his voice is loud but his actions are meek. Defeated. ]

Does it matter?! She kicked me to the curb like yesterday's trash.

[Blake isn't particularly surprised by the reaction. He doesn't even move, really, just studies the younger man.]

If it matters to her, if you want her back, then yeah, maybe. I'm not really in a position to give advice about things like this, but listening seems like it'd be important. If she's important to you, that is.

[ Ah, teenage love. Brendan's hands are shaking and he refuses to look at Blake, refuses to move. But the words--they come tumbling out fast. Faster than he intends. If it were up to him, he wouldn't say anything at all. ]

She's the most gorgeous dame I've ever seen--and I've seen a lot of leg. But she's got more than that, she's got brains. Can kick my ass--can kick your ass, and she's tough. Dealt with a lot more than it looks like. She's a fierce gal, shows in every aspect. Even the sex. [ Brendan's in his own world now, but the water's boiled. His hands automatically grab the packet of ramen, open it. ]

I fucked up.

[Blake knows the intensity of emotions at that age. He knows there's no use explaining that things will calm down, eventually. That he's just a teenager, the odds of a teenage relationship lasting are low, that it's puppy love - any of those things might be true, but they're not what he needs to hear.

He needs someone to take him seriously, right now. So Blake will.]

Have you told her that? All of it? In those words? I think... Sometimes you think you're saying something, without actually saying it, and somehow it gets lost in translation. Words don't always mean anything, but sometimes hearing it spelled out is good.

Yeah, I did. And she said she was done. Don't-- [ Brendan bites his tongue. He can't do this, not like this. Can't lash out, can't say 'don't give advice you can't follow.' He's not an idiot. Half of that post was meant for the public, yeah, but the other half? ]

She biffed my play, I did what I could. Wasn't enough. Gotta make it enough. I don't-- [ Calm down, Brendan. Your hands are shaking. ]

I just want her back. I just want her back, Blake.

I understand. [As always when he says it, it's not a platitude. He really does get it. Still, he just waits for Brendan to finish, lets him say what he means to say, doesn't question it.]

Probably the only thing to do is give it some time. Let her cool down, take stock. You can do the same. Pushing too hard, too soon, probably won't help. [She seems about as stubborn as Ariadne, and he knows there's no point bothering with that for a while, either.]

[ He's quiet for a few moments. No he should leave it be, should let it alone like Blake is saying. But Blake's probably talking about Ariadne, not Wichita.

Then again, no girl is going to crawl back to you. He'll follow Blake's advice. For now, but-- ]

You should tell anyone you've hurt directly. Especially the dames.

Yeah. I know. [And he did, as a matter of fact. Which is when Ariadne shot him down, said she didn't want to talk. Basically told him 'good luck with your life, bye'.

Not that what he has with Ariadne was at all the same as Brendan and Wichita.]

Ariadne. [ Especially Ariadne, he means. But he's never been a fan of saying more than a few words when he's still calming down. ]

I did. Before the jump. [It comes easy, somehow, easier than with Angela. Angela means well, but she tries too hard to fix things the way she thinks they should be fixed.]

She's not interested in talking to me right now.

Yeah, no doll is when they're angry. Try doing it anyway. You'll be surprised at the results.

Maybe, after a while. [He glances down at his shoes.] I messed up, big time. It's her prerogative if she doesn't want to deal with that.

[ Brendan's watching the noodles in the pot, but when he looks over at Blake his words are blunt and completely honest. He's learned quickly that Blake can take it. ]

Gal like her's too stubborn. Break down the wall. Don't be a fucking idiot, Blake.

[Blake sighs, shakes his head a little. She is stubborn, but he also doesn't want to make things worse.]

I'm not planning to let our friendship just end like that, not without trying to repair it. But it's not the same as you and Wichita, either.

Now you are being thick. [ Flat-out stubborn and to the point. Let it never be said that Brendan dances around subjects when he knows you. ] Thick as what-all, Blake. I'm not saying you and the architect are gunnin' for each other [ though you are, let's be honest ] I'm saying you two drink from the same bottle.

And I'm saying don't just let it go.

I'm not - [He's not... sure what that means, exactly, as per usual, but he's not going to stand around like a doofus insisting she's just a friend to some teenaged kid. It doesn't matter, either way.]

I'm not going to just let it go. I'm going to try to talk to her about it, but there comes a point where sometimes you do need to just take a step back. If she's not going to talk to me, she's not going to talk to me.

And your head is so far removed from what's really important. [ As usual, have some point-blank, no holds barred opinions from your not-really-bro. ]

She's not Wichita, Ariadne's a different type of gal. One I've dealt with before. Gotta be tenacious.

[He ducks his head. He knows - he knows her, knows he needs to match her stubbornness. But -]

I'm not exactly good friend material, anyway.

[ Brendan has two options to get what he wants. He could go in a circle, repeating the same thing again and again and again or he could get results. And right now? Results sound like a good plan. As good as monotonous run-arounds are, Brendan's sick and tired and in a way this makes him feel like he's back to normal. Time to put on a show. ]

Blake.

[ He doesn't wait until Blake's fully turned around--because he knows if he gives Blake the time to realize what's happening he's going to be shrugged off like a leaf. So he pulls the other by the collar and slams him against the kitchen stove, narrowly missing the boiling ramen he'd forgotten about. He's up close--personal and close--and his glare is hard and pointed, knuckles white until he brings a fist up, as if going to punch him.

He stops, though. Forcefully unfurls his hand and shakes his head, as if thinking the whole thing wasn't working. ]

You. Are. thick. You have two choices, and one of them is wallowing in your self-pity and the other is talking to Ariadne or getting out there and finding a dame to curl up with at the end of the day because you. Need. Something like that and you don't see how stupid you are for quietly moping around waiting for her.

It's not an act of tragic heroism. It's pathetic.

You want to be the change like how you talk about in your police force? Start with an attitude adjustment.

Edited 2012-11-25 04:34 (UTC)

[It probably shouldn't take him by surprise at this point, but yeah, it does a little bit, and it knocks the wind out of him.

But Bruce's lessons are starting to have an effect, and he leverages his weight back against Brendan to push him off almost without a second thought. Not doing any damage, just pushing him away.]

I'm trying to do the right thing. [He says it with quiet emphasis.] Not just what I want, but what's right. What'll keep her safe, and you, and everyone else on this ship. That's my attitude.

I care about Ariadne, she's my friend and that won't change.

[ it's over the top and a little ridiculous, yes. Brendan's aware of this only as Blake handles his outburst with a cool, calm demeanor.

He really has to learn to dial it down--because it's not how everyone works, not in this universe. In his world, yeah, but not on the Tranquility. so Blake responds and Brendan shrugs everything out, almost like a drama room exercise. ]

So not sleeping with Ariadne or trying to make amends with her will endanger the entire ship?

[Blake rolls his eyes.] I will try to make amends with her. But sleeping with her wouldn't be a good idea. Assuming she even wants to.

005; video

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