ataraxion | 001 [VIDEO]

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001 [VIDEO]

[GREETINGS, NETWORK. Some loser's got his coke-bottle lenses way too close to the camera. Back up, bro, you're fogging the screen, and that is gross.

Turns out he's just trying to make the device stay upright. After a few moments, success! Wheatley (who looks extremely nervous) takes a step away, hovering over the communicator as if he expects it to fall, like it did the past seventeen times.

He is not wearing any clothes.]

Hello! If anyone is there and I'm not just--not just talking to this little black box, which, by the way, could stand to be a little clearer in the "what does this button do" department...

Not that I had any trouble figuring it out. Fiddled around for a bit, and boom, there we go, video feed on. Not a problem. But, you know. Instructions. Just in case anyone's a little...technologically impaired. Couldn't hurt.

[Wait. Where was he?]

Right! Uh…show of hands, if you would, seeing as we've all got hands now. Who's an AI? That's Artificial Intelligence for the aforementioned technologically impaired. Robots count too, I am also a robot.

And--and I know what you humans are thinking; Wheatley, you're not a robot, you're squishy and inefficient just like the rest of us but that, humans, is where you're wrong. One hundred percent robot, right here, just as soon as I get my body back.

Point is, if you see someone in an orange jumpsuit or...or a lab coat, maybe hear them talking about Science or Apertures, or some combination of the two…go ahead and let them know that Wheatley's looking for them and also that...it is important.

[A small pause as he fidgets, suddenly looking that much more uncomfortable.]

Actually. Don't tell them that. Tell me, instead! If--if you meet anyone with that description and. I will go. Find them.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I tend to keep them trained on my counterparts. Stop flailing...

[That's right. She's actually amused. Good job.]

I'm not flailing. Honestly, what do you expect me to do when someone starts going on about knives?

[siiiiiigh]
My stay here, unwanted or not, would be very short if I legitimately turned my blade on an innocent enough bystander.

We are being in space-- exile would be very worrying, da?

For being such an intelligent machine you do not evaluate situations thoroughly... What were you used for, anyway?

Well, ah. Better to be cautious then, um. Stabbed.

Uh, you know. Lots of things. Looked after some humans for a while. Ran an entire facility, once. Then, um. Spent some time...orbiting. Orbiting the Moon.

[a dry look] Child, you haven't done anything. Yet.

[SHE'S WATCHING YOU, WHEATLEY. SHE'LL SEE THAT GINGER HAIR AND KNOW THINGS ARE GOING AWRY. OBVIOUSLY.]

Aren't we ambitious?

[UH NO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WILL GO AWRY HE KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT HE'S DOING]

You could say that, I suppose. Nothing wrong with wanting to, ah. Climb the corporate ladder, as it were.

[SHE WILL-- HE IS STILL NEW TO BEING FLESHY. SHE'S HAD EXPERIENCE SINCE THE 700s!]

If you were being human all along you could have just slept with a politician--

[Blunt as ever...]

[THAT COMMENT

HIS HEAD]

Sorry, what?

[SHE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT'S WRONG. POLITICAL MERGERS ARE ALL NORMATIVE FOR HER... OKAY YEESH]

...
It is being a way to gain the upper hand for those of us who are more inclined to humanity--

[a beat; almost sounding amused again. really this is starting to be a bad habit] You would not understand. [Next thing you know she'll be snarking at a coffee maker thinking it's Wheatley's bff]

Yeah, I'm not sure I follow. Sleeping...with?

[He has probably talked to the coffee maker.

He was probably very insulted when it ignored him.]

[Oh.] Intercourse...

When two -- or more, if you must -- organic beings meet (meat) to become one.

[through osmosis in a test tube. why is she giving him The Talk? he looks like he needs it before some random unknowing chick tries to jump his bones. squint]

This is an awkward discussion to be having when you are so scarcely dressed...

[PROCESSING.]

Oh. Oh that!? Uh.

[dangly bits]

Yeah. Not on the top of my list of things to do. No thanks.

[snorts dryly] May I ask what IS on the top of your list? Out of curiosity; it is being rare I get a chance to speak to a newly human A.I.

[HEY. HEY LOOK. THIS LOOKS LIKE SAFE TERRITORY. SAFE FOR YOUR DANGLIES. ~~christ why am I such a bad person?~~]

Right. Number one on the list! Get back in my body.

That's...that's pretty much the priority, right there.

[~~I think you mean beautiful person~~]

[headtilt] I suppose that being human is a little less ah--confidence inducing than being metallic...

Death is not a fun experience.
You should be fine though, hm? [Natalia's Welcome to Humanity 101 class is brutal...]

(I think they're getting along SWIMMINGLY tyvm)

Understatement of the century, that.

I've got a list. A--a mental list, I can't actually write, yet, but. Keeping a list. Of everything that's wrong with humans.

It's a long list.

[Truly, the best of friends.]

[wryly] You are preaching to the wrong choir, Wheatley. I am understanding.

[pausing] Though I do have the benefit of waking up again unlike most.

BELARUS.

STOP BEING ALL SCARY AND SHIT TO THIS GINGER DUDE. YOU'RE GONNA MAKE HIS BRAIN WIRES MALFUNCTION OR SOME WEIRDO SHIT.

Oh, uh. Hello! It's perfectly all right. We were just--just having a conversation.

About things. Do you two know each other?

Edited 2011-12-19 00:33 (UTC)

Oh.. oh. Oh yeah, ahahaha, hey dude!
Yeah, we're from the same world.. universe, thing. She's pretty much my rival's sister and she always carries knives and stuff with her.

I donno. I don't get women sometimes.

BELARUS, ARE YOU THREATENING THIS GUY? _{[ Then, he speaks specifically to Wheatley. ]}

Is she?

_{[ he's just asking for trouble. ]}

[Truth be told, America has to meddle all up in this thread because he perceives sexual tension that does not exist and he cannot TAKE IT. especially when he wants in Natalia's jumpsuit awwwww yeeeaaaaaah.

A bit of that calm has slipped at this interruption]

Do you remember when I was saying I would not draw my knife on anyone but my counterparts, hm? He is the main culprit.

[seething quietly to herself] Butt OUT, America!

_{[ Okay. That look she is giving him may have cause him to wet himself slightly, BUT...
He puffs out his chest. ]}

I couldn't help but overhear you two; maybe you should learn how to encrypt if you don't want me gracing you with my kickass hospitality. Yeah, I know. Thank me later, dudes. So yea, not buttin' out, babe. I'm watching you especially carefully. I'll save anybody who feels scared by you, all the while saving you to the same time, Natalia!

EVERY hero needs a rival, and usually the rivals have like, you know, sibling.. co-rivals or something. Blah blah. _{[ It's usually the rival's sibling the hero has a keen interest in, but that's beside the point. ]}

Things are different here; I'll interfere and keep the peace like I always do, even if my military, president and government aren't here.

COUNT ON ME.

_{[ blahblahblahBLAH. ]}

No, not threatening! Everything's fine, no need to worry. Nice to know you've got, um...everyone's safety in mind, though. Appreciate it.

It's Wheatley, by the way. Not, um. Ginger Dude.

.. Wheatley? What sort of stupid name is that? Hahahaha!
Were your programmers drunk or something? _{[ he's been listening in a bit, yes. ]}

Don't like it, Wheaties. That's what it makes me think of.
Or that character in Portal.

ANYWAY, WHEATIES-DUDE.
As you may have guess, this is Belarus, or Natalia. She's like; super hot if you haven't noticed.
And she can carry an interesting conversation.

But yeah, watch it for the knives, brah.

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That icon...

he is a Very Sophisticated Computer

I read that thing about the showers... sophisticated my arse.

no it was very dignified

kitty kitty kitty...

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DON'T PUT THAT THERE? WTF IS HE DOING TO THE TOASTER?!

THAT IS ONE OF LIFE'S GREATEST MYSTERIES...

SHE DIDN'T MEAN 'BUTTER HER BAGEL' LIKE /THAT/, SIR.

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video; threadjack

video; ahahahahaha

video; 8)d

aksdjf america i will hurt you.

video; BABY DON'T HURT ME, DON'T HURT ME. NO MO'

you beautiful people

we do what we can!! also, there's gonna be 4th walling if that's okay. 1.2

2.2