ataraxion | 011✖; (voice)

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011✖; (voice)

"People tend to believe in something, whether it's gods, a god, some sort of afterlife or nothing at all. Nothing can be something, can't it?

"In any case, the belief in the soul and that it goes somewhere after the body dies has surprisingly been a subject of interest these last few years. Is the soul a thing that is natural, and can it be created out of something that is unnatural?

"What happens to the vessel once it's no longer occupied by whatever makes you you?"

['You are a vessel. You are born to die.' Those were among the first words she's ever heard, and yet the connotation behind them are unsettling for her now.]

"Is there any place like a Heaven or a Hell for a thing that's not born but made by a person, or is it more likely that we just disappear entirely once the vessel dies?"

[Death had never been a scary prospect for her before. Not when she had something that she wanted to live and die for. She almost misses being empty, when she didn't have to worry about the things she would leave in the likely events of her eventual demise. Everything has an expiration date, after all.

[DEEP THOUGHTS coming from the lounge with booze.]

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[That's for her to know and you to-- oh, them's fighting words.]

There is absolutely nothing "crappy" about Chinese food.

[YOU TAKE THAT BACK TAKE THAT BACK RIGHT NOW.

[Okay she may be lightening up a little bit.]

[That is... definitely not the answer he expected, but he thinks he's more than ready for this fight!]

I never said it was! I practically grew up in a half-Chinese food restaurant, you know. It's the takeout stuff specifically that's crappy.

[Here's where he would shamelessly plug Alveare, if anyone gave a damn.]

...

[She makes a huff that's like a... laugh or something. It's hard to say, considering it's a sharp and succinct sound so who knows what the fuck even.]

Well, it was all that was available for some time.

[When she was deemed too unstable to interact with the general public and her sense of taste had been fixed, she's not too picky when it comes to food.

[That said SHE WOULD FUCKING LOVE TO HAVE GROWN UP IN A HALF-CHINESE FOOD RESTAURANT AND EAT THAT SHIT EVERY FUCKING DAY FOR THE REST OF HER GODDAMN LIFE.]

[It was the best place for a half-feral street urchin to grow up into a mini-gangster. And, yes, he did still eat a lot of his meals there. He was a lucky, lucky person.]

Seriously? Sorry to insult your terrible taste, then, if it wasn't all your fault.

[There are definitely worse ways for half-feral street urchins to grow up.]

Didn't have any taste at all until a few years back. What few flavors there were was -- off.

[Rancid is more like it. You'd enjoy crappy food too if everything you ate tasted like crap for over ninety years.]

Seriously? How's that happen?

[Knowing next to nothing about how senses actually work, he'd just assumed anyone with a tongue could taste fine.]

It happens when the person putting you back together doesn't like you very much.

[She's actually fairly blasé about it, since she doesn't really fault Gregory. It was shitty -- but then, she had done a great deal of shitty things herself back then. Seemed more karmic than anything.]

He could've taken something more valuable, like hearing or touch. All he took was taste. [Whatever, mang.]

I guess you could look at it that way, but, shit, that ain't his to take, is it?

[And he has to wonder why the person would bother putting her back if they were that pissed with her]

...So, anybody else we gotta add to the list?

[It sounds like Rey has been screwed over by quite a few people. Firo doesn't know why, but as a friend, he doesn't need to.]

At the time it wasn't mine, either. Was created, not born. Didn't have the right to choose. That came later.

[She kind of has an agency now. Kind of. Especially here, where there's no one to really bark out orders and tell her what to do. Not in the way she's used to, at least. If someone tried ordering her on another suicide mission like she'd had so many times, she would have that ability here to say yes or no.]

Fortunately Gregory is already taken care of. My father has -- well, we've worked out our differences, in spite of everything. Helps that he let me crush his skull in a few times.

His health improved.

[Being a human with regenerative cells also helps, she suppose.

[She can't really think of anyone else who'd done her "wrong". IV, maybe. But Rey isn't so full of vitriol for the woman. After all, they're pretty alike.]

[Even being immortal himself, Firo's taken off guard by that. Though it's only surprise, not disgust--fucker did deserve it, anyway.]

...Oh. Yeah, that sounds like that'd do it...

Is he like you? With the metal and all?

No. He was human. Still is, sort of. He's different, and very old, though he doesn't look it.

[She holds out her forearm, and pinches it lightly with her other hand, but not enough to really hurt.] This is his skin. His cells. My brother as well, so we're genetically the same. We were just brought up separately -- in that he was actually brought up.

[Rey actually envies Orion, being allowed to live a normal childhood with "parents" who actually gave a shit about him. All she has are fake memories written over by Gregory to keep her from wanting to connect with people.]

[Having gone from no family to the best family in the world, Firo knows the importance of having someone.

He scowls and kicks at the ground with his heel.]

Why's he get to be the lucky one?

It was to protect him. To keep him safe from the same man who had taken me, rewired my head with these memories. He would've done the same to my brother if our father hadn't sent him away.

Eventually that luck of his ran out -- but if one of us deserved to have a good life, it was him. [She's too damned old to be bitter about it anymore, and Orion is a hard guy to be mad at.]

You'd probably like him. Wouldn't really be the same person without him.

[Firo was usually the first to claim the guy he was beating up "deserved it," but it didn't sit so well with him to hear one of his friends using the phrase on herself.]

Don't talk about who deserved what, okay?

[He pauses a moment to let the irritation leave his voice.]

What was he like? If you can talk about it.

Okay... [She's not particularly in the mood to argue, especially with that particular subject.

[Besides, she'd much rather talk about her stupid brother. And though she knows she's spoken of him to Firo before, she's not sure if she ever shared the finer details of what he meant.]

He's stubborn, and an idiot. But he it's easier for him to be "human", most likely because he was raised by people who cared. [He's never told her that, mind you. But she can tell by the way he always mentioned his adoptive parents.] Though we may look it, you wouldn't think we're related, we're so different. And in spite of everything, he never gave up on me, even after going mad and trying to hurt him. He just wants to help. That's the kind of idiot he is.

I wish he was here. Really here, that is. Not like the thing that wore his face when we were in the core. [Firo might know what she's talking about -- the last recon.] Miss him.

[Despite her words cracking a little at that last part, she actually does manage a smile this time. Orion was just one of those kinds of people.]

[He laughed; that was probably how the Gandors would talk about each other. Heck, that was kind of how he talked about them]

Idiot, huh? He doesn't sound too bad.

[He winces just thinking about what went on in recon. Seeing fakes of their friends and family was more painful than not seeing those faces.]

...I bet. Bein' away from a brother, that's rough.

Yes. He took me to an opera once.

[Rey doesn't really seem like an opera fan, but there you have it.

[She looks at him with some interest.] Do you have any brothers?

[Firo did mention something about living in a restaurant, and even Rey knows that that's usually a family thing. A few other things he's said before comes to mind as well -- and admittedly she feels bad about never asking him about it very much.]

[Nope, she doesn't look like an opera fan at all; Firo has to laugh at the image. Then his face settles into something more contemplative as he considers her question.]

Dependin' on how you look at it, I've got 4 older brothers, a younger brother, or about 10.

[The 10 being the other Martillo capos who were both Family and family to him; Maiza was, out of everyone, probably the closest he had to a brother. Czes would be his only younger brother, if the kid ever liked him that much.

And then the Gandors...]

Back when I was a kid, there was another family in the same tenement who had 4 kids. We spent every day together, pretty much--their dad was great to me, too. A real amazin' guy. We always thought we'd make the brother thing official when I joined their Family, but it didn't really work out like that. They're still my brothers, though.

[Asking him about anything family-related is a mistake, Rey.]

[Seriously Firo you would've gotten a kick out of it. She got all dolled up for that opera and everything. Just about the only thing Rey-like at the time were the combat boots she wore under that fancy dress -- and of course the scars, which she can't easily hide if she wanted to.

[And perhaps bringing up family with them both is a mistake, because there's something strangely comforting hearing about the stuff that Firo's talking about that she doesn't even mind him running his mouth like that.

[Hell, she's kind of a little envious of him. Rey would give her arm to have a big fucking family.]

Must be nice, to have people like that for most of your whole life. [Even her false memories never provided her with the illusion of a happy childhood and any siblings.]

Edited 2015-03-10 06:17 (UTC)

[It sounds amazing.

He smiles. The people he's lost or missed out on don't even cross his mind; he's already been more lucky than he could have ever imagined.]

Yeah, it is. Just goes to show you're not stuck with the people you're related to. You never know when you might meet your family.

[The finding, of course, takes a massive stroke of luck. Firo sometimes wonders what he'd be like if the people who took him in weren't as good as the Martillos.

He doesn't think about stuff like that for very long.]

[If you can believe such a thing, she even LIKED IT.]

Sorry you can't be with them. You probably miss your family, too.

[Not that being here is a bad thing, considering all the people she's met and all. Her world sucks just as much as this place does, so safety has never been much of an issue. But she's never had lifelong friends that have become family to her in the way Firo has, so it must be harder for him, right?]

[He looks away, suddenly uncomfortable with admitting it. Even if he probably makes it pretty obvious.]

...Yeah. I always knew stuff like that isn't forever, but I woulda' liked some more time.

I mean, not that I want 'em to be here or anything.

[Rey understands that she's selfish, because she can't help but feel differently. Given the chance, she would've rather her brother be here. Things were just easier and she always knew what to do with him around. Not like here, where she spent so long just lost.

[She pauses, wishing that it was possible for her to agree with Firo.]

This isn't going to be forever, either.

[She can live without the freaking out parts, but admittedly she would miss some things about the people here if/when that time ever comes when it ends. However it comes about.]

[He laughs, running his hand through his hair.]

...Yeah, you're right. Is it stupid a' me to not feel so great about that either?

[It surprises him, but it's true. He's made connections to people here that he doesn't want to lose.

He rests his head on his knees, then a moment later shifts so he can look at her.]

Family comes first, so... I need to get outta here and find my way back. But I'll miss you.

[She shakes her head.]

No, not stupid.

[She hates to admit it, but she also doesn't like losing the people she's met here. But she's already lost a lot and it's hard not to feel like it can all just disappear any moment. Sometimes she can't help but think that things were better before she started actually giving a shit about people.

[dumbass feelings why do they have to exist]

Don't blame you. Wouldn't hesitate given the chance, too.

Suppose it's a bad time to be thinking about the-- [pause] --stuff from before.

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