[voice.] + [possible offline.]

[avengeful]

[Sam lasted approximately 3.8 days resting in a bed after getting sort of kind of stabbed in the back (well, at home, then it sort of... followed him here). He's mostly healed thanks to the powers that be and Castiel, but he's still slow on his feet, all sore and stitched up and sort of exhausted from losing most of the blood in his body (or whatever Dean would claim he lost; he thinks it's not that bad anymore, so whatever). He sort of rests himself in the garden with his network comm, wincing a little to get comfortable against some old gnarled tree trunk.

He wants to get his mind off home. Dad's dead — dead dead, not coming back, no hope of fixing that — and he's got demon blood pumping inside his veins, and Ava and Andy and so many other kids are dead by now... And Sam is pretty sure he's dying back home, regardless of how his conversation with his brother goes. Basically, life sucks, it's a shitfest, and we're all gonna die eventually. But hey, he tries to keep the topic light and his faith a little high.]

Well, everyone from the bridge — I'm glad you're all okay. That was a terrible idea, but. I'm glad anyway. [And he is. His voice is light when he says that.] We'd rather want you guys all alive and kicking, y'know, even if I get why you guys took that risk. I mean, where I'm from? That sort of thing is something I deal with a lot, so... I'm not about to wag any fingers. But did anything in particular happen in there that would be good to note for the future? I know everyone just about tore their own arms off trying to get the doors to open from the outside; how was the inside, though? Any sort of visions, ill omens? Possibly changes in the setting that might imply something spiritual or omnipresent there with you? There were a few distorted voice and video posts, and I'm sure it's been brought up, but humor me.

[It's important to note these kinds of things.]

The ship seems to be warping itself a lot lately, so I figured best to ask. Like — the numbers. I don't know the implication or importance of them, but I know some of you've been talking about them... and the masks are a new thing for me, technically. I wasn't around for that, so I guess there's none to worry about for the newer arrivals, but I've heard it wasn't exactly rainbows and candy canes, though.

The mirrors were freaking out the last time I checked, the previous jump; on the bright side, I'm 100% sure that it's not Bloody Mary. Already had a hell of a time dealing with that particular ghost. [but we did it cuz winchesters. savin ppl. hunting thangs. family bidness. He shrugs. Where was he going with this before he got distracted by old cases? He must be getting too used to this place if he's okay with chatting about them to begin with. Then again, nothing wrong with admitting you deal with vengeful spirits on occasion in a place full of supernatural issues. It's when you admit you kill vamps and werewolves on a ship full of them that's a problem.... Anyway...] I don't know. It just seems like little things are building up. We're getting more information, sometimes literally through someone else's point of view in memories - but I get the feeling it's not gonna continue on like this without something big happening.

[For anyone interested in Offline. threads, Sam will be resting in the gardens; he's been sleeping a little more until he feels more up to speed, or will otherwise be combing his father's journal and some of the books he'd received from home to see if there's anything on 'haunted mirrors'. Just because they dealt with Bloody Mary doesn't mean this is the same kind of application of lore. He'll probably just end up nodding off here for a while until he's energized enough to drag himself back to his room. Maaaaybe he should be resting there. Whatever, hunter thug, don't need no sleep.

Library it is. Maybe he can find an e-book with anyyyy information on numbers and the importance of numbers in cultures from this universe. Chances are he'll find squat he can apply to the numbers on the walls, but it's better than having to sit still for a full week or something. And then maybe go to the med bay and make sure his nasty little row of sutures are doing okay. Hygiene is important mkay. Though he might be hobbling along like an old man until his back feels better. What a loser.]

Comments

[faithlessly]

[ don't list that crap, sam, it's depressing. ]

Hey, I'm still here, right? And I've gone through all of that-- done some shitty things on top of your shit, too.

[ dean thinks of the girl, the one sam had quit everything for which included trying to get him out of purgatory. he thinks about the brother he'd come back to, the one unwilling to get back into hunting, and only agreeing to it once more because they thought the gates of hell thing would be their last major gig. ]

When you remembered how important what we do is.

[ it's true enough, right? ]

[avengeful]

[He shakes his head.]

Is that supposed to make me feel better? You think I'm okay with getting crap dumped on us as long as we're both suffering together?

[He's not exactly pleased, and the whole but at least we're together thing doesn't exactly sound all that fucking fantastic when they're 50-something like Dad and have been falling apart since day one.

His voice lowers.]

I wanted it to be over after Azazel died. For — all three of us. [Well. Dad's gone now, so...] Or at least for you and me.

But I'm stuck in this life until I die sooner or later, is what you're saying, and there was never any chance of me being anything but this.

[He looks at him, brow pinched.]

What do you want me to say to that, man?

[faithlessly]

[ dean's quiet for a long time, watching the grass they're sitting on. ]

Well, it's not. You know, over. And it won't be for a long time.

[ a sigh as he runs a hand over his face. ]

I don't know what to tell you, dude. I mean, maybe there's a different ending down the road, y'know? Maybe it can be over someday, but just not... where I'm from. Not yet. [ not with the angels falling and sam all but dead in his arms. ]

But you won't know if you give up.

[avengeful]

[A pause.

Sam finally breathes out his nose.]

I didn't say I was giving up.

[He'd keep going until his heart gave out, or at least put everything he had into it.

He purses his lips, being honest.]

It's just... all this drowning, all this misery, losing everyone and always being one step behind — I believed so hard that we could fix things and it'd all be okay. And there's not... even a light at the end of the tunnel.

[He's supposed to be the faithful, optimistic one, but it's —

kind of hard to be, when your brother admits everything is still shit seven or eight years down the line.]

[faithlessly]

You sure 'bout that?

[ dean's seen sam wanting to give up, at the edge of it. to quit hunting, to call it a day-- he might have never said it, but it's been there. more as of late than before. this isn't like those times, yet he can't shake the feeling it's what his brother wants.

he tries to take the honesty for what it is but it's difficult. ]

I hear you, but... We are fixing it. Slowly but surely, we're doing-- something. I don't know how long it'll take but if we don't do it, who will?

[ leaving it all to rot seems wrong, too. though granted now dean has no idea what'll happen with heaven emptied out. ]

[avengeful]

[Sam looks back toward the rest of the gardens.]

Someone else.

[Funny how months and months of time to think changes things.

Sam knows they help a lot of people, but how much is enough? Especially after all of this other shit. After demons and special children and the end of the world. After Jo will die, after Dad's gone, after - he doesn't want to think of how many others will pass away.]

Is this all that's gonna be left for us, after everyone dies and things get worse?

Just hunting?

[faithlessly]

Maybe.

[ that's a question dean honestly has no answer to. it's not something he often thinks about either, not since it's only bound to lead down a road of unwanted thoughts. he does what he does best which is hunt, and even if the gates of hell were to be closed, he'd still do it.

he glances at sam then, voice quiet. ]

You sound a bit like mom, you know. She never wanted this life for us.

[ it's maybe a fraction random, but he offers it up anyway. mary had told him so much herself, after all. ]

[avengeful]

[He glances over at him, looking a little surprised - and a little more vulnerable.]

How do you know that?

[Sam always knew. Always. He didn't need to meet her to know.

That's what mothers are supposed to want.]

[faithlessly]

She told me.

[ said so casually, and without looking at sam while he shifts against the tree. ]

She was a hunter, y'know? Her whole family was-- really knew their stuff, and... She wanted out, like you, and for a while there she managed to do so.

[ until fate had claimed her anyway. ]

[avengeful]

[His eyes widen and for a moment it's like back in the old days, when Dean would relent the smallest bit of information about mom - back then, it was such a dangerous topic, and Sam remembers times where Dean had snapped at him for even uttering mom to start with. Back when he was that kid who looked around at other kids and carefully made a list in his head of what he was missing.]

You -- how did she tell you? Her ghost, she... She was gone.

[Wasn't she? She used up her energy to save them.]

[faithlessly]

[ dean nods. ]

She is gone, yeah. [ from their time, for good. ]

But when you get mixed up with angels, they sometimes treat you to their handy-dandy skills, which include travelin' back in time. [ and forth but let's not talk about that gig. ]

Cas brought me back at one point. Twice, actually. Always before either of us were born, and-- [ now there's something fond in his voice, a smile on his face. ] I saw both of 'em, Sam. Mom and dad.

[avengeful]

[Sam's trying really hard to digest this information, but it's kind of intense.

And also something he's wanted since he was a child.]

... What were they like? Before — y'know.

[faithlessly]

[ intense and every bit true. this is the only way he knows how to lay it out for sam, to just say it without beating around the bush. ]

They were... [ how should he even put it? dean shrugs some, looks off at the rest of the gardens. ] Happy. Meant to be. [ which sounds so lame and as apparent is on his face with the briefly wry smile. seeing mary and john hadn't been without it's problems, or anything idyllic and perfect. ]

They definitely had their problems-- [ which had been damaging but in the end it hadn't taken away from their happiness either. ] But they were alive and kicking. [ which is a good starter, if you're a winchester or a future winchester. ]

[avengeful]

[His expression shifts, turns bittersweet, and his lips twitch like smiling is kind of hard to do in the face of that information. Not that long ago, he had watched his mother... He looks down and away, thumbing at his arm.]

She... died trying to protect me.

[She died because Sam was quietly meant for something horrible.]

[faithlessly]

[ dean's quiet for a beat, then nods once. ]

She did. But I don't think she'd change that, y'know. [ and she had known what was coming, even if none of them could have ever seen exactly how far the damage of her deal would eventually go. ]

And we end up gankin' that son of a bitch Azazel. We finally get him, Sam. [ sure none of their hardships had been over but at least one ugly fly had been swatted down. ]

[avengeful]

Yeah... Yeah, I know she wouldn't.

[He purses his lips, voice soft and younger. Maybe a little lost.]

I saw, she loved me. And ever since I was little, that was what I wanted to know, y'know? But part of me just... wishes she didn't. I know that's messed up. But then maybe you guys could've - [He sighs shakily, not able to look at Dean.] Y'know.

[Been a family.

He would've vanished and... everyone would be alive and could move on?

He can't help but think about it.]

[faithlessly]

[ dean knows they're sharing things here, that this is a moment that's been long coming and he doesn't want to ruin it. but when sam says what he does, he can't help the sharp look he immediately has to throw his brother, the surprise bordering on frustration there. ]

Dude, don't say that. That's-- [ no. ] -- just don't. I know you won't believe me, but you're not the source of every problem ever, Sam. You not bein' around would-- it wouldn't be right. At all.

[ while he wishes sam could have a better life more often than not, dean can't stand the idea of a world without sam. ]

So don't think that, alright?

[avengeful]

[He nods, soothed quietly by the reply. Dean wanting him around helps ease that weird suffocating feeling the admittance had brought. He knows it doesn't help, talking like that when he'd just so recently had that suicidal moment in the hallways... but he wanted to be honest. And that was honest.]

I'm just glad. Knowing more about her.

[He rubs the back of his head. Well, he's on a roll, and Dean's never given him this much room to talk about... stuff like this. So.]

You and dad used to get so upset when I brought her up, and I never really knew... I mean, she always seemed like such a big source of pain a lot of the time. It made it hard to see things the same way you and Dad did... Mom was just a face from a few pictures that made you two sad and angry about something for a long time.

[He sighs.]

I don't even know what I'm going on about anymore. Maybe the space drugs I'm on have adverse side effects.

[That, and he's really not sure how to voice his feelings to his family.

But that's nothing new.]

wow for some reason i never realized you tagged this back

[faithlessly]

[ dean'll reflect back on this later, realize how they probably should do more of the whole one-on-one heart-to-heart business, but... well, it's never been really easy, has it? for either of them.

either way, right now he's not too surprised when sam keeps going... and what he says twists some guilt in his gut. he'd never thought about how it must have been coming across to sam, how he and their dad acting could have left an impression. it leaves him quiet for a long beat, and then only offers; ]

Wish I could tell you more 'bout her. Or something.

[ but even if he remembers her, dean had only been four himself.

anyway, dean smirks some, and then gives him a pointed look. ]

You've been out here for way too long, man.

hdu disowned!!!!

[avengeful]

[He goes from doe-eyed to disapproving.]

Been in a medical bed for too long.

[He finally starts unraveling his sandwich, a little grumbly.]

Since when are you a fan of anything resembling a hospital or doctors?

no chains self to X(!!!

[faithlessly]

Since you needed both.

[ not like they have the same issues to worry about here like they do back home. that, and as said, it's sam in the bed, not him. ]

Take it easy, alright? Even if you are startin' to feel better.

[avengeful]

[Ew, you're making him do a sad lovey-dovey brother face.

He nods though, swallowing hard.]

...Fine. But only for a little while.

No bitching when I finally flip my med bay bed.

[faithlessly]

[ gross. ]

Ain't gonna be my ass they grill when you do that.

[ but imagine all those angry nurses! not the worst thing. ]

[avengeful]

[He rolls his eyes.]

They'll never catch me.

[He'll be as swift as a coursing river.]