ataraxion | 004 [AUDIO --> VIDEO]

[Oh wow it's an audio post let's just OH GOD who is shouting into their communicator why would you do that.]

GREETINGS, TRANQUILITY. MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE.

[Does he have your attention? Good. The post switches from audio to video and HEY LOOK it's that ginger robot guy aren't you excited.]

Haha, kidding. I'm kidding.

Except, no, not really. I'm not. Do actually want your attention--I have some important things to say, so. Revise that. Just kidding about the shouting; I'm not going to shout any more. Listening on your part, however, is still highly recommended. Seriously, you're going to want in on this, because it regards something this ship decidedly lacks. I mean, it's all well and good if you want to run around playing unofficially official self-appointed who-died-and-made-you-king fake-y pretend captain and friends, but where does that get us in the end?

I am, of course, referring to the delicate art of cultural relations. Seems we've already had a bit of a mishap, there, with the bloke who tried to eat people. All of that could have been avoided with a little communication! Some--some understanding. We've got a lot of different…species…and customs…and…ideals…floating about…we're going to have disagreements. People are going to get eaten, apparently.

But! We can make it slightly less likely for people to get eaten, or murdered, or offended. What we need is someone…or someones, depending, who can successfully navigate these, ...cultural discrepancies. As a representative of the, uh. Fabricated personalities aboard this ship, I understand that we might be confusing to humans and trolls and…vampires. That's okay! Can't expect organics to really grasp what makes us tick, so there are bound to be misunderstandings and--and misconceptions. That's okay too!

Not going to speak for the other non-humans, but I am an AI, and there are quite a few of us, and I have been here the longest--well, HAL and I have been here the longest--so what I can offer is my guidance as an--an ambassador, if you will. Ambassador of Organic-Artificial Relations, working tirelessly to reduce the aforementioned misunderstandings and misconceptions. No need to thank me.

Let's see, uh. Qualifications! Been here the longest, as I've stated, with HAL, of course--HAL, you can be my co-ambassador, if you like. Knowledgeable, obviously. Worked extensively with humans back home. Basically an expert. Did not murder any of them, unlike certain computers who shall not be named. Very diplomatic, me.

Wow, actually? This is such a good idea, I think every group should have a representative. Most of the crew is human, by my estimation, so those of us who aren't need to make sure we've got proper say in how things are run. It'd solve a lot of problems, if you ask me. Clear up a few things along the way. Maybe the troll ambassador can explain to me why I can't have a bucket. Been wondering about that, if I'm honest. I need one.

Second order of business. If any of you esteemed listeners have experience with or--or interest in robotics, let me know. I've got a bit of a personal project that is, ah. Not exactly progressing as quickly as I'd like it to. So inquire within, as it were! If you're interested. Giant blue heads need not apply and can, in fact, bugger right off.

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Did you get my notes? I've been leaving them outside your room but you haven't responded. Hopefully no one's stealing them. That would--that would be unfortunate, though I'd imagine it's a…distinct possibility.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[That isn't even what he - aslfkj he's snatching a cigarette and lighting that baby up. Right. Calm, rational diplomacy and shit.]

And - [Puff, followed by a brow arch.] - you think they'll take it well. That you elected yourself.

Mmm...yes. Well. There is one who'll object, but She's a crazy murderer anyway, and nobody wants those in charge.

...

You're prob'ly gonna piss off the batshit rob- AI.

She's properly livid. About everything, all the time. It won't be anything I'm not already used to.

You're gonna be her spokesperson now.

[Whoops he was supposed to be taking this seriously. But robot governments. He just - can't.]

Oh, we go way back, Her and I. This is for the best, trust me.

You're still her spokesperson, ya know.

Yes. And I intend to keep her very best interests at heart.

[not]

Best interests - gonna ignore the part where she wants ta kill people, huh.

It's in her best interests to not kill people. I know how to deal with her, I'll curb her, uh. Murderous tendencies.

Mm. Better not try to cover it up if she does kill someone.

[lol Wheatley he does not think you'll do any curbing. At all. Ever.]

Yeah, not happening. Practically the last thing I'd want.

The killin' or the cleanup?

Both. But in the event--in the event She does kill someone--someone who is hopefully not me--I will not hesitate to turn Her in.

Should be your job to keep her from killin' anyone in the first place. Y'know. As leader, or whatever.

That is--that is the plan, yes.

Yeah? You gonna de-program her or somethin'?

Sssooomething like that.

Oh.

[Well. Color him surprised, vaguely impressed, slightly skeptical, all these things which are pretty obvious with his tone and his blink back.]

No shit. Think it'll work, huh.

Yes. It should. Got a few tricks up my sleeves, after all. Perhaps literally, seeing as I've got sleeves, now.

Wait. Y'mean you're gonna do it.

I...assumed that is what we're talking about, yes. Me...stopping Her from killing people. Permanently.

[I am going to fill a bucket with water and dump it on Her head and hope She short-circuits.]

Edited 2012-03-30 06:04 (UTC)

You organizin' it all is one thing. [You know, Bad.] But you doin' it yourself - you're not an engineer, right. [Could be Very Bad. He is imagining a malfunction where Wheatley builds the best killing machine ever.]

Thought were terrified of her, anyway.

Look, it's--it's not going to be as complicated as you might think. Minimal engineering involved. [I am literally going to fill a bucket with water

and dump it on Her head

that's the plan.]

Terrified? I--She's the one who should be terrified.

Then, uh. Make a backup plan.

[Oh goodie. A wet, murderous cat.

If he knew he would probably be trying to smack the guy through the screen.

Anyway, here, have this totally incredulous look.]

You hid from her.

(no subject)

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