001 [VIDEO]

[testgasm]

[GREETINGS, NETWORK. Some loser's got his coke-bottle lenses way too close to the camera. Back up, bro, you're fogging the screen, and that is gross.

Turns out he's just trying to make the device stay upright. After a few moments, success! Wheatley (who looks extremely nervous) takes a step away, hovering over the communicator as if he expects it to fall, like it did the past seventeen times.

He is not wearing any clothes.]

Hello! If anyone is there and I'm not just--not just talking to this little black box, which, by the way, could stand to be a little clearer in the "what does this button do" department...

Not that I had any trouble figuring it out. Fiddled around for a bit, and boom, there we go, video feed on. Not a problem. But, you know. Instructions. Just in case anyone's a little...technologically impaired. Couldn't hurt.

[Wait. Where was he?]

Right! Uh…show of hands, if you would, seeing as we've all got hands now. Who's an AI? That's Artificial Intelligence for the aforementioned technologically impaired. Robots count too, I am also a robot.

And--and I know what you humans are thinking; Wheatley, you're not a robot, you're squishy and inefficient just like the rest of us but that, humans, is where you're wrong. One hundred percent robot, right here, just as soon as I get my body back.

Point is, if you see someone in an orange jumpsuit or...or a lab coat, maybe hear them talking about Science or Apertures, or some combination of the two…go ahead and let them know that Wheatley's looking for them and also that...it is important.

[A small pause as he fidgets, suddenly looking that much more uncomfortable.]

Actually. Don't tell them that. Tell me, instead! If--if you meet anyone with that description and. I will go. Find them.

Comments

[testgasm]

Oh, yeah. You know, a lot of trial and error, but hey, they got there. Fully functional, self-aware computers. Top of the line, I am.

Doing all right, I suppose. Considering. Doesn't mean I actually like it...

[Spoilers: he is freaking out and weeping hysterically on the inside and also he can't figure out how to wear clothes]

[babbletechno.livejournal.com]

Yeah, clothes are a bit...odd, but humans don't like it when you aren't covered. [noticing that you're naked, Wheatley, but still thinking that you are competent.]

[testgasm]

Useless, that's what they are. Completely pointless.

I've got the little pair of trousers on, the ones I woke up in. Covers up the offensive bits. Acceptable, I'd imagine.

[babbletechno.livejournal.com]

I don't know, they help a little with the sensitivity to temperature change. The increased tactile senses do have downfalls.

If you're comfortable in that, I don't see the problem. I'm not well-versed in human culture, however. You'd probably know better than me. [Having been created by them and all.]

[testgasm]

Yes, well, those can be bridges to cross when we get to them. Haven't had anyone object yet, so...

[Wheatley stop trying to pretend like you're naked of your own volition.]

[babbletechno.livejournal.com]

If you do end up having to put on more clothes, you should probably know that humans are very flexible. I always knew it from an outside perspective, but didn't really get it until - well, now. It can be disconcerting to feel

[because seriously limbs should not bend that way]

[also, Wheatley, you're screwing with Heatwave's already shaky understanding of human culture. BRAVO.]

[testgasm]

[No don't tell him that he's going to break something.]

I'll keep that in mind. In the event I...get cold. Or something.

[HA HA oops.]

[babbletechno.livejournal.com]

[OOPS]

You might. Humans are sensitive and I really don't think you want a virus.

If I learn anything that might not be immediately obvious about human physiology, I'll let you know, okay? You could verify or check the information if you already know it.

[testgasm]

[VIRUSES. He knows what those are, even if he's probably not thinking of the right kind.]

Definitely...definitely going to avoid that, yes. Aaaand...likewise. If I've found some new and interesting way for the human body to leak, you will be the first to know.

[Doesn't that make you feel special?]

[babbletechno.livejournal.com]

I'll be seeing you then.

[yaaay friendly people!]