004 [AUDIO --> VIDEO]

[testgasm]

[Oh wow it's an audio post let's just OH GOD who is shouting into their communicator why would you do that.]

GREETINGS, TRANQUILITY. MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE.

[Does he have your attention? Good. The post switches from audio to video and HEY LOOK it's that ginger robot guy aren't you excited.]

Haha, kidding. I'm kidding.

Except, no, not really. I'm not. Do actually want your attention--I have some important things to say, so. Revise that. Just kidding about the shouting; I'm not going to shout any more. Listening on your part, however, is still highly recommended. Seriously, you're going to want in on this, because it regards something this ship decidedly lacks. I mean, it's all well and good if you want to run around playing unofficially official self-appointed who-died-and-made-you-king fake-y pretend captain and friends, but where does that get us in the end?

I am, of course, referring to the delicate art of cultural relations. Seems we've already had a bit of a mishap, there, with the bloke who tried to eat people. All of that could have been avoided with a little communication! Some--some understanding. We've got a lot of different…species…and customs…and…ideals…floating about…we're going to have disagreements. People are going to get eaten, apparently.

But! We can make it slightly less likely for people to get eaten, or murdered, or offended. What we need is someone…or someones, depending, who can successfully navigate these, ...cultural discrepancies. As a representative of the, uh. Fabricated personalities aboard this ship, I understand that we might be confusing to humans and trolls and…vampires. That's okay! Can't expect organics to really grasp what makes us tick, so there are bound to be misunderstandings and--and misconceptions. That's okay too!

Not going to speak for the other non-humans, but I am an AI, and there are quite a few of us, and I have been here the longest--well, HAL and I have been here the longest--so what I can offer is my guidance as an--an ambassador, if you will. Ambassador of Organic-Artificial Relations, working tirelessly to reduce the aforementioned misunderstandings and misconceptions. No need to thank me.

Let's see, uh. Qualifications! Been here the longest, as I've stated, with HAL, of course--HAL, you can be my co-ambassador, if you like. Knowledgeable, obviously. Worked extensively with humans back home. Basically an expert. Did not murder any of them, unlike certain computers who shall not be named. Very diplomatic, me.

Wow, actually? This is such a good idea, I think every group should have a representative. Most of the crew is human, by my estimation, so those of us who aren't need to make sure we've got proper say in how things are run. It'd solve a lot of problems, if you ask me. Clear up a few things along the way. Maybe the troll ambassador can explain to me why I can't have a bucket. Been wondering about that, if I'm honest. I need one.

Second order of business. If any of you esteemed listeners have experience with or--or interest in robotics, let me know. I've got a bit of a personal project that is, ah. Not exactly progressing as quickly as I'd like it to. So inquire within, as it were! If you're interested. Giant blue heads need not apply and can, in fact, bugger right off.

----------
Did you get my notes? I've been leaving them outside your room but you haven't responded. Hopefully no one's stealing them. That would--that would be unfortunate, though I'd imagine it's a…distinct possibility.

Comments

[statsraaden]

[Stats's voice is dripping with sarcasm. He is not impressed.]

Fascinating.

I was starting to forget the differences between us all. Thanks for reminding me. We obviously cannot think of ourselves and each other as just people. [Yes, this is a bit rich from someone who's been attacked by a wraith and who's just seen a vampire coming out, but... well.]

[video]

[testgasm]

It's called being realistic. I mean, if you want to waltz around pretending that every single person on this ship has the same outlook and needs the same things, that's your choice. I certainly don't plan on lumping myself in with the humans anytime soon.

audio;

[sweetmotherofgod]

Okay, when you start making sense I know I've lost it.

[ as introductions go that's pretty rude, but that's just how she rolls. ]

[video]

[testgasm]

Uh, of course I make sense. Why would I not make sense? It's perfectly acceptable to agree with me.

Video

[walksonrooftops]

Artificial? [Asato's been trying to wrap his mind around this for a while, but since he doesn't know where to start, he hasn't been very successful. Which, he supposes, is where Wheatley can help.

He listens to the rest, trying his best not to zone out, and looks away for a moment once the message is finished.]

I don't know if Ribika need a representative. [And if they do, it probably shouldn't be Asato.

[video]

[testgasm]

Yes! Artificial. As in...I was built. Programmed. Do you not...have that, where you're from? Computers?

[you silly robot-less societies]

I suppose if you feel you don't need one, you don't have to have one. Just something to think about. Given the, ah. Circumstances.

voice;

[goingsilent]

So are you proposing regular summit meetings between these cultural ambassadors then? Over sandwiches with no crusts and drinks? [ After a pause, she adds, ] That's a little human joke, for the record.

[video]

[testgasm]

[that is exactly how Wheatley eats sandwiches how did you know Chase cuts the crusts off for him.]

Ooh! There's an idea. Sort of like a council.

[hummerdoc]

[eyebrow]

I know diplomats, and you, sir, are no diplomat.

[testgasm]

Yeah, well, uh. I know doctors, and you, sir, are no doctor.

[Wheatley, do you really know doctors...]

[NO RESPONSE]

[mutelunatic]

[Wheatley.

everything about this post is terrible.

Chell is literally just staring at it it's really just one bad idea after another followed by some stupid, badly encrypted question about those stupid notes which she threw away.]

[testgasm]

[UM EXCUSE YOU HEATHER SAID IT WAS A REALLY GOOD IDEA...

I HAD A GOOD IDEA]

[Text]

[godofthemachine]

[AM's ears cannot process all of this rambling as precisely as he could when he was a computer. He makes a note of this guy and how annoying he is.]

You are an AI, you say? And there are others?

[video]

[testgasm]

Uh, yes. Yes I am. Hello! There are...less of us than there used to be, but still a few.

video

[edle_gestalt]

[He's grinning.] This is a very good idea. I would however like to make it clear that most of us nations are a little on the quieter side than who will probably jump on the nation ambassador position.

[He pauses.

Know what, fuck it.]

On second thought, I volunteer for the position myself. I am the only neutral nation on board and I am obligated by my very existence and purpose to take the voices of my colleagues into consideration. Please let me know if you are interested.

[what is he doing]

[video]

[testgasm]

[TWO PEOPLE. TWO PEOPLE SAY THIS IS A GOOD IDEA.]

You mean America, right? He, ah. Does seem like the type who'd want this kind of position, but hey, if you're interested, I don't see why you can't hop on board. Seems like you've got the qualifications.

[Welcome to the maiden voyage of the S.S. Failboat, destined to crash and burn in a spectacular fashion the likes of which the world has never seen.]

[zoosmell]

oh, wow, that is super cool!
i always knew you had it in you for crappy greatness!
i can be an ambassador too.
an ambassador... of AWESOME and possibly chips?
but i can tell you about the troll thing.
it is just cultural sensitivity and you can use something else as a bucket instead, right?

[testgasm]

I thought so too! Definitely--definitely super cool. What about the ambassador of, um. Strange hooded pajamas?

It's all right about the buckets. Is it...is it only buckets, or does it extend to all cleaning supplies?

[theshabbiestofmen]

What precisely is an AI?

[testgasm]

That would be Artificial Intelligence. It's okay if you've never heard of it before, not everyone here seems to know, exactly. What it is.

voice.

[swagneto]

What exactly do you hope to get out of this? Some sort of peace treaty between humans and everyone else?

[video]

[testgasm]

Well...no, not exactly. Haven't really been thinking in those terms. I'll be honest, humans just don't really...get it, sometimes. Need things explained to them. So...mostly looking to make sure the non-humans--well, um. AIs, on my part, I suppose--aren't being...overlooked.

No offense, by the way. If-if you are human. Can't actually tell, with just audio.

voice;

[astrogate]

So how many of you AI's are there on the ship? Rough guess.

And why do you feel you would be even remotely qualified to have some representation here?

You're a machine.

[video]

[testgasm]

[WOW

RUDE]

That is...that is not how to get someone to answer your questions.

video

[handelaar]

...

[Great job, Wheatley. For once, he's quiet because he has too much shit to say and has to pick one to judge you for first.]



Did ya even think this out before y'started blabbing everywhere...

[There's. So much judging going on over here. Oh holy hell where does he start.]

[video]

[testgasm]

[wait hey no stop people like his ideas nothing can ruin this moment]

Uh, yes? Lots of preparation and...and thought went into this, if you must know. This is important!

[syllogism]

It seems that there are conflicting responses toward your proposition.
Let's sidestep the intergalactic politics for the time being, especially considering there's likely an unidentified greater force in command of this ship, one with authority over its captain and crew.
There eventually will come an inevitable time when the passengers must be united in mutiny against these unknown authorities.
Clearly, that time is not right now.
Anyway, I'm going to stop.
It seems that you're seeking someone knowledgeable in robotics.
Has anyone else offered assistance?
Perhaps yours truly just so happens to be a self-certified master builder of robots extraordinaire who's extending his services and expertise.

[testgasm]

There are...at least three people who think this is a good idea. Four, if you include me. That's plenty.

[BUT WAIT hold the phone]

You build robots! That's--oh, that's brilliant. What...kind of robots?

[audio]

[notmydiagnosis]

[ What... What the fuck.

What the fuck, Wheatley. ]

I suppose organization would do us all good.

[ This right here? Is a bitch face. Not that you can see it. ]

[video]

[testgasm]

[Exactly]

Ah! Good. You agree.

[video]

[profligates]

First an ambassador, then an engineer? [Pauses.] I have a small interest in robotics. What is the project?

[perma-vid]

[testgasm]

Well, you know. Keeping my options open.

[I know nothing about either of those things.]

Anyway, the project is--um. My current employer and I are--are building a robot.

[voice] WOW SO LATE HA HA HA HA sob.

[functioningperfectly]

I think this might be an excellent idea, Wheatley. [CAN YOU GUESS HIS TONE


YOU GUESSED IT! IT'S PLEASED!!!]

[testgasm]

[GOOD IDEA COUNT: 6

CAN THIS DAY POSSIBLY GET ANY BETTER?!]

Brilliant. Knew I could count on you.

audio | locked;

[longaevus]

Can I ask what you know of species other than humans, and now vampires? [ She's just curious ]

[perma-vid]

[testgasm]

Only took care of humans. But, you know. Willing to learn, and all that.

[andblockbuster]

Wow. That's so... Asimov of you. [Unimpresed Topher is unimpressed by your life. ALWAYS.]

[testgasm]

Uh. Yeah. Who?

[Where I come from they are more like Guidelines of Robotics]