ataraxion | 005; video

[Hello again, Tranquility. Blake's face is probably not a popular one, after his last appearance, but today he looks tired and remorseful instead of angry. So that's an improvement, right? Indeed, he wouldn't even be doing this except he knows he owes it to everyone. So he definitely looks like a man who is biting the bullet – a particularly unpleasant, embarrassing one.]

I know a lot of you were really confused and angry over my last network post. I'm sure many of you would rather not give me the time of day right now, and that's fair enough. I don't deserve much, after the things I said and did. I certainly don't deserve or expect forgiveness for them. But I owe it to everyone to apologize, so that's what I'm doing.

[Here he glances away momentarily. He hates talking about... private things, about feelings, but this is his responsibility right now.]

I wore my mask. A few times. It was a really bad call on my part, but at the time I thought that would be the best way to figure out what it did. Be the guinea pig, I guess. I didn't anticipate the consequences. Every minor annoyance became a major problem, became something that I needed to blame someone for, and my brain-to-mouth filter was completely removed.

I don't say this to excuse myself – there is no excuse for what I said, because those were still my words, or what I did, because those were always my actions. I was in control of myself, albeit in an altered state. It was still me making those choices, and they were bad ones, and I take full responsibility for them.

That said, I don't actually believe the things I said. There are always issues, problems, points of contention, in any community, but I sincerely believe that most of the people on this ship are doing their best to help everyone, to figure this out and get us home. What I said, the way I acted, I learned a long time ago that those things are not productive. It was stupid of me, and I'm sorry.

I really can't say it enough: I'm sorry.

((ooc: so Blake has been noticeably absent both on the network and on the Tranquility in general since his angry post of anger. Pretty much the only thing he's been doing are his security patrols; otherwise he's basically been in his room, brooding, not talking to anyone he normally talks to. Feel free to comment on this!))

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[That actually gets him to laugh a little.] Fair enough.

I probably haven't forgiven as often as I should. One of my other flaws, I guess. A tendency to hold a grudge.

All that negative energy isn't good for you. Makes you go grey and gives you wrinkles. You're too cute for wrinkles on that babyface, okay? Sometimes, you just gotta let go.

I probably already have a few wrinkles starting, whether or not I have negative energy, or whatever.

[He pauses a beat.]

Baby face, really?

Please. How old are you?

I call it how I see it.

Twenty-five, last I checked. Not a baby, anyway.

Still too young for wrinkles.

I'd say that depends on the person. [Let's be real, he probably is already starting to develop a few frown lines.]

Either way, it's all that grudge holding. You need to get it out. Have you ever tried meditation?

I doubt it's just grudge holding.

I work out a lot.

Sexual frustration?

It's clearly not doing enough. Come with me when I do yoga.

What? No, that's. That's not what I'm talking about. [Gosh Angela why you always gotta talk about sex?]

I'll... Think about it. I have a pretty good routine in place already. [SENPAI HELPS HIM.]

Then what are you talking about? [Cause it's been a while and she horny.]

Basketball? Maybe you need something more relaxing. Grounding.

Stress?

I do a lot more than basketball. [A lot more than he feels comfortable admitting on the network, truth be told. Only about half of his routine is actually spent in the public gyms.]

I'm telling you, yoga and meditation's good for that. I was a non-believer once too, but now I swear by it.

Like what?

I know they are.

[He takes a breath, thinking.] Standard work-out routine. Morning jog, stretching session, cardio and strength training, a little meditation when I have the time, I've picked up a few things since I've been here.

I could maybe try yoga with you sometime, if you want.

Please do. It gets lonely on the holodeck no matter how many times I switch the scenery to Paris.

[Aw, she mentioned Paris. Ariadne talked about Paris a lot. Talked about showing him Paris. But now she's not speaking to him. SAD BLAKE IS SAD.]

Yeah, well.

It's easy to feel lonely in a big city.

[): Everybody is breaking up.]

Or on a big ship.

That, too. [LOOK AT HIS ANGST.]

Something wrong? Other than the obvious.

[SOMEBODY NEEDS A HUG. HER RADAR IS GOING OFF.]

Nothing keeping my mouth shut wouldn't have prevented.

Give it time. Nerves are still raw and we're all still stressed. Some people take longer than others to come around.

[He hesitates a long time because wow, is he not used to talking about this stuff with anyone, ever.

But he also... well, Angela seems to know a lot about this kind of thing. Feelings and stuff. So maybe she can help him if he tells her a little more.]

What if someone says they don't want to talk to me ever again?

Usually, it's hyperbole. They say it out of anger. However, don't push it. Let them come around.

Who said that to you?

Yeah, I mean, I haven't. I won't... bother her.

[If she could see his face, it would look... incredibly sheepish.]

I- You don't have to deal with this, it's not. Anything that you need to worry about.

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