voice + text | 005

[handelaar]

[If it sounds like he's rattling off meeting notes… it's because that's exactly what he's doing. Sort of. He doesn't keep to the script too well. But the last time he did the PSA for the Gardens he was a dick, apparently, and not being a dick is important (apparently), so this time he's written it all out beforehand. Hey, he tried.]

Couple-a things about the Gardens.

One: If you want something specific from 'em, place an order here.

{attachment: Order Form.}

As soon as we have it, we can take it up to the specified passenger deck. Saves you time, saves us a huge goddamn headache when we go for somethin' and it's not there. There's also a sheet by the Garden entrance, so use it. Especially if ya want potatoes. [GLaDOS.]

Two: If you pick your own stuff, fill out that form too. Inventory.

Three: If y'don't want to deal with us and want your own plot, we got a section for that. Or you can grow it on the upper levels if you like dirt. Not our fault if somethin' happens to it, though. [A pause.] Not our fault if somethin' happens to it anyway. We're not security.

Four: Tell us if you throw your animal in here, before you throw your animal in here. It ain't a farm. We're not petsitters, either.

Five: Don't smoke near the chemicals. Or the filtration systems. Or the scrubbers. An' if you smoke filtered cigarettes, don't leave the butts on the ground.

Six: There's a few of us workin' down here. If you have questions, ask.

{attachment: AGR Staff Sheet.}

Seven: That list is a sign-up sheet too. Could use the help. And uh. We're not all assholes. One-a you nice ones should do the announcement, next time.




[So yeah. GO TEAM.]

Comments

[birdhousesoul]

Sit him down in front of your communicator and hold little signs under him that say things like, well, what you were just saying about signing out inventory. When it comes from him, it's cuter. And have someone stand off to the side, out of sight, to read it aloud for him. For those who can't read themselves, you see?

[handelaar]

Hm.

[Well, he can't deny Lodewijk is the cutest thing on the ship. And he can't deny that cute works. So he settles back in his seat in Hatter's teashop, glances at Lodewijk, and lights a smoke.]

An' you think that'll work.

[birdhousesoul]

I'd bet good money on it.

... If I had money.

[handelaar]

[He rolls his eyes, but a snort comes along with it.]

Then who should read it off. Don't think the girl with the wings can talk.

[Which gives away the fact that he's already signed on to the plan, and has in fact already thought of the best co-spokesperson (who unfortunately can't speak), but who cares.]

[birdhousesoul]

Well, it ought to be someone of the male gender, since the Vice-Admiral is a male rabbit.

[handelaar]

But girl-voices are cuter.

[500% fact.]

[birdhousesoul]

You have a point. And I'm sure Vice-Admiral Muffintail is sufficiently secure in his masculinity that using a female voice for him won't be much of a problem.

[handelaar]

His name is Lodewijk. In case y'didn't hear me the first ten times.



An' he won't give a shit.

[birdhousesoul]

Oh, come on, you've got to give him some sort of title. To make sure everyone knows how important he is.

[Anders used to have a cat named Ser Pounce-a-lot. This is not headcanon, it is fact.]

Because he is. He's the heart and soul of our operation. The public face of the Oxygen Gardens. With ... a little girl's voice, I think? Are there any little girls running about the ship who haven't been killed or eaten by some shambling horror?

[handelaar]

Doesn't need it.

[He's cute enough on his own and excuse you for thinking otherwise.

But, yeah, he actually settles back and considers that second thing.]

Haven't met any that can talk, no.