ataraxion | 011✖; (voice)

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011✖; (voice)

"People tend to believe in something, whether it's gods, a god, some sort of afterlife or nothing at all. Nothing can be something, can't it?

"In any case, the belief in the soul and that it goes somewhere after the body dies has surprisingly been a subject of interest these last few years. Is the soul a thing that is natural, and can it be created out of something that is unnatural?

"What happens to the vessel once it's no longer occupied by whatever makes you you?"

['You are a vessel. You are born to die.' Those were among the first words she's ever heard, and yet the connotation behind them are unsettling for her now.]

"Is there any place like a Heaven or a Hell for a thing that's not born but made by a person, or is it more likely that we just disappear entirely once the vessel dies?"

[Death had never been a scary prospect for her before. Not when she had something that she wanted to live and die for. She almost misses being empty, when she didn't have to worry about the things she would leave in the likely events of her eventual demise. Everything has an expiration date, after all.

[DEEP THOUGHTS coming from the lounge with booze.]

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Oh...

[The last part really catches him. Some of his nightmares come from the memories of the moments people had right before Szilard ate them. Her deaths must be memories just as painful--probably even worse, depending on how they died.]

...That really sucks. Is that why you were wonderin' about all that?

[The muscles in her shoulders and arms tighten, like she's closing in on her own self just as much as her thoughts have inside of her own head. She almost looks -- and feels -- smaller than she normally does.

[Thank god she's not on the network right now. No one else needs to see this. Even Firo seeing her like this is bad enough.]

Dying sucks. [It's such a no brainer thing to say, it sort of sounds like a joke. But she nods, and presses her chin closer to her folded knees.]

It does.

[It's almost painful to watch her huddle up like that and it hammers home how terrible it all must be. The memories, having to relive them...

He wants to get up and help her with him, but he's afraid she'd insist on staying here or maybe be offended that he'd make the gesture. Firo shifts to a less tense imitation of her posture, figuring they might have to get comfortable. She doesn't look like she's going anywhere and he doesn't want to leave her.]

Whatever I said that set this off... I'm sorry. But I know that don't mean shit and all, so I'll do what I can to make it up for you.

[Rey shakes her head, though not really looking at him.]

No, it's not you. It's here. [She taps her temple a couple times before linking her arms around her legs again.]

My father was the one who decided to give me back the memories. That knowing history would help me not to repeat it. His decision. Not mine.

He also said that it would-- ["make you want to die"] --hurt. A lot.

[She hesitates.] It's not your fault. It's his -- and mine, for bringing up the subject in the first place.

I don't think I like being alone. [Her voice sounds strange, even to her. Who is she supposed to be now?]

[He stiffens, looking at her in horror.]

He didn't even give you a choice? Jesus. What an asshole. 'S not your fault at all--that's on him.

You don't hafta be alone. It's hard to make promises in a place like this, but you've got people as long as you're here.

[Assuming she's not so unlucky that all of her friends vanish.]

[She tilts her head, almost like she's trying to hide one side of her scarred face.

[Then just shrugs again, as one would when something wasn't a big deal. Her agency has never been a big deal before. Why would her father be any different.]

People go. They always do. Because Hell is repetition.

[She's been that unlucky before. And has been to that point where it just seems easier not to establish close connections with people. But that's hard, too.]

Everything ends eventually. But, uh, what's that part about hell?

[He leans forward to try and make eye contact with her.

He knew he wouldn't be fortunate enough to have his family forever, but he didn't dwell on being alone. He just suppressed it like a normal person. So he's not too sure how to argue with her about this, but damn it, he's going to try.]

[As Firo leans in, Rey tenses. Her eyes locked in the space in front of her, though it's like she's seeing nothing.]

Those women -- the ones that I used to be -- they all had one thing in common. They lived alone, and when they died they were alone. Over and over and over. Even the one who tried to find meaning in it all -- she couldn't. We couldn't. Because she is me and I am her and history repeats itself. The pain echoes. We either let it hurt or...

[Something in her expression starts, like hearing the crack of a whip. She shakes her head, rubbing her forehead.]

Sorry. [Pause.] Really, sorry. Don't think it's coming out -- um, not making much sense right now.

[The tension in her body is signal enough for him to shift back and give her some space.]

There's nothin' for you to be sorry for.

[But, yeah, he'd agree that she isn't making much sense at all. He'd be a pretty bad friend if he let that get in his way, though.]

But... Why couldn't it be different for you? You've got friends even in a crappy place like this.

[Rey is inclined to disagree -- she has plenty of things she's sorry for. Not just to Firo, but to a great many people.

[Her teeth grind for a moment. She doesn't say anything at first. Until finally, she manages to shift her eyes and stare at him, because

[f r i e n d s ?

[Rey doesn't have friends. That's just silly- aw shit.]

Never really thought about it that much. Tried not to, since it always seemed like a fleeting concept. Was never able to build long-term relationships before.

[What with the dying thing and all.]

[Sorry, Rey, you're officially trapped in Friendville. And there's no escape.

He smiles at the sudden eye contact, though there's a touch of obliviousness to it. Something's going on in her head, he can tell, but he has no clue what it is. What matters is that she seems just a little less distant now and that's a victory.]

You don't need to think about it, do ya? It'll just happen and then you can enjoy it.

...Never thought I'd say this, but maybe there is a good thing about bein' here. Even if you couldn't do this stuff back home, you can here, right?

[Friendville sounds better than Friend Zone.]

Certainly did trade in one shit deal for another. [Her lip twitches a little. Not quite like a smile, but it's... something.

[And then, she mutters:] At least back home there was takeout.

[It's a merry place!

Is that a joke? He hopes it is; that would mean she might be feeling a bit better. And also being compared to takeout would honestly kind of hurt.]

...Great. I'm glad to know that no matter what we go through together, I'll still be less important than crappy food.

[That's for her to know and you to-- oh, them's fighting words.]

There is absolutely nothing "crappy" about Chinese food.

[YOU TAKE THAT BACK TAKE THAT BACK RIGHT NOW.

[Okay she may be lightening up a little bit.]

[That is... definitely not the answer he expected, but he thinks he's more than ready for this fight!]

I never said it was! I practically grew up in a half-Chinese food restaurant, you know. It's the takeout stuff specifically that's crappy.

[Here's where he would shamelessly plug Alveare, if anyone gave a damn.]

...

[She makes a huff that's like a... laugh or something. It's hard to say, considering it's a sharp and succinct sound so who knows what the fuck even.]

Well, it was all that was available for some time.

[When she was deemed too unstable to interact with the general public and her sense of taste had been fixed, she's not too picky when it comes to food.

[That said SHE WOULD FUCKING LOVE TO HAVE GROWN UP IN A HALF-CHINESE FOOD RESTAURANT AND EAT THAT SHIT EVERY FUCKING DAY FOR THE REST OF HER GODDAMN LIFE.]

[It was the best place for a half-feral street urchin to grow up into a mini-gangster. And, yes, he did still eat a lot of his meals there. He was a lucky, lucky person.]

Seriously? Sorry to insult your terrible taste, then, if it wasn't all your fault.

[There are definitely worse ways for half-feral street urchins to grow up.]

Didn't have any taste at all until a few years back. What few flavors there were was -- off.

[Rancid is more like it. You'd enjoy crappy food too if everything you ate tasted like crap for over ninety years.]

Seriously? How's that happen?

[Knowing next to nothing about how senses actually work, he'd just assumed anyone with a tongue could taste fine.]

It happens when the person putting you back together doesn't like you very much.

[She's actually fairly blasé about it, since she doesn't really fault Gregory. It was shitty -- but then, she had done a great deal of shitty things herself back then. Seemed more karmic than anything.]

He could've taken something more valuable, like hearing or touch. All he took was taste. [Whatever, mang.]

I guess you could look at it that way, but, shit, that ain't his to take, is it?

[And he has to wonder why the person would bother putting her back if they were that pissed with her]

...So, anybody else we gotta add to the list?

[It sounds like Rey has been screwed over by quite a few people. Firo doesn't know why, but as a friend, he doesn't need to.]

At the time it wasn't mine, either. Was created, not born. Didn't have the right to choose. That came later.

[She kind of has an agency now. Kind of. Especially here, where there's no one to really bark out orders and tell her what to do. Not in the way she's used to, at least. If someone tried ordering her on another suicide mission like she'd had so many times, she would have that ability here to say yes or no.]

Fortunately Gregory is already taken care of. My father has -- well, we've worked out our differences, in spite of everything. Helps that he let me crush his skull in a few times.

His health improved.

[Being a human with regenerative cells also helps, she suppose.

[She can't really think of anyone else who'd done her "wrong". IV, maybe. But Rey isn't so full of vitriol for the woman. After all, they're pretty alike.]

[Even being immortal himself, Firo's taken off guard by that. Though it's only surprise, not disgust--fucker did deserve it, anyway.]

...Oh. Yeah, that sounds like that'd do it...

Is he like you? With the metal and all?

No. He was human. Still is, sort of. He's different, and very old, though he doesn't look it.

[She holds out her forearm, and pinches it lightly with her other hand, but not enough to really hurt.] This is his skin. His cells. My brother as well, so we're genetically the same. We were just brought up separately -- in that he was actually brought up.

[Rey actually envies Orion, being allowed to live a normal childhood with "parents" who actually gave a shit about him. All she has are fake memories written over by Gregory to keep her from wanting to connect with people.]

[Having gone from no family to the best family in the world, Firo knows the importance of having someone.

He scowls and kicks at the ground with his heel.]

Why's he get to be the lucky one?

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