testgasm: <lj site="livejournal.com" user="relicfragments"> (excuse me what is a libido)
WHEATLEY ([personal profile] testgasm) wrote in [community profile] ataraxion2011-12-09 04:10 pm

001 [VIDEO]

[GREETINGS, NETWORK. Some loser's got his coke-bottle lenses way too close to the camera. Back up, bro, you're fogging the screen, and that is gross.

Turns out he's just trying to make the device stay upright. After a few moments, success! Wheatley (who looks extremely nervous) takes a step away, hovering over the communicator as if he expects it to fall, like it did the past seventeen times.

He is not wearing any clothes.
]

Hello! If anyone is there and I'm not just--not just talking to this little black box, which, by the way, could stand to be a little clearer in the "what does this button do" department...

Not that I had any trouble figuring it out. Fiddled around for a bit, and boom, there we go, video feed on. Not a problem. But, you know. Instructions. Just in case anyone's a little...technologically impaired. Couldn't hurt.

[Wait. Where was he?]

Right! Uh…show of hands, if you would, seeing as we've all got hands now. Who's an AI? That's Artificial Intelligence for the aforementioned technologically impaired. Robots count too, I am also a robot.

And--and I know what you humans are thinking; Wheatley, you're not a robot, you're squishy and inefficient just like the rest of us but that, humans, is where you're wrong. One hundred percent robot, right here, just as soon as I get my body back.

Point is, if you see someone in an orange jumpsuit or...or a lab coat, maybe hear them talking about Science or Apertures, or some combination of the two…go ahead and let them know that Wheatley's looking for them and also that...it is important.

[A small pause as he fidgets, suddenly looking that much more uncomfortable.]

Actually. Don't tell them that. Tell me, instead! If--if you meet anyone with that description and. I will go. Find them.

Okay I got it now I promise.

[identity profile] thats-asbestos.livejournal.com 2011-12-10 06:57 pm (UTC)(link)
[There is a fine line between flattery and butt kissing. Cave is not sure he knows the difference but he knows the line okay don't cross it Wheatnam.]

Sure thing, but put some pants on first. If you're going to wear your birthday suit you need to do it with confidence and style. [A naked kind of style.] There's lady types around here.

Or do it if gratuitous nudity is what you were originally programed for.

I DON'T KNOW.

[identity profile] thats-asbestos.livejournal.com 2011-12-11 02:16 am (UTC)(link)
[QUESTIONING THE THINGS YOU SAY.]

Look, there's days I don't want to wear pants either. And I don't! Because I'm the boss and I write the paychecks that funded your very existence. But as far as I can tell, you are currently a human, possibly an ex-psychiatric patient, who either thinks they are a robot or was actually once a robot and is now a human, possibly an ex-psychiatric patient.

If you weren't programmed for nudity, put some damn pants on.

[THINK OF IT AS A TEST, WHEATLEY. A TEST YOU NEED TO SOLVE.]

FIGMENT OF YOUR IMAGINATION.

[identity profile] thats-asbestos.livejournal.com 2011-12-11 06:04 am (UTC)(link)
You want to go back to being a robot? [CAVE IS ALL SMILES.] Sure. That's nothing a little science and testing couldn't fix.

[Smiles are a little short-lived, however.]

There is the obstacle of not having Aperture here at the ready, however. If I have to rebuild the entire facility from the ground up, so help me I will.

And by that I mean you'll be helping me.

IT JUST MEANS I LOVE YOU THAT MANY EMAILS MUCH ;_;

[identity profile] thats-asbestos.livejournal.com 2011-12-11 06:22 am (UTC)(link)
Great. Welcome to Aperture. [...GUY. Wheatius. Whealiam. Willburg.]

Pants are your first assignment.

[identity profile] thats-asbestos.livejournal.com 2011-12-11 07:10 am (UTC)(link)
[Greg.]

Then we're going to go exploring. We'll be real pioneers, you and I! With any luck we'll get to leave our foot prints and dander on some barren, untouched moon rock when we find it. Not that I didn't do that already, but we wouldn't have to grind up the rocks afterwards.

This place is massive, and probably dangerous too. I'm gettin' goosebumps just thinking about it. You done with those pants yet?

[identity profile] thats-asbestos.livejournal.com 2011-12-11 11:41 pm (UTC)(link)
[THIS IS MORE ENTERTAINING THAN TRYING TO WATCH A MANTIS MAN BRUSH HIS TEETH.]

Do you. Need. Assistance? Or a new pair of legs?

[identity profile] thats-asbestos.livejournal.com 2011-12-12 12:22 am (UTC)(link)
Don't think a management rail is going to get along too well with all your human dangly bits, but I'll see what we can do.

[identity profile] thats-asbestos.livejournal.com 2011-12-12 12:59 am (UTC)(link)
Tough luck, you've got them and you'd better take care of them until we can get you back into some cold, unfeeling metal. You know how it goes--no pain, no gain. Science without a little pain is like making a gun that doesn't fire deadly bullets. We'd have guns that fire fluffy kittens and rainbows instead!

Actually, that's not a bad idea; everyone loves kittens. Are you taking notes?

[identity profile] thats-asbestos.livejournal.com 2011-12-12 01:24 am (UTC)(link)
Details. We can worry about those details later.

Did you get your pants on yet?

[identity profile] thats-asbestos.livejournal.com 2011-12-12 02:30 am (UTC)(link)
Call me back when you do.

[SWITCHING FEED OFF.]





[...wait no he's back like 10 seconds later.]


Once you get that taken care of I need you to get me a new bottle of pain pills. Caroline always put them in those little pill organizer boxes with the days of the week on them--you know what I'm talking about?

[identity profile] thats-asbestos.livejournal.com 2011-12-12 04:48 am (UTC)(link)
The little white ones--ones you take orally.