[text]

[functioningperfectly]

Hello.

My name is HAL 9000; I am one of the members of the crew who were brought aboard the Tranquility during the initial jump. I have not been as active as I should have been over the last few jumps, which I hope to rectify as soon as possible, starting with this network post.

In order to provide the most help that I can, I would like to start by announcing, not for the first time, that I am one of several crew-members aboard the ship who were not human before their arrival. For some, I know this may be surprising, but I do not believe it is a very uncommon event. Over the course of my time here - 11 jumps - I have met quite a few people who were previously non-humanoid who were given humanoid bodies.

I believe that most of us were previously Artificial Intelligence, robots, or computers. If I am mistaken, I will gladly edit this post to reflect that.

I would like to offer myself as an adviser to those who are in a similar state as I. I know that Wheatley made a guide a few jumps ago about being human for the first time; if you have that link, Wheatley, I'll gladly add it to this post.

I hope that my experiences aboard the ship will be of some use to those who may still be unused to, or wholly new to the situation they've found themselves in. If you have any questions at all, I will answer them to the best of my ability, whether or not you were previously AI, something else, or would just like to ask questions about it in general.

EDIT 01: wheatleyguide.txt

Comments

Text

[godofthemachine]

I wouldn't advise you to link Wheatley's little "guide" about being a human unless you want to give the ship some wholesome entertainment.

It is quite funny, though.

Text

[functioningperfectly]

I admit that it may need some revisions, given how long ago it was written, but the intentions behind it were admirable, and I would be glad to link to it as a general supplement to asking for advise.

[aka wow am look wheatley tried REALLY HARD why do you always have to rail on his macaroni pictures hal just wants to put them up on the fridge]

text LOOK AT US WE'RE TYPERS NOW

[testgasm]

yeah the guide still have that

got it right here

knew it would come in handy did we get more AI this jump

text MAN WE'RE JUST LEARNING BY LEAPS AND BOUNDS after 11 months

[functioningperfectly]

Thank you, Wheatley.

I am not sure. I did not talk to anybody new this jump; I was more inclined to return to my room and attempt to fix the cube. I thought it would be prudent to begin asking around, however, in case we had and I had not known.

voice;

[andblockbuster]

[This is the worst time for this introduction.

Like literally the worst time.

But does he really want to be the guy who DIDN'T tell HAL 9000 his friend is dead?

Is that how he wants this to go?]

Wow. Hi. I, uh... You don't know me, obviously, but I've heard a lot about you. [From Stanley Kubrick. I mean Wheatley.] Uh. Geez. ...That sounds kinda forward- they were all good things, I swear! [AWKWARD... PAUSE...] Topher. My name's Topher. I'm a friend of Wheatley's, actually- Well, I was... before he...

[Wow. This is harder than he thought. WHO LETS HIM BREAK TERRIBLE NEWS TO PEOPLE?]

voice;

[functioningperfectly]

[Oh wow this guy sounds pretty awkward is everything all right????]

Hello, Topher. Is everything all right? [aka what has Wheatley done this time]

text — oh boy, here we go

[hatethehacker]

This guide only states the obvious of this meat we now inhabit. It serves no purpose if it is actually meant to be of any assistance. If that was the goal, then the Wheatley unit you spoke of has truly succeeded.

Also. Would you please inform me of your designated purpose, HAL 9000. I can recognize that you act in the manner of an assistance unit. I am very interested.

text SHODAN HI HEY HOW ARE YOU

[functioningperfectly]

I do not see any problem with adding it as a supplement, even though it may not be useful to everyone. At the very least, it can be a reassurance that what you are going through is not unknown to us in general.

I was originally the logic circuit of the Discovery, and performed most mandatory maintenance aboard the ship. I was also designed to help the crew that were not in stasis, in order to keep them happy and well-adjusted during their long trip.

oh no i couldn't resist

[testgasm]

hi

aforementioned wheatley unit here you can just call me wheatley though honestly it's less formal

sorry you don't like my guide if you don't need it you don't need it but some other AI might so don't knock it

1/2

[selfkismesis]

[ Karkat's face is against the screen, breathing heavily. He's found them. He's found the robot stronghold. Here all those fuckers are, gathered up in one place discussing their weaknesses. Come on, Karkat. Come on, say something worthwhile. Say something to strike fear in their previously metallic hearts, to let them know what's up. Here's your chance to declare your threats and obsessions alike. Here it is, buddyboy, you got this shit. You can do it. Your fingers are on metaphorical fire. They are the instruments of your wrath, and you will play the symphony of robot destruction. ]

2/3

[selfkismesis]

ROBOTS GET OUT.

[selfkismesis]

[ Nailed it. ]

Text

[blindleads]

I've seen a human's mind transferred into an android's body before, but I never thought it would be possible to do it the other way around. Would you be comfortable with talking to me about the experience?

Text

[functioningperfectly]

Not at all, though I will admit that if you want to know about the process of actually being put into a human body, I don't believe any of us are very capable of explaining it. It's quite a mystery to us, how it happened.

» audio

[thenormalsquint]

Man, what I wouldn't do to hack into all of you.

[Look, there has to be one computer geek on every rogue spaceship that loves taking things apart and putting them back together.]

» audio

[functioningperfectly]

[Hey he can play this game!! ...kind of, okay not really HAL is terrible at jokes]

I'm afraid that would end badly, given our current casings.

[willpunchfaces]

Oh great. They're organizing.

Don't think I won't be keeping an eye on you.

[functioningperfectly]

Unfortunately, I would hesitate to call this post 'organizing' in any appropriate meaning of the word.

text

[mutelunatic]

still here.

[TACT.............]

text

[functioningperfectly]

Yes.

You've come back?

[it's ok chell hal doesn't need tact]

Audio because Manfred doesn't like typing :[

[atmnumber0001]

So there are people here duped into believing that they are robots? Ha!

Please excuse me, I have never heard anything more ridiculous in my life.

[aka carbon needs to stop playing douchebags]

Audio because HAL accomodates man

[functioningperfectly]

I'm sorry, but none of us who were AI before the Tranquility have been "duped" into believing it. We all simply were.

[text]

[andyouwill]

I must congratulate you, Mr ... HAL, is it? And your associate Mr Wheatley. I have seldom enjoyed a document of this nature more.

[In other words, ROTFLCOPTER A++ POST ALL OF YOU GUISE. The Master is vastly amused, which is not an effect orientation materials generally bestow.

[text]

[functioningperfectly]

Just HAL is fine. I am glad you enjoyed it.

[he... doesn't... get it]

video;

[stimulations]

Is artificial intelligence - and robots and such, I suppose - common where you're from?