╰xx6╮[video]

[lacksgrace]

[ Time for another lovely PA post from Tranquility's resident insensitive jerk. Except, this time, the video isn't as focused as normal; it bounces a little with each step he takes and only shows glimpses of green. The thick, pretty dense parts of the Oxygen Garden. ]

I keep saying it over and over, and I don't think people are getting the idea yet. [ A huff. ] No one has it easy--I understand that. Every jump brings a new group of people here, and it's the same boring shit.

I don't wanna be here. I wanna go home. This place is dangerous. Maybe it is, yeah. But has anyone ever considered actually trying to make it work instead of just, I dunno. Looking for a way to leave?

[ The aggravation isn't wearing off this time. He's had a bad jump, and when he sets his device aside, tucked somewhere up in a tree so he can look into it, his face is pretty pale. Bells seems anxious, unsure. He bites at his lip. ]

I mean, it's not the worst place. Right? There are things, people worth needing to be here for. And what if - [ He visibly swallows, looking down at something he's holding in his hands. ] - what if you're pretty damn sure home doesn't wanna have you back anyway? The message is kinda clear when someone you thought who'd never, fuck. Someone who you figured would never say something like that to you has said what they think without even being here.

[ Rambling now, and his fingers tremble as he lifts the gun into view. It hangs limply for a second, then he curls his hand around it. Tight enough so that his knuckles are white with the pressure. Bells steps closer to the device, snatching it and bringing it close to his face. The barrel, now, is pressed hard beneath his jaw.]

None of you have any fucking idea. This isn't the worst it could be.

[ He drops the device, and just as the video is cut, the sound of the gun discharging can be heard. ]

Comments

[lacksgrace]

[ He jerks a little at the contact, drowning in his own thoughts and all the words that still don't make sense to him. Bells wants to tell Kurt, tell him everything, but those explanations always get so twisted up when he tries and leaves him frustrated. Now, he's vulnerable and hurt and bitter about things he shouldn't even be thinking about. All he can do is attempt to manually shut it off, make himself forget.

Kurt's warm. So incredibly warm pressed against him like this. Bells curls his fingers into the front of his clothes and leans into him, shaking but still not quite crying. He doesn't want to feel like this anymore. He wants it to stop. His voice is almost muted when he speaks. ]

I'm sorry.

[showbizpanache]

It's...it's okay.

[He shudders a little in Bells' arms, and sniffs.]

I just thought-- For a second, I...

[lacksgrace]

[ It's not okay. He doesn't think any of this is okay, but he doesn't press it. Instead, he slips his hands free so he can embrace him. ]

I wouldn't. I promised, didn't I? [ A breath. ] You're the only thing that seems to make sense around here.

[showbizpanache]

But I can't help you.

[He shakes his head, frustrated.]

I want to but I can't.

[lacksgrace]

[ Bells bites his lip, pulling back and settling his hands on his shoulders--a light but firm grip. ]

That's not true. You don't know how much you've already done for me.

[showbizpanache]

It's not enough.

[He looks apprehensive but firm.]

I want to know more. Everything. Who's trying to kill you? What happened in Hell? Please, just tell me... I'm going to go crazy worrying if you don't.

[lacksgrace]

No one's trying to kill me. I just think they'd rather see me dead. The gun-- [ He drops his gaze for a second. This isn't how he'd wanted to tell him these things, and Lor had already said it probably hadn't been for those reasons. Bells isn't convinced though. He knows better. ] It belongs to a demon named Cole. He was, uh. We used to see each other a lot, but it was never... It's not like this.

Maybe I wronged him somehow. Or pissed someone else off. I dunno. [ His eyes water a bit, and he turns his head, pressing the back of his hand against them. ] It's like no one's ever needed me. Not really.

[showbizpanache]

[A demon. Okay. He worries his lip between his teeth as he absently plays with Bells' hair, comforting him.]

Where is it now? The gun?

[lacksgrace]

Somewhere in there. [ A slight gesture toward all the trees. ] I left it. I don't wanna look at it. I don't need it because-- [ His voice immediately drops to a whisper. ] It came with something worse.

[showbizpanache]

[He sits back on his heels, still straddling Bells' lap. There's a frown on his face now, as his heart drops low into his chest.]

What is it?

[lacksgrace]

Let's go back to my room. I'll show you.

[ Because he doesn't feel like staying in the OG anymore. He wants to be alone, be with Kurt. He wants to forget, and he can't do that here. ]

[showbizpanache]

Okay...

[He'd have much preferred Bells to just be out with it. Now he has to carry the fear and dread within him as they walk out of the gardens, back to the dark interior of the ship.]

[lacksgrace]

[ He holds onto his hand the entire time, head down a little. Bells' thoughts are a mess, racing in so many different directions, and he's not even sure what he's doing now. Why he's letting him in even more than he already has to begin with.

But when they're finally there, he doesn't think about that. He drops Kurt's hand to retrieve what he wants to give him from beneath his pillow--his favorite place to put things, keep them close. Then, he moves back to him and presses the small bottle into his palm. ]

This.

[showbizpanache]

[Kurt looks down at it, confused.]

I don't understand...

[lacksgrace]

It's HL. [ Like he should know what it is by the name. He pauses, bites at his lip. ] It's, they're drugs. I told you before--

[showbizpanache]

[Kurt's heart drops all the way out of his chest at that. He clutches the HL tightly and takes a step back, drawing it close to his chest.]

[lacksgrace]

[ He doesn't understand what that response is supposed to mean, but Bells closes the space between them, settling his hand atop Kurt's. ]

I haven't, uh. I said I wasn't going to take it anymore. [ This is A Big Deal for him, saying that. ] I just didn't know what to do with it. Not with everything else happening too.

[showbizpanache]

[He holds it tighter.]

We'll get rid of it. We're going to get rid of it.

[lacksgrace]

[ That answer makes him feel...strange. Bells doesn't know what to say, pulling his hand back and looking down at his fingers as if searching for an answer there. It'd taken such a long time to get to this point. Except, now he has more and Kurt wants to-- ]

I need a minute. [ His chest feels tight, and he sits at the upper end of his bed, unable to do anything besides try to breathe. ]

[showbizpanache]

[Kurt frowns. His stomach feels sick. He doesn't want to let the bottle go--wants to find somewhere to throw it away, make it disappear--but that wouldn't help, he realizes. This has to be Bells' decision, his journey. Kurt can't do it for him. It wouldn't be right.

So he steps forward slowly and lowers himself down next to Bells. A moment's hesitation before he hands the bottle back.]

I'm sorry. I said I wanted to help, but... I can't force you to do anything. And I won't.

[lacksgrace]

[ It takes him a while to actually realize Kurt's sitting beside him, and a little more than that to acknowledge the bottle. Bells stares at it, watches the way the soft glow of it settles against the glass that's touching Kurt's skin. Eventually, he shakes his head and pushes it back toward his chest, curling his fingers over Kurt's. ]

You're not forcing me. I just. It's the only thing I've had for centuries, you know. [ He bites at his lip. ] But I don't think need it anymore.

[showbizpanache]

Do you want me to hold onto it?

[He looks uneasy, but he's willing to do anything to make things easier for Bells, especially with the state the other man is in.]

[lacksgrace]

It won't help. [ He sighs, squeezing his hand before pulling away. ] Maybe you're right about getting rid of it. If you keep it--

[ He only shakes his head, not wanting to elaborate. What would it take for him to find it again if he changed his mind? Holding onto the drug wouldn't do either of them any good. ]

[showbizpanache]

Let's get rid of it together then. Okay?

[lacksgrace]

[ He wants to ask how, exactly, he plans to do that, but he's suddenly too exhausted. Bells shifts a little closer so he can lean against him. ]

Yeah, okay. As long as you're with me.