ataraxion | ( 005 ) video ✶ they say what you lose only turns into gold is that what this luck's gonna bring

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( 005 ) video ✶ they say what you lose only turns into gold is that what this luck's gonna bring

[ admitting she's a vampire hasn't been topping jenna's list of priorities on-ship. she's spent more time as a vampire aboard the tranquility than she did at home-- she still thinks of herself as human, for crying out loud. it doesn't matter if she likes garlic on her pizza and she can still primp in mirrors, and that unless someone accidentally impales her with a large piece of wood she could probably keep her secret longer. there's a line now, and jenna's firmly on the non-human side of it, like it or not.

after todd, there are people who won't care what jenna classifies herself as, people who will be every bit as terrified as she was when klaus used ric's body to threaten her. if klaus had been the only vampire jenna had met before dying-- before he killed her, just to drive the point home-- she might still be just as afraid.

but he wasn't the only one, and jenna can't just say nothing. so she's uncharacteristically anxious before this broadcast, staring at her communicator and changing her mind a million times. finally she sighs and pushes the button, quiet as all the careful speeches she prepared slip out of her head. ]

...Hi. Hey. [ sighing, she lifts a hand to wave awkwardly. ] For those of you who don't already know me, I'm Jenna. And I'm-- [ not human. not human. god, this is ridiculous. ] --stalling. I'll just go for it, like a bandaid.

I'm Jenna, and I'm a vampire. [ her words speed up here, because she's aware nothing here sounds like more than a sincerely nice trip taking hold. ] Here, hold on.

[ reaching out of frame, jenna grabs a small knife stolen from the kitchen-- a fit of paranoia, after katherine's arrival-- and holds it out. she's debated about this part, going back and forth all week. she's not happy with the idea for a multitude of reasons-- but even everyone won't be convinced regardless of what she does on-camera, if she has to somehow prove she's not just screwing around to everyone one by one, she'll go nuts. better a big impression first, and add more personal sides of the story one on one. ] If you're squeamish, you might not want to watch this part.

[ stripping off her hoodie and angling her arm so it's in clear view of the screen, jenna places the knife's tip on her upper arm before turning her head away and looking a little pale. the first score doesn't bring blood to the surface-- vampire strength is nothing when compared to a lifetime of trying to not cut herself when holding knives-- but after a deep breath she pushes harder, wincing as her skin splits under the blade. once the cut is long enough to make her point but not be dramatic, jenna prods at the wound a little, avoiding the sluggish, fat trickles of blood winding around her bicep. ] Sorry about that, it's just the best way I know to prove it. I mean, other than this.

[ all jenna has to do is let herself think about how much that hurt, how unfair this all is-- the ship, that she's dead at all, everything-- for her features to slip into something a lot less run of the mill. the whites of her eyes go red, veins protruding beneath them. she keeps her teeth firmly hidden behind her lips, but the point is hopefully made. her cut is beginning to close, as well, but it's still hard to switch back so jenna lets her hair swing in front of her face for a moment-- when she raises her head, the face on-screen is the one everyone who's met her up until now expects. ]

I don't drink from other people, I've never killed anyone, I really love garlic bread, all a holy water bath would do is make me cleaner, and I never asked for this. Any questions?

[ 'any questions'. yeah, she'd bet. ]

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Give or take. It's... you know. This wasn't ever in my life plan, any of it.

[ but in a way, the tranquility's been great for testing herself, as much as she can in private-- not a lot of breakable end tables or vases in space. lots of bulkheads to slam your fists against, too. ]

That's a complicated question. Short answer or the long one?

Long.

[ god bless natasha and her filters. jenna's words start slow, halting, and then tumble out faster and faster as she commits to actually talking about this. ]

I'm scared, I don't know where I stand with people who matter to me, I really want a drink, I'm stuck in space and even if I want to, I can't go home once all this is over so this-- right here-- is as good as it gets for me.

[ she looks down at her hands for a moment, exhaling shakily. ]

Sorry, that was probably more than you wanted to hear. Let's go with 'not quite, but I will be' instead.

[He shakes his head. None of it is things he can really help, but he can listen, at least.]

What's wrong with home?

[ she has a chronic overshare issue-- but admittedly, lupin's a better ear than most. ]

Nothing's wrong with it, it's just not really an option anymore.

Because of your vampirism?

[A beat. He hesitates-- but, well, what's he got to lose? Anyway, she understands how it is.]

I know it might seem like the end of the world, but I promise, it's a condition that you can learn to live with.

Because I'm dead, actually. Dead-dead. I died.

[ in for a penny, right? and maybe if she gets used to saying it, the words will stop feeling like they hurt to get out. ]

It's the creepiest second chance known to man, but that's what this is for me.

[He gives a startled sort of laugh-- but immediately holds up a hand.]

I'm sorry, I didn't-- it's just-- you aren't the only one with a story like that. Myself and another crewmember here suffered the same fate.

Oh thank god.

[ with nigel gone, jenna thought she might be the only one left. just as soon as the words tumble out she flushes, through, covering her face with a hand. ]

Sorry, I just thought I was back down to being the only one.

Not at all. And don't apologize. There's nothing more comforting than finding out you aren't alone.

[A beat.]

For the record: I'm also a werewolf. So I suppose we have that magical creature aspect in common as well.

Still, that was edging on pretty insensitive. But you're right, it's nice to know it's not just me.

[ she can't help but laugh at that, quietly. ]

We should start a support group. 'How To Cope With Your Otherwordly Nature in Space', or something like that.

[Remus snorts.]

How do you cope, if you don't mind me asking? I'm still struggling to find a way to stay sane during the next full moon. I can't imagine what it must be like not to be able to eat.

Synthetic blood, sometimes normal bags that are about to go bad, and lots of alcohol. [ SPEAKING OF. it's not great for a ~vampiric spokeswoman~ to swill tequila while trying to make a good impression, but right now she's just jenna and just jenna really needs a drink. ] It cuts down on the cravings, believe it or not.

[He raises an eyebrow, but makes no comment.]

I had no idea-- but then again, I don't pretend to know much about the intimate details of vampires.

[Though it's a bit odd, that he's never read that-- but then again, since when have textbooks ever been a hundred percent accurate where vampires and werewolves are concerned.]

Where are you from?

I don't either. I'm just patching things together as I go along.

[ nobody teaches their vampire sacrifice much about actually being a vampire, after all. ]

Virginia. I grew up in this painfully Mayberry-like little town called Mystic Falls. You?

A small village in England, though I spent the better part of my youth in Scotland. I'm not very familiar with the schools over in America, though-- I know the Salem Witches' Institute is one, but.

I've never been. [ never going to be, but good god there's acknowledging you're dead and then just wallowing in it. ] Wait, the Salem Witches'-- what, exactly?

[...oh god wait.]

You are a witch, aren't you?

Vampire, remember? I don't think those two are allowed to meld. [ ...but who even knows. it's not like jenna's an expert. ]

I know a witch, though.

[He relaxes. Thank god he hasn't broken the law, then.]

That explains why you don't know, then. There's a number of schools for witches and wizards, but understandably I'm a little lacking on which ones are in America.

If they're there, I doubt they'd tell me. Up until right before I ended up here, I was convinced witches and vampires and werewolves existed in bad late night cable and romance novels, not real life.

[And that's the final piece of the puzzle. A Muggle, then, but one forced into their world.]

That must have been quite a culture shock.

You have no idea.

[ a little bit of grim humor there: the oldest vampire ever possessed her boyfriend and tormented her until the vampire secret was spilled along the way. just how they roll in mystic falls, where there's a big town event every three hours and everyone has perfect hair. ]

For me it was rather the opposite-- I was changed when I was a child, so I grew up trying to pretend I was normal.

Oh, god, I'm so sorry.

[ her expression twists a little, looking back over the last four months and trying to imagine handling them as a child. ]

And you're asking me how I cope? I should be begging you for advice.

( 005 ) video ✶ they say what you lose only turns into gold is that what this luck's gonna bring

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