001 [VIDEO]

[testgasm]

[GREETINGS, NETWORK. Some loser's got his coke-bottle lenses way too close to the camera. Back up, bro, you're fogging the screen, and that is gross.

Turns out he's just trying to make the device stay upright. After a few moments, success! Wheatley (who looks extremely nervous) takes a step away, hovering over the communicator as if he expects it to fall, like it did the past seventeen times.

He is not wearing any clothes.]

Hello! If anyone is there and I'm not just--not just talking to this little black box, which, by the way, could stand to be a little clearer in the "what does this button do" department...

Not that I had any trouble figuring it out. Fiddled around for a bit, and boom, there we go, video feed on. Not a problem. But, you know. Instructions. Just in case anyone's a little...technologically impaired. Couldn't hurt.

[Wait. Where was he?]

Right! Uh…show of hands, if you would, seeing as we've all got hands now. Who's an AI? That's Artificial Intelligence for the aforementioned technologically impaired. Robots count too, I am also a robot.

And--and I know what you humans are thinking; Wheatley, you're not a robot, you're squishy and inefficient just like the rest of us but that, humans, is where you're wrong. One hundred percent robot, right here, just as soon as I get my body back.

Point is, if you see someone in an orange jumpsuit or...or a lab coat, maybe hear them talking about Science or Apertures, or some combination of the two…go ahead and let them know that Wheatley's looking for them and also that...it is important.

[A small pause as he fidgets, suddenly looking that much more uncomfortable.]

Actually. Don't tell them that. Tell me, instead! If--if you meet anyone with that description and. I will go. Find them.

Comments

[statsraaden]

I might fit what you're looking for. I'm a tall ship, and there's a chance my species might be artificial.

[testgasm]

What, like...like a yacht, or something? Like a...an actual boat?

That's ridiculous, mate.

[Rude, Wheatley.]

[statsraaden]

Yes, I was. A three-masted barque, to be more precise.

[testgasm]

A three-masted...right. Okay. That's...

Are you sure you're a boat?

[statsraaden]

I've been a ship for 97 years, so of course I'm sure of that. I would be the one who knows best, right?

[testgasm]

No, no, not going to argue with you there. You just...keep on being a boat. Won't stop you.

[statsraaden]

Well, it's not like I can do anything about it.

[testgasm]

Guess we can't. Bit unfortunate, really. Must be hard, without your, um. Sails.

[statsraaden]

Oh, I found a substitute, but it's true I do miss sailing.
Especially as there aren't any storms here, it would seem. [STORMS MEANS GOING FAST. STATS LIKES GOING FAST.]

[testgasm]

Sooo...did humans build you, or something?

[statsraaden]

No. I was born. In fact, there's a whole species of us where I'm from.

[testgasm]

[This is the most HORRIFIED EXPRESSION YOU EVER DID SEE]

You were born.

How, exactly, does one birth a ship!?

[statsraaden]

Oh, it's simple. We send seeds, and our children grow from them.
I have two sons.

[testgasm]

That's not simple. That's...insane.

[statsraaden]

Well, it's either that or we would have gone extinct.

[testgasm]

Oh, right. Of course. Silly of me for not thinking of that.

[statsraaden]

Well, you can't have everything in mind, especially now with all that's happened to us.

[testgasm]

True enough.