CASE 002: ACCIDENTAL VIDEO GOODNESS.

[consulting]

[ The communications device is placed haphazardly. Perhaps on a shelf, but regardless the orientation makes it so that video is tilted in a less than pleasing manner. Sherlock and John are both in frame; entirely unaware that the video has them both captured. Sherlock is all jitters and small animations of tension. From the rhythmic taps of fingers to the trouser end of the jumpsuit to the quick paces back and forth in the gaps between John and Sherlock’s bed. ]

I was hoping for more concrete advice. [ A hint of seething; irritation; perhaps desperation. ] I was under the presumption that you had added space into your repertoire, John Three Continents Watson. [ More pacing; his expression turns legitimately confused ] Help me.

[ John sighs - he’s never living down that particular disclosure of information, is he? He rubs at his brow with his thumb, though his eyes follow Sherlock for some of the walk. The communicator in his own hands seems to have been forgotten for the moment. ]

What are you on about? Advice? What are you trying to do now?

I’m not helping you sweet-talk any more women into stealing you things.




[ Shoots John a look ] They’re Holmes’ things, therefore to some extent they are my things. We have devised a barter system; and Cambridge was happy to oblige. These are all hypothetical situations - regardless. But - other thieves John, focus. Do I just simply stuff him? I’ve observed your dates and that’s all you seem to do with them. How does one go about asking? Do I text him? John, could you send me a text. You’re holding your device, I don’t see why you can’t.

You both devised a barter system, or you talked and you took silence to be an agreement?

[ Sherlock, you talk to people who aren’t even in the room and make deals on their behalves. ]

Stuff hi-- what? What?

[ John straightens, his brows furrowing hard with a mixture of confusion and distaste. Stuff him, Christ, Sherlock is so fucking vulgar sometimes. ]

Sherlock, in case you haven’t noticed, I haven’t been following you every waking moment of the day. What the hell are you talking about?

Are you -- are you asking me for dating advice?

[ Even John thinks he’s stupid for asking this question, if the squint is anything to go off of. ]

You... found someone? Someone you like? …Here?

[ Clears his throat. ]

Another man, I gather. Sherlock... you know I’m not gay, right?


[ Have a look of complete and utter skepticism, John. If his eyes could make dramatic speeches, this monologue would be about how John is the worst best friend ever. Also the speech would start with, OBVIOUSLY. In all caps. ]

John, I’ve borrowed your laptop. That folder hidden in My Documents has put evidence on that statement. Imagine my shock when I found that you fancied uniforms. [ dryly ]

And please don’t make me repeat, what I just said. [ He sighs ] I should have gone to Spock; he seems to be capable of giving solid dating advice. But yes, John, that is what I am asking. Now what do I do?

Unif--

[ John’s look of incredulity is slightly slack-jawed. ]

Sherlock. Those were my Army photos. I was in most of them! And we had quite a few women in the regiment.

[ Sherlock, you just perused your way along without really looking, didn’t you? No, you’re just saying that to annoy him. Good show.

John grinds his teeth momentarily. ]

What do you want for the text?

[ His gaze drops down to his phone. This not answering something right away is his infuriating way of saying he’s thinking about it or else would rather avoid the subject entirely. Bit of both. As John thumbs his way toward pulling up Sherlock’s contact number, though... ]

Sherlock.

[ Stop pacing and look at him. ]

[ He won’t. ]

Alright, type in: ‘Let’s have dinner. SH’, that sounds reasonable.

[ Lifts his eyes to the other man, lips tightening fractionally. ]

Sherlock.

Too much?

...Check your device.

[ Sherlock will tap to check, frown when it’s not there. He’ll take a few seconds to scan the room; to see it immediately on the shelf. Sherlock approaches the device and a look of sheer horror and disgust encompass him when he notices that the device is recording. The feed quickly cuts. ]


[[ OOC: HI GUYS FEEL FREE TO SPAM THIS POST WITH INAPPROPRIATE TERRIBLE DATING ADVICE FOR THE CONSULTING DETECTIVE. THIS GRATUITOUS DISPLAY OF BROMANCE HAS BEEN BROUGHT TO YOU BY JULYA AND EFFY: BROMANTIC PRODUCTIONS. BLUE IS SHERLOCK, BROWN IS JOHN :D ]]

Comments

voice;

[jilt]

Such a romantic proposal.

voice;

[theblogger]

You'd be more sincere if you realized his grip on romance.

[ Hello, he has no idea who you are. ]

TEXT

[consulting]

[ Oh god. His life, what is his life. ENTIRELY APPROPRIATE TIMING MISS ADLER. Sharp Inhale before he manages to compose this message ]

I can feel the sarcasm dripping.

SH

voice;

[monkeytailed]

I'd say take him someplace nice but there really isn't anywhere nice on this ship. Have you thought about using a pick-up line? Like the one about chocobos, that one's a classic.

voice;

[theblogger]

Pick-up lines are never a good idea.

[ The first advice is free. ]

NOT HERE

[firstofficer]

[ but he is aghast regardless. ]

NOT HERE

[consulting]

[ BUT SPOCK; HE NEEDS YOU. YOU ARE GOOD AT THIS. YOU WILL SCIENTIFICALLY EXPLAIN HIS FEELINGS. RIGHT? RIGHTTTTT. ]

video;

[goldshirt]

[LMAO. LMFAO. although he's managed to compose himself into a shit eating grin by the time he clicks on the feed.]

What ever gave you that impression about Spock?

[the fact that he has a girlfriend aside. NOT THAT ANY OF YOU KNOW THAT OK.]

Re: video;

[consulting]

[ Oh Jim. That grin deserves all the frustrated and hateful looks Sherlock will send ]

He's obviously more adept in the field than I am.

[ To be fair, he was pretty sure the trolls and their zany troll relationships were more adept at Romance than he was ]

voice;

[awakenings]

I suppose that's the most direct way to go about it, though they might not take it for anything romantic.

Voice

[consulting]

[ He looks confused. LEGITIMATELY BOY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. He's trying to sort out feelings; attraction is weird and he usually shoves it in a corner of his brain and pretend it doesn't exist.]

- How does one make dinner Romantic?

[ He'll turn to Re-L cause John's not giving him advice; YOU'VE HAD DINNER WITH CAPA; SHARE YOUR SECRETS RE-L. ]

[voice]

[madmaninabox]

...I've got to echo Watson on this one. 'Stuff him?'

[voice]

[theblogger]

On this one?

[ Have we met? ]

[zoosmell]

you should take her to a movie.
especially if it has matt mcconaughey.
i think that's how you know you like a girl.
or... um... a guy.
i guess.

TEXT 1/2

[consulting]

Movie. Dinner.
Much obliged.

SH

text;

[starked]

[ tony cannot stop laughing. honestly. and it's part of the reason he still chooses text over video or voice. ]

Stuff him. With what? A sausage of some kind?

TS

[ tony stark: being the most mature dude ever for way longer than he'll admit. ]

TEXT

[consulting]

I'm still not understanding this euphemism.

SH

NOT HERE YET remember that ...OH, OKAY face neal makes about diana? that face here. also 1/...things

[became]

[ THIS IS NOT ACTUALLY VIDEO YET but oh. huh.

...his milkshake: still fully intact. ]

( video ) 2/lots.

[became]

I still prefer alleged.

[Video]

[hagyjbeken]

Wow, you're bad even at dating, I should have realized there was nothing redeeming about you. [Whole-heartedly amused, though.]

VIDEO

[consulting]

Some people don't have areas, dating isn't one of mine. I don't try to be redeeming.

text

[sexting]

[ Drum roll, please, for the most important part of this broadcast as judged by the Cambridge-Centric Universe Rotation theory: ]

nobody ever bloody asks ME to dinner on this damn ship.

text

[constructum]

[ sorry cambridge, she feels the need to add her two-cents in here. ]

Some people are DENSE when it comes to that sort of thing. So they'll never ask if you don't take the bull by the horns and tell them to.

Vid

[walksonrooftops]

I think you should give that person flowers.

[Solid advice from Sisa's loneliest bachelor. Two thumbs way up.]

[consulting]

Why would I do that? What would he do with flowers? They wilt and take up a lot of space.

voice

[handelaar]

[He tunes in at about the time Spock is mentioned, finally curious because goddamn that is a long video.

Dating problems, huh. Once he figures that out he almost drops his device to the dresser again, but hey - the guy offered him a smoke, he could offer something back.]

I have a book of poetry. If they're into that kind of shit.

[It is also entirely in Dutch, but details.]

VOICE | LOCKED

[consulting]

He would appreciate something like that. What can I get you for it?

[ Sherlock is casually going to reference his cigarette black market contacts on board ]

text

[statsraaden]

[Stats laughs. For a long while. And as he's not sure he'll be able to stop himself, he sends a text.]

I'm afraid I cannot give you advice. I only have experience with tall ships. :) <- is that how you do emoticons? [Yes, Stats managed to hear about them.]

[consulting]

TMI.

SH

voice;

[coffeeking]

[IN TEARS. Oh god, he has to show this to Jack. There is nothing about this that isn't hilarious. In the meantime, he can't bloody help himself.]

Stuffing him might be a bit forward.

[Oh god, he cannot even keep a straight face.]

asjdkasdjs TEARS

[consulting]

[ He looks legitimately confused. Why do people keep bringing that up. ]

What does one do on dates if not stuff them?


[ We're talking about - FOOD right? RIGHT. ]

video;

[timedaughter]

Are you sure you two aren't already dating?

ACTION

[consulting]

[ Yeah, he's confused about this too. So he'll let John answer that one; cause Egbert just told him people Eat and Watch Movies on Dates; and he's eaten and watched movies with John pretty frequently. ]

text;

[vestalvogue]

Oh Dear
Is This Human Courtship
It Seems
Not Very Intuitive
Why Would You Stuff Someone
Do You Mean Literally As In You Are Going To Stuff His Corpse And Mount Them On Display
I Have Heard Of That Sort Of Thing Happening But Generally It Is Either Frowned Upon To Prematurely End Your Intendeds Life For Such A Purpose Or It Is Necessary To Wait Until After Death To Perform The Correct Rites Which Are Also Accompanied By Select Digestion Of Certain Tissues
Is It A Euphemism

TEXT

[consulting]

I have no experience in taxidermy (yet).
I was referring to stuffing them with food.
It is a euphamism, one that according to other humans
apparently I am not interpreting right.

SH

[scratched]

first step to getting the ladies would be to rewind this entire conversation and pretend it never happened
holy shit i might actually start feeling bad for you
if this wasnt solid gold

[consulting]

I am checking my list of murderous remarks
for something to add to this conversation.

I'm glad my dramatics amuse you.

SH

[text]

[lovesfaygo]

Me aNd hOlMeS ArE MoThErFuCkInG TiGhT. i cAn hElP A BrOtHeR OuT. sEt uP SoMe mAd wIcKeD DaTe. YoU CaN AlSo tAlK To nEpEtA. sHe's a mOtHeRfUcKiNg sHiPpEr. HoNk! :0)

[voice]

[theblogger]

Sorry, a... shipper? Is that some sort of term for a matchmaker where you're from?

[voice]

[anomaliiiiies]

Mr. Holmes. And Dr. Watson. I must ask how long the two of you have known each other, for you're sounding a bit like a married couple.

[voice]

[theblogger]

We've been flatmates for about five months. Just flatmates.

[godseer]

You do realize that finishing each of your posts with your initials makes you sound egregiously pretentious.
Coming from me, that should give you pause.

[ Yep. Of all the things to notice, that is what Rose points out. ]

I am so sorrrrry. I am just getting off hiatus now.

[consulting]

Sometimes my phone is not in my possession.
I like having signatures. Tony Stark has mocked me on it occasionally.
If it's any condolence, so does employing the word
'egregiously' into normal conversation.

SH

video

[edle_gestalt]

[A sudden feeling of uneasiness takes over. Can the devices turn on by thesmelves? ... No, no, surely someone would have said something if they'd seen anything personal in his room...

Quietly.]

I heard nothing.

VIDEO

[consulting]

Kind. Unnecessarily so, but kind none the less. Your girlfriend is offering to set up some sort of mood; should I be frightened?