012✖; (video)

[circumitus]

"Recently, you've all been told that there is a traitor.

"So you should probably know what it was I did."

[She pauses, searching for the words while she lets that sink in for a heavy moment. One might note that her tones are different; she doesn't sound like her usual robotic self when she speaks. Quite the opposite, actually. Rey sounds almost like-human. In her own way, you could say that this her one big "fuck you" to Smiley. You think she wouldn't tell everyone? Well, now she is. Full disclosure. So there.]

"I entered the dark corridors shortly after the DUPRR crew had docked the ship. Before long it became apparent that the things infesting the hallways weren't approaching me with any hostility. Because they weren't attacking, I was able to reach the secondary shuttle bay more or less without much incident. During that trek I made an effort to avoid others, not knowing the extent of the compulsion and whether it would also drive me to harm anyone who stood in the way." [Well, it's mostly the truth she speaks. You're welcome, William.]

"All that remained was the DUPRR pilot, Neson. Needing his trust, I tricked him into coming with me by pretending to be a person who was trustworthy. It's something I've become rather good at, actually -- pretending to be someone else, much like how I am right now. Despite the fact that something wanted me to kill this man, I decided to will against it.

"It didn't work as intended.

"Instead, I took him to the White Room. I opened the door. And I led him through.

"He's likely still in there right now, where it's kept him."

[She stops, still dizzied from the jump. The more she speaks, the more hoarse her voice gets. She hasn't been using it that much lately, and it's clear from her shadowed eyes and worn features that she's been neglecting more than just sharing this information.]

"Apparently, doing this has-- 'stopped the clock', whatever that means.

"For what it's worth, I'm sorry."

Comments

[dogbane]

[William catches himself only then; after she says that. Breaks eye-contact, telling himself in his head Don't act soulless don't act soulless so he takes a breath and. tries.] Right, [he says.] Sorry, I just.

I don't know how to deal with all that shit right now, [he decides, sounds true enough. Last time it was catatonia and drugs and extended isolation while a couple of so-called friends tried and totally failed to make to his bedroom for chats, and wound up making out under some bewitched mistletoe (??) instead. It wasn't fun. He's putting off dealing 'til he can come up with a better way, basically.] So-- right. Uh, sorry.

[circumitus]

[...Don't mind her. She's just going to keep eying you. The subtle tells. She's more perceptive than you'd think.

[But not enough to really pinpoint the whole soulless thing. Rather, she focuses on another matter:]

How have you been since we came back? Sort of fell out of contact for a while. Sorry for that.

[dogbane]

I've been all right, [William answers easily enough, recovering from his momentary concern.] Catching up with work. Everything gets a bit turned around every time we have a shipwide clusterfuck, supplies out of order, you know. In terms of my personal life, I've got nice plans.

[SEXY PLANS

Sexy stay soulless stay alive stay out of Charles Xavier's clutches-shaped plans.]

Between the two of us you've probably got more to worry about at the moment. [A beat.] I don't think I ever thanked you. Sorry. Sometimes I'm a cunt.

[circumitus]

[Rey sighs, rubbing a hand down her face.]

Wouldn't be so quick to thank me, if what Smiley said was true. Probably would've been better if you'd just killed them both.

At least, better than whatever happens in that room.

[dogbane]

[William's mouth twists thoughtfully, and his eyes go slightly out of focus. Thinking.]

Pretty sure assimilation's happening in there, [he decides.] Seems like this assimilation's different-- more fucked up, somehow, more dangerous than the ones before. I suppose Smiley didn't want the white room to get him. To get one of the fucking DUPRR cunts.

[A beat.]

I'm surprised you say that, but I guess I shouldn't be.

[circumitus]

If that's the case, what happened to us? We went in there, and we came out. And we seemed to share a similar experience when DUPRR showed up.

[She doesn't want to say it, but the implications are there and it doesn't bode well.]

[dogbane]

[He looks a little squeamish for a moment. Like he didn't want to be the one to talk about it, even if everyone else has already started to think about it and have probably remarked similarly elsewhere.]

I suppose this shit happens in degrees.

[circumitus]

This feels like the culmination of shit. The shit dressing on the shit salad.

[It sounds weird for even Rey to hear herself talk like that. But she's not exactly herself, and hasn't been for some time.

[She pauses, biting her lip for a second.]

Back then, when it was just Neson left... Did you feel anything at all? A change?

[After throwing herself into a self-imposed solitude, she hadn't had the time to revisit the events with William. Didn't really want to, no matter how necessary it was.]

[dogbane]

I can't remember very well. I had a lot of adrenaline I suppose, [William says, propping his chin on his hands. More relaxed now that they aren't speculating directly about the loss of their own minds. Someday, murder by itself will bother him again.] I don't think so. I'dve had him, too.

Was it different for you, from the start? Or only after I did the kid?

[circumitus]

Was different before, as well as after.

[She hesitates, scratching her forehead. A nervous tick when she doesn't want to look directly at someone.]

There was a time, before coming here, that it was possible for someone to manipulate my actions against my will. Make me do things, kill whoever they wanted me to kill.

When that feeling came again, it was-- familiar. That something wanted me to kill again. Didn't really want to kill these people, though.

It was almost like being torn in two.

After the kid, it changed. Relief? Thought it was finally over. That perhaps it was possible to at least save the other one.

Suppose that's what it wanted the entire time. And it just got the best of me.

[There's a tense silence that follows. Her teeth clench, anger coiling in her throat and through her words.]

He said that I chose it. But that was not my choice, and am sick of assholes taking that from me.

[dogbane]

[William falls quiet for a long moment, pensive, not trying to be cold in the face of her anger just-- thinking.]

You chose not to kill him, [he says, finally.] I don't think it's sensible or virtuous to deny that fucking much. You chose that. You thought it'd be better than whatever I was going to do to him, whatever the monsters might do. And you didn't know any better because this ship and its senior inhabitants are all snotty, judgy, mystery-hoarding cunts.

[A beat.] Mind-control is bollocks, [he remembers to agree, nodding.]

[circumitus]

So is not knowing whether or not this all means we've just been royally fucked over.

[dogbane]

Can't argue with you there, [William nods, looking as sympathetic as he can. It's pretty good, even if it's not as good as he used to be.] But on the upside, we know you're still a good person, does your best when you're put between a rock and a hard place.

There are worse things than trying to keep people alive.

[circumitus]

["I'm not a person," is almost what comes out of her mouth just then. But she's already opened that can of worms with Sophie and Firo more than once, and has no desire to do the same with William right now.

[Sigh. Mildly frustrated, at a loss, and what do.]

Think dying would've been better than whatever happens in that room.

Don't know for certain, but it seems to be a fair guess.

[dogbane]

[William scratches his chin.] You'dve killed him if you'd known that, [he says loyally. Which is a little ridiculous yes, talking about killing someone as if that's what a good friend would do and what a bad friend wouldn't, but right now that is.]

You did what was fucking best.

[He'll say it again. He'll say it until she tells him off or starts to believe it.]

[circumitus]

Would have, yes. [Rey is no stranger to killing, whether it be under her own influence, necessity, or under the control of someone else completely. The latter aspect makes it not something she prides herself in.

[As she continues, her teeth clench. It's hard for her to speak, through the anger and everything else that's been waging inside of her fucking conscience. William, you have it easy.]

No, it wasn't. It really wasn't what was fucking best at all!

Just gave it more. It wanted me and I GAVE IT MORE.

[Normally, Rey does not yell. She's not the yelling type. But everyone has their limits, and right now she can't help but to feel things and it just happens to be very loud.]

[dogbane]

[He recoils slightly from the tiny device, even though she's shrunk down and quieter through the digitization than she would be in person. After a moment, William comes back again, his fingers emerging huge in the view of the lens for a moment, adjusting it so that he can see her differently.

She's too far away to scare him for more than a moment. And for better or worse, he doesn't-- can't feel guilty for making her shout.] But you didn't know, [he says.] You did your best. Sometimes you can't fucking know. [But then there's a staccato instant after, where his brow furrows, he's reminded by her crew number on his screen how long she's been here.

And he asks:] Did you?

[circumitus]

What if I did?

[Rey, no. No hypotheticals. But she sounds irritated, resentful, though not necessarily at William so much as the whole situation and its outcome.]

I know that nothing good is going to come from there. I know what it wants.

[dogbane]

Assimilation and murder and fucked up mental control, or has it written you a specific memo? [William shouldn't be so tart. So sharp. He wouldn't be ordinarily. He frowns at her, brow furrowed. Not understanding, in part because he can't.]

[circumitus]

Funny. [Only she's not laughing. She clears her throat. Her voice is gravelly; not used to raising it.]

It didn't have to be specific.

[dogbane]

So if it had been, [William frowns, strangely stern, or maybe just thoughtful. No, probably stern.] If it'd said, you do this, it'll fuck everyone; murder's better, pick the murder. Black on yellow. Sans-serif font, 'cause that's easiest to read, digitally.

Would you've still shown him the white room?

[circumitus]

I don't know. [She says quietly, barely audible at first. She's gripping the side of her head in one hand, her jaw tightening.] I don't know!

Just know that it wouldn't matter what I wanted, anyway. I wasn't in control. Again.

[dogbane]

[He's quiet a little bit after that. Not just the absence of conversation; his eyes are quiet, thinking about that.]

All right, [he concedes.] We ought to throw a funeral for the loss of our sanity, collectively. But then we'd have to tell them all what I did-- and I do appreciate you didn't. [His voice is gentler now, considerably. He looks at her with something like rue, but of course-- it can't be.]

[circumitus]

[Rey falls quiet herself for a moment, then sighs.]

No, wouldn't do that. Not unless you made that decision yourself.

[Snitches get stitches, after all. And she sure as fuck isn't going to start pointing fingers or even kid herself that what she did was a far cry from William...

[Besides, Smiley more or less took that choice from her, forced her to come clean regardless of what others think. She's not about to stoop to his level and do the same.]

[dogbane]

Thanks, love. [William's face in the video is kind. And he means to be, as much as he can be under the circumstances.]

Listen. You did a brave thing, coming out. If you hear about anything me or Medical can do to help-- fucking anything at all, you let me know, all right? Smiley might think the clock's stopped, but far as I can see, time's still moving very fucking inexorably forward.