ataraxion | [text]

Hello.

My name is HAL 9000; I am one of the members of the crew who were brought aboard the Tranquility during the initial jump. I have not been as active as I should have been over the last few jumps, which I hope to rectify as soon as possible, starting with this network post.

In order to provide the most help that I can, I would like to start by announcing, not for the first time, that I am one of several crew-members aboard the ship who were not human before their arrival. For some, I know this may be surprising, but I do not believe it is a very uncommon event. Over the course of my time here - 11 jumps - I have met quite a few people who were previously non-humanoid who were given humanoid bodies.

I believe that most of us were previously Artificial Intelligence, robots, or computers. If I am mistaken, I will gladly edit this post to reflect that.

I would like to offer myself as an adviser to those who are in a similar state as I. I know that Wheatley made a guide a few jumps ago about being human for the first time; if you have that link, Wheatley, I'll gladly add it to this post.

I hope that my experiences aboard the ship will be of some use to those who may still be unused to, or wholly new to the situation they've found themselves in. If you have any questions at all, I will answer them to the best of my ability, whether or not you were previously AI, something else, or would just like to ask questions about it in general.

EDIT 01: wheatleyguide.txt

Threaded | Top-Level Comments Only

I wouldn't advise you to link Wheatley's little "guide" about being a human unless you want to give the ship some wholesome entertainment.

It is quite funny, though.

yeah the guide still have that

got it right here

knew it would come in handy did we get more AI this jump

I admit that it may need some revisions, given how long ago it was written, but the intentions behind it were admirable, and I would be glad to link to it as a general supplement to asking for advise.

[aka wow am look wheatley tried REALLY HARD why do you always have to rail on his macaroni pictures hal just wants to put them up on the fridge]

Well yes, I suppose it's a cute attempt at sounding smart given its source.

But I really don't think anyone on this ship needs to be taking advice from the Intelligence Dampening Sphere.

[yeah well am crushes everyone's macaroni pictures okay!!!!! also he hates wheatley now instead of just thinking he's an adorable little idiot.]

Thank you, Wheatley.

I am not sure. I did not talk to anybody new this jump; I was more inclined to return to my room and attempt to fix the cube. I thought it would be prudent to begin asking around, however, in case we had and I had not known.

That's rather uncalled for, AM.

I just reread it, and all of the information seems pertinent, so I am adding the reference to this post.

[well HAL LIKES WHEATLEY OKAY]

what

Whether or not that's your real name, it certainly suits you.

it's not

who told you it was I bet it was her

My dear HAL, I'm just stating the facts.

Post it if you want, I won't stop you. Just know that you look like a fool endorsing such a thing.

I thought you were smarter than that.

[glados help am defend his position!!!!!]

Given the sources, I'd trust "her" information over yours, Intelligence Dampening Sphere.

I understand your position, AM, but I believe that informing new humans about things such as breathing, eating and sleeping in a concise bullet-point format is useful. This way, those who may not want to speak up about their situation will at least have some guidelines to start with. It was rather difficult for Wheatley and I to learn all of this as we went, with only a little help from humans.

talked to a few people no AI though

found a bloke who might have been a robot but if he is a robot he's human-shaped so good for him I suppose

how is the cube

okay well newsflash

she lies

about everything

everything all the time it's what she does it's sort of a thing for her and if you think you know her there's a laugh

you don't know her

my name's wheatley

Perhaps your real name is Wheatley.

I prefer the other name, though.

Well, even then, it may not be common for him to be surrounded by humans. Some robots are probably unused to it, at least.

It's fine.

[how much you wanna bet he stares at it every day willing it to fix itself]

On the contrary.

Your name IS the Intelligence Dampening Sphere. It's what you are, after all.

[This is the worst time for this introduction.

Like literally the worst time.

But does he really want to be the guy who DIDN'T tell HAL 9000 his friend is dead?

Is that how he wants this to go?]

Wow. Hi. I, uh... You don't know me, obviously, but I've heard a lot about you. [From Stanley Kubrick. I mean Wheatley.] Uh. Geez. ...That sounds kinda forward- they were all good things, I swear! [AWKWARD... PAUSE...] Topher. My name's Topher. I'm a friend of Wheatley's, actually- Well, I was... before he...

[Wow. This is harder than he thought. WHO LETS HIM BREAK TERRIBLE NEWS TO PEOPLE?]

It's basic biology, HAL. Didn't you say you worked with humans, or astronauts of some sort? I'd think that if you were assigned such a task, you would have been programmed with such information.

[Oh wow this guy sounds pretty awkward is everything all right????]

Hello, Topher. Is everything all right? [aka what has Wheatley done this time]

I was. However, understanding something academically and physically experiencing it for the first time can be very different. When we first arrived, though breathing obviously came naturally, it was very difficult for me to keep my mind on track and not forget about basic needs, such as eating or sleeping.

I know that it probably was not very difficult for you, but we were thrown into this without anyone knowing that such a thing was possible. I do not mean to make it sound as though it was much easier for you, because it most definitely was not, but we were at more of a disadvantage than you.

[check your privilege]

Edited 2012-10-11 06:48 (UTC)

Intentions mean little when the advice it put forth my a moron.

trust me mate he had a sword I think he'll be all right

[I bet one million dollars]

oh good

good to hear

so does that mean progress

[I'M TOTALLY FINE.]

Uh... For the most part, yeah. [THIS WAS THE WORST IDEA EVER. MUST PRESENT MYSELF AS AMICABLE AND FRIENDLY BEFORE BESTOWING TERRIBLE NEWS.] Is everything... good with you?

[I'M NOT PAYING ATTENTION AT ALL TO THE ANGRY TEXTING GOING ON ABOVE THIS CONVERSATION. WHO CARES ABOUT ANY OF THAT. GOD I HATE MY LIFE.]

lady we've been over this how many times

practically a billion times and you're still wrong

shut up

find a hobby

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we deserve medals

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all of them

ALLOW ME TO THREADJACK

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