ataraxion | 001 [VIDEO]

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001 [VIDEO]

[GREETINGS, NETWORK. Some loser's got his coke-bottle lenses way too close to the camera. Back up, bro, you're fogging the screen, and that is gross.

Turns out he's just trying to make the device stay upright. After a few moments, success! Wheatley (who looks extremely nervous) takes a step away, hovering over the communicator as if he expects it to fall, like it did the past seventeen times.

He is not wearing any clothes.]

Hello! If anyone is there and I'm not just--not just talking to this little black box, which, by the way, could stand to be a little clearer in the "what does this button do" department...

Not that I had any trouble figuring it out. Fiddled around for a bit, and boom, there we go, video feed on. Not a problem. But, you know. Instructions. Just in case anyone's a little...technologically impaired. Couldn't hurt.

[Wait. Where was he?]

Right! Uh…show of hands, if you would, seeing as we've all got hands now. Who's an AI? That's Artificial Intelligence for the aforementioned technologically impaired. Robots count too, I am also a robot.

And--and I know what you humans are thinking; Wheatley, you're not a robot, you're squishy and inefficient just like the rest of us but that, humans, is where you're wrong. One hundred percent robot, right here, just as soon as I get my body back.

Point is, if you see someone in an orange jumpsuit or...or a lab coat, maybe hear them talking about Science or Apertures, or some combination of the two…go ahead and let them know that Wheatley's looking for them and also that...it is important.

[A small pause as he fidgets, suddenly looking that much more uncomfortable.]

Actually. Don't tell them that. Tell me, instead! If--if you meet anyone with that description and. I will go. Find them.

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It's up to you, mate. Whatever's...convenient. I'll be here.

[Help I can only walk maybe 45% of the time.]

Of course. I'll be there shortly. Try to remain calm.

[As if Wheatley seems to be freaking out - which he doesn't. But it's HAL's general reaction to anything vaguely upsetting, so... I guess he's going to find Wheatley and help him zip up his pants.]

Yep! Totally calm. All calm, over here.

[HOW MANY COMPUTERS DOES IT TAKE TO ZIP UP A JUMPSUIT...]

I assumed so; you don't seem to be panicking.

[One to figure them out and one to complain about how it's obviously malfunctioning, clearly.

SOMEBODY'S AT YOUR DOOR like five minutes later Wheatley - WHAT WILL YOU DO. What will you do.]

[He's panicking on the inside.

OKAY. OKAY DOOR. He can do this. He can just...sliiiiiide along the wall so as not to fall over and very carefully make his way to the entrance.

smooth.]

Oh, good! You made it.

[HAL doesn't seem perturbed or at all put off by Wheatley's state of undress, or his interesting way of coming to get the door, or anything, really. He's too busy being pleased about being useful to someone.]

It wasn't as hard as I had expected. I've made every effort to keep a detailed record of any locations I might go. It makes things like this easier.

[He doesn't really ask if he can come inside; it seems pointless, considering that the point of him being here is so that he can help Wheatley, and he doubts he can do that from standing in the doorway.] Are you having a lot of trouble with your legs?

Yeah, I can...I can imagine it would. Do you, um. Do you still have your memory banks, or something? Databases?

[Guess who is going to be totally jealous if you do. Guess who is HOPELESSLY LOST.

Right, legs, haha. He sort of halfheartedly looks down at them, still leaning against the wall.]

Getting the hang of it, I think. Possibly.

[HAL isn't sure he can handle it, but he moves closer to Wheatley anyway.] If you'd like, you can hold on to me for support. We'll sort this all out, and I'm sure things will go smoothly once we address some of your basic problems.

But no, to answer your question. I have my memory, obviously, and I do have some basic information that was programmed into me about humans, but otherwise, I think I'm a blank slate. Or, close to one. I think... I am just naturally good with direction.

[Wheatley still isn't sure about this whole touching thing, yet, and pushes himself off the wall so he is at least in a fully standing position.]

Right. Silly of me to think that, really. Going absolutely bonkers without my reference programming.

[His eyes travel to the crumpled jumpsuit on the floor.]

So! Clothes.

I think I understand the sentiment. [HAL has been trying not to think about the whole "not actually being a computer" thing as much as possible. It's hard, but so far, it's been helping.] It helps to think of the human brain as a sort of processor, I've found.

[He looks to the jumpsuit and smiles benignly.] Of course, yes. It helps if you sit down on the bed, or on a chair. The method of putting on clothing generally requires a great deal of balance, and unfortunately, neither of us are well-equipped enough to handle that, I think. I've seen humans put on jumpsuits before, you know. It always seemed easy, but I never considered all of the variables.

[He scoffs at that. A squishy, inefficient, painfully slow processor, maybe.]

Is that how you did it, then?

[Because secretly he is mystified, HAL.]

In the locker bay, I sat on the floor, but yes. It was much easier than attempting to balance on one foot. [He goes to pick up the jumpsuit, balancing on his toes and putting a free hand to the ground as he kneels. He really doesn't want to fall right on his face after espousing all about how these bodies Aren't That Bad, after all. That would kind of ruin the entire... thing he's doing here.

Not that he realizes he's doing anything other than being helpful. Dumb, psychologically unaware HAL.]

Let's try it and see if it helps you.

[SITTING ON THE FLOOR. OF COURSE. He'll just sort of...casually meander over to HAL and sit down, reaching out to take the jumpsuit.]

Oookay then. Here we go.

[PAUSE. He is staring at it like it might come to life and attack him.]

I can't...I can't do it if you're watching.

Edited 2011-12-14 22:25 (UTC)

[HAL blinks.]

Oh. Of course. [And he turns to face the wall because hey, if that's what his pal wants...]

[Wait. Wait he's got this. Just...foot into one of the holes, and pull. BRILLIANT. PERFECT.]

Ha! Knew I could do it. Hacked.

[Wheatley that's a sleeve...]

[HAL assumes that the pleased tone means that he can turn around again, so he does.

...]

Er.

[He has never been so unsure on how to tell someone they're doing something wrong before. Probably because he never actually had to, before...]

[BLINK BLINK.]

What?

...If I may, you seem to be putting it on upside-down. Or, at least - [He points,] - that would be where your arm goes.

[GOD DAMN IT.]

Right. Obviously.

[Just...just turning it around now.]

[Time to be positive!!!]

You have the concept down, however, so it shouldn't be difficult from here on.

[THANKS HAL.]

Okay, so. Turn it around, and zipper in front?

Exactly right. [He gestures to his own, mostly-unzipped suit.] Hopefully, you'll have better luck with the zipper. Mine seems to be broken.

[Having successfully shoved one of his legs into the proper location he furrows his brow at the zipper.]

Couldn't quite figure it out, before. Fingers get in the way.

They do require a lot of concentration to be useful for smaller jobs, I agree.

Same issue with the, uh. Shoes. Not terribly fond of those, either. Have you managed them?

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