001 [VIDEO]
[GREETINGS, NETWORK. Some loser's got his coke-bottle lenses way too close to the camera. Back up, bro, you're fogging the screen, and that is gross.
Turns out he's just trying to make the device stay upright. After a few moments, success! Wheatley (who looks extremely nervous) takes a step away, hovering over the communicator as if he expects it to fall, like it did the past seventeen times.
He is not wearing any clothes.]
Hello! If anyone is there and I'm not just--not just talking to this little black box, which, by the way, could stand to be a little clearer in the "what does this button do" department...
Not that I had any trouble figuring it out. Fiddled around for a bit, and boom, there we go, video feed on. Not a problem. But, you know. Instructions. Just in case anyone's a little...technologically impaired. Couldn't hurt.
[Wait. Where was he?]
Right! Uh…show of hands, if you would, seeing as we've all got hands now. Who's an AI? That's Artificial Intelligence for the aforementioned technologically impaired. Robots count too, I am also a robot.
And--and I know what you humans are thinking; Wheatley, you're not a robot, you're squishy and inefficient just like the rest of us but that, humans, is where you're wrong. One hundred percent robot, right here, just as soon as I get my body back.
Point is, if you see someone in an orange jumpsuit or...or a lab coat, maybe hear them talking about Science or Apertures, or some combination of the two…go ahead and let them know that Wheatley's looking for them and also that...it is important.
[A small pause as he fidgets, suddenly looking that much more uncomfortable.]
Actually. Don't tell them that. Tell me, instead! If--if you meet anyone with that description and. I will go. Find them.
Turns out he's just trying to make the device stay upright. After a few moments, success! Wheatley (who looks extremely nervous) takes a step away, hovering over the communicator as if he expects it to fall, like it did the past seventeen times.
He is not wearing any clothes.]
Hello! If anyone is there and I'm not just--not just talking to this little black box, which, by the way, could stand to be a little clearer in the "what does this button do" department...
Not that I had any trouble figuring it out. Fiddled around for a bit, and boom, there we go, video feed on. Not a problem. But, you know. Instructions. Just in case anyone's a little...technologically impaired. Couldn't hurt.
[Wait. Where was he?]
Right! Uh…show of hands, if you would, seeing as we've all got hands now. Who's an AI? That's Artificial Intelligence for the aforementioned technologically impaired. Robots count too, I am also a robot.
And--and I know what you humans are thinking; Wheatley, you're not a robot, you're squishy and inefficient just like the rest of us but that, humans, is where you're wrong. One hundred percent robot, right here, just as soon as I get my body back.
Point is, if you see someone in an orange jumpsuit or...or a lab coat, maybe hear them talking about Science or Apertures, or some combination of the two…go ahead and let them know that Wheatley's looking for them and also that...it is important.
[A small pause as he fidgets, suddenly looking that much more uncomfortable.]
Actually. Don't tell them that. Tell me, instead! If--if you meet anyone with that description and. I will go. Find them.
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[HAHA oh. Right. The whole not being a robot thing. He sort of halfheartedly looks down at himself.]
Actually, I, uh. I did want to talk to you about that, Mr. Johnson. May I call you Mr. Johnson?
Okay I got it now I promise.
Sure thing, but put some pants on first. If you're going to wear your birthday suit you need to do it with confidence and style. [A naked kind of style.] There's lady types around here.
Or do it if gratuitous nudity is what you were originally programed for.
what did you even
[In that he tried really hard but is apparently physically incapable of wearing clothes right.]
I wasn't actually programmed for gratuitous nudity, though.
I DON'T KNOW.
Look, there's days I don't want to wear pants either. And I don't! Because I'm the boss and I write the paychecks that funded your very existence. But as far as I can tell, you are currently a human, possibly an ex-psychiatric patient, who either thinks they are a robot or was actually once a robot and is now a human, possibly an ex-psychiatric patient.
If you weren't programmed for nudity, put some damn pants on.
[THINK OF IT AS A TEST, WHEATLEY. A TEST YOU NEED TO SOLVE.]
MY INBOX DEAR GOD
I am a robot, though.
[SHUT UP CAVE I DO WHAT I WANT.]
The point is, actually, now that you're here, maybe you could help me...do something. About the whole not being a robot thing.
FIGMENT OF YOUR IMAGINATION.
[Smiles are a little short-lived, however.]
There is the obstacle of not having Aperture here at the ready, however. If I have to rebuild the entire facility from the ground up, so help me I will.
And by that I mean you'll be helping me.
THAT FIGMENT WAS ALL UP IN MY EMAIL YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED
Exactly! Would like that very much, in fact.
[WHAT WAIT he's gonna have to work for it, maaaaaan]
Oh, uh. Of course. Absolutely. Yes Sir, Mr. Johnson.
IT JUST MEANS I LOVE YOU THAT MANY EMAILS MUCH ;_;
Pants are your first assignment.
OH BABY...
Pants. Yes. I'll get right on that.
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Then we're going to go exploring. We'll be real pioneers, you and I! With any luck we'll get to leave our foot prints and dander on some barren, untouched moon rock when we find it. Not that I didn't do that already, but we wouldn't have to grind up the rocks afterwards.
This place is massive, and probably dangerous too. I'm gettin' goosebumps just thinking about it. You done with those pants yet?
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[PANTS, RIGHT, YES. He springs up to retrieve the crumpled jumpsuit that's behind him, stumbles, overbalances, and then keels over in all his mostly-naked glory with a resounding THUMP.]
Jus--Just a minute.
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OKAY HANG ON. HANG ON HE'S GOT THIS.
Cave you get to watch the incredible saga of Wheatley Trying to Use his Legs, the Magnum Opus.
You get to watch it live.]
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Do you. Need. Assistance? Or a new pair of legs?
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What I would like...
is a management rail.
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I don't want to talk about dangly bits.
[HE HATES THEM.]
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Actually, that's not a bad idea; everyone loves kittens. Are you taking notes?
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I'm trying to stand, Mr. Johnson. And--and I would certainly take notes if...if I could write. Which I can't.
[He sort of wiggles his fingers to emphasize this, but does not realize they are his only hold on the bureau. DOWN HE GOES. AGAIN.]
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Did you get your pants on yet?
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Cave please
AND THEN...FROM THE FLOOR...]
No!
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[SWITCHING FEED OFF.]
[...wait no he's back like 10 seconds later.]
Once you get that taken care of I need you to get me a new bottle of pain pills. Caroline always put them in those little pill organizer boxes with the days of the week on them--you know what I'm talking about?
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[Ten seconds later he is still on the floor, trying to push himself up on his hands and knees, with only marginal success.]
Wh--pain pills? What kind?
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Do they have a name?
[By the way this is still from the floor.]
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