╰xx6╮[video]

[lacksgrace]

[ Time for another lovely PA post from Tranquility's resident insensitive jerk. Except, this time, the video isn't as focused as normal; it bounces a little with each step he takes and only shows glimpses of green. The thick, pretty dense parts of the Oxygen Garden. ]

I keep saying it over and over, and I don't think people are getting the idea yet. [ A huff. ] No one has it easy--I understand that. Every jump brings a new group of people here, and it's the same boring shit.

I don't wanna be here. I wanna go home. This place is dangerous. Maybe it is, yeah. But has anyone ever considered actually trying to make it work instead of just, I dunno. Looking for a way to leave?

[ The aggravation isn't wearing off this time. He's had a bad jump, and when he sets his device aside, tucked somewhere up in a tree so he can look into it, his face is pretty pale. Bells seems anxious, unsure. He bites at his lip. ]

I mean, it's not the worst place. Right? There are things, people worth needing to be here for. And what if - [ He visibly swallows, looking down at something he's holding in his hands. ] - what if you're pretty damn sure home doesn't wanna have you back anyway? The message is kinda clear when someone you thought who'd never, fuck. Someone who you figured would never say something like that to you has said what they think without even being here.

[ Rambling now, and his fingers tremble as he lifts the gun into view. It hangs limply for a second, then he curls his hand around it. Tight enough so that his knuckles are white with the pressure. Bells steps closer to the device, snatching it and bringing it close to his face. The barrel, now, is pressed hard beneath his jaw.]

None of you have any fucking idea. This isn't the worst it could be.

[ He drops the device, and just as the video is cut, the sound of the gun discharging can be heard. ]

Comments

video;

[showbizpanache]

[A shriek.]

Bells? Bells-- Answer me, please? Are you there? Please answer, please, please--

[He's holding the video close to his face, which is drained of what little color it usually has. He's clearly hyperventilating.]

[lacksgrace]

[ There's a bit of static when he finally does answer, but it's focused nowhere on his person. His voice is strained. ]

Kurt—

[showbizpanache]

[His voice is shrill and cracking.]

What's going on? What happened? Are you hurt? Let me see you--

[lacksgrace]

I can't. [ There's a hard breath. ] Nothing happened. I just-- I'm fine. [ And then a long pause. ]

I'm okay.

[showbizpanache]

Where are you?

[lacksgrace]

The garden. I'll meet you--

[ Bells cuts it off there because he doesn't trust himself enough to keep talking. He needs to see him. ]

---> action;

[showbizpanache]

[Kurt turns off the feed and sprints to the gardens, panic clouding his vision. He hasn't experienced fear like this in a long time; it's like he swallowed ice, like it's trickling through his stomach and turning the tips of his fingers numb and just please don't be hurt please don't die please don't leave me--

Oh god, the gardens are fucking huge. Where in the hell-- He calls out, his voice breaking:]

I'm here! It's Kurt--

[lacksgrace]

[ It's selfish of him, he thinks now, to have done something like this because Kurt's voice is almost too painful to stand. Bells doesn't get why, but he's not thinking straight. He's been a mess since the jump, and he'd needed an outlet--

He stumbles around a bend in the path, gripping Kurt's arm from behind. He's left the gun back where he'd shot it, having almost chucked it into the trees. His eyes are red from actually forcing himself not to cry. ]

[showbizpanache]

[He gasps sharply, quite terrified when he feels his arm grabbed from behind-- But then that fear turns into a whole series of emotions starting with relief to find that Bells isn't actually hurt. That relief then turns to confusion and concern and anger that Bells would scare him like that especially considering what sort of place this is and what has happened lately honestly how could he--

And sure, he could mention that, articulate all of this, but instead he just throws his arms around the taller man, clinging like a frightened child.]

But-- Why? [It's all he can manage for the time being.]

[lacksgrace]

[ One arm immediately goes around him, half-caught in his own relief while the other part of him is very focused on trying to remain standing. He feels absurdly weak in that moment, tired from all the emotion he just can't process. His breath is ragged too, head down so he can press his face against him. ]

I don't have anywhere else to go now.

[ It's all he can manage, even if it doesn't make much sense. His fingers clutch and pull at Kurt's shirt, dragging him closer. ]

[showbizpanache]

[He clings even tighter.]

You're scaring me.

[lacksgrace]

[ His breath hitches, caught between explaining and being frustrated. Bells can feel his eyes burn. ]

No one wants me. I can't-- [ He swallows, clutches at him hard. ] Sorry.

[showbizpanache]

[Pulling back, he holds Bells' face in his hands, looking confused and almost desperate.]

What are you saying? Look at me, look at me... [He smooths his hair out of his eyes.] What happened? Just tell me what happened.

[lacksgrace]

[ But he doesn't want to look at him. Even as Kurt cups his face, he closes his eyes to keep that teary sensation at bay. Bells doesn't know how to form the exact words, though he tries after a moment. ]

In my locker... [ No, that's not what he wants to say. ] I don't wanna go back. I can't. I have to stay here because, because-- I'll end up dead if I do.

[showbizpanache]

You're here right now, okay? Just think about right now.

[Where Bells is holding tears back, Kurt is letting his flow. He can never hold back tears.]

What was in your locker? Please, talk to me.

[lacksgrace]

[ He leans back a little, pressing the back of his hand to his eyes. Calm. He's going to stay calm. But when he finally looks at Kurt, sees him crying, it all seems to work backwards. His expression falls. ]

That gun belongs to someone I know, and it only had one bullet it in. You know what that means, right? [ He bites at his lip, the words tumbling free. ] If he's not here to do it, I should just do it myself. But I-- I wouldn't do that.

[ Bells presses his palm to Kurt's cheek. ] I wouldn't do that to you, okay? I'm not like that. I just needed... I didn't know what else to do.

[showbizpanache]

You're scaring me.

[He feels small and helpless and so stupid right now, but he's just a kid. Bells is an angel, or was, and he's been to Hell and his entire world seems to be beyond Kurt's level of understanding in so many ways. Kurt pulls back, pressing his fist against his mouth.]

Y-you're part of something so-- I can't get it. I can't understand all of this, Bells, you have to help me understand. Please.

[lacksgrace]

I don't wanna scare you, Kurt. This is just how it is. It's, fuck. [ A frustrated sound, and he suddenly feels so dizzy he needs to sit. Right now. Bells wavers a little, legs crossed and hand to his head when he manages to find himself on the ground not quite so gracefully. ]

I don't know how to explain it. I've never had to before. All I know is that if I ever go back there, I'm probably gonna die. There's no second chance for me. This is all I've got.

[showbizpanache]

[He doesn't sit yet.]

But why?

[lacksgrace]

I dunno. You're not a good person if you end up in Hell. But what's that say about me if I can't even stay there? If Hell won't take me back-- [ He pauses, pressing the heels of his hands against his eyes. ] Dammit. I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore.

[showbizpanache]

[Kurt's quiet for a long time, just looking down at Bells, utterly conflicted. He's lost in thought for a while, but then something happens-- His mind whites out completely, and he suddenly doesn't want to think anymore. What happened doesn't matter. What matters is that Bells is hurting and Kurt is there to make him feel better. The details don't have to factor into it right now.

So he gets down on the floor with him, and instead of sitting he moves to climb into Bells' lap and wrap his arms around him again. This time they're much closer, heartbeat to heartbeat, and Kurt closes his eyes and pushes his confusion away for now.]

[lacksgrace]

[ He jerks a little at the contact, drowning in his own thoughts and all the words that still don't make sense to him. Bells wants to tell Kurt, tell him everything, but those explanations always get so twisted up when he tries and leaves him frustrated. Now, he's vulnerable and hurt and bitter about things he shouldn't even be thinking about. All he can do is attempt to manually shut it off, make himself forget.

Kurt's warm. So incredibly warm pressed against him like this. Bells curls his fingers into the front of his clothes and leans into him, shaking but still not quite crying. He doesn't want to feel like this anymore. He wants it to stop. His voice is almost muted when he speaks. ]

I'm sorry.

[showbizpanache]

It's...it's okay.

[He shudders a little in Bells' arms, and sniffs.]

I just thought-- For a second, I...

[lacksgrace]

[ It's not okay. He doesn't think any of this is okay, but he doesn't press it. Instead, he slips his hands free so he can embrace him. ]

I wouldn't. I promised, didn't I? [ A breath. ] You're the only thing that seems to make sense around here.

[showbizpanache]

But I can't help you.

[He shakes his head, frustrated.]

I want to but I can't.