001 | Video

[whynotzoidberg]

[The video opens. A distinctly non-human face appears, one that resembles somewhat of a humanoid squid or lobster. Or both. But he looks fairly content, the mouth underneath those tentacles curved into a smile.]

Hello, hello! Fellow space travelers! [He waves a claw.]

I don't know where we're going, but I like this place. Free meals every day! I think I'll stay here.

[He leans back in his seat, propping his feet up on the table. His feet are claws like his hands, except he's wearing sandals. Now the view of his sandals takes up the whole screen.]

So what happened to all the row-bits? I don't see any here.

Or any non-humans for that matter...

[He sits back up, withdrawing his feet from the table so his face is visible once again. An idea hits him as he mentions the word "human."]

You know, I am an expert on humans! You need a human doctor, maybe? [He points to himself, raising his brows suggestively.]

Comments

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[ghostthatlingers]

You mean AIs? The ship turns them all into humans when they arrive here.

Video

[whynotzoidberg]

[He's actually slightly surprised by this. Nothing has come close to such a thing on Earth.]

Whoa! Your technology must be supreme!

[He pushes his face closer to the screen, looking wide-eyed and desperate.]

Take me to your leader!

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[ghostthatlingers]

[That... was not the reaction she was expecting and she'll be sticking to text because what the hell.]

What kind of alien are you?

[whynotzoidberg]

Feh! Who says I'm an alien? Why excuse you!

[He folds his arms and narrows his eyes slightly.

Except he's one of the only non-human things here but that doesn't matter.]

For your information, I'm from Earth!

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[ghostthatlingers]

Last I saw, the only people living on Earth were humans and AIs and we aren't going to let it become an alien colony.

[whynotzoidberg]

What?!

[He looks slightly shocked by this. Yes, Humans and robots are the predominant species but...]

For your information, there are plenty of aliens on Earth! My people even have an embassy!

[Which contradicts his earlier statement where he said he wasn't an alien...]

[ghostthatlingers]

So you are an alien? That still doesn't tell me what kind you are.

[video]

[fuckinghysterical]

[For a really long time, there's just a stare from this woman over here. She had seen an assortment of different beings here, but this? This has to be the thing that's freaked her out the most. Granted, she's been paranoid around just about anything aquatic (that wasn't a regular fish) for a long time, but now there's a living being who is something aquatic. Oh god, what was this travesty?

But... maybe it was a suit? Yes, it was totally a suit like hers... wasn't it?]

Eeheeheehee? What the hell are you?

[Yes, that's what she has to say to all of that.]

Video

[whynotzoidberg]

[Zoidberg just stares back as the young woman stares at him. She doesn't look out of the ordinary, but hey, he feels like staring back.

He's not really surprised when she asks what he is, though. But seriously apparently no one aside from Doctor (or what Zoidberg refers to the Eleventh Doctor as) knows what the hell a Decapodian is.]

Why it's me, Dr. Zoidberg!

[As if this woman is supposed to recognize him. And as if his name actually explains anything.]

Video

[fuckinghysterical]

[And in return, LB just gives a few confused blinks, along with a slow nod of her head.]

Ah... eeheeheehee. Right.

[Okay, she'll have to approach this a different way. Gesturing toward her mouth, she makes a circular motion around her nose, as if that perfectly described the tentacle things on Zoidberg's face.]

Then what are... those?

[whynotzoidberg]

[Geez, lady, haven't you ever seen a squid? They're like that okay. He sighs.]

They're little tentacles, all right?

They function as muscular hydrostats.

[At least he's very competent in non-human physiology...]

[fuckinghysterical]

[NOT ON THINGS THAT CAN WALK ON TWO LEGS.]

So that-- that's not a costume?

[whynotzoidberg]

What? No!

[So many people have asked him this...]

I only wear costumes on Tuesdays!

video.

[ex_inventive578]

Oi, you live next door to a non-human.

Re: video.

[whynotzoidberg]

I do?

[Zoidberg is slow on the uptake...]

But who? Everyone here looks human to me!

video.

[ex_inventive578]

Yeah, well, I s'pose I do pass for human if you don't look too closely.

[whynotzoidberg]

Ohhhhhhhhhh......

[Zoidberg finally gets it.]

Not human? Then what are you? One of them row-bits maybe?

[ex_inventive578]

Row..... bits? What?

[whynotzoidberg]

[Please excuse Zoidberg's accent. It's his pronunciation of "robot."]

You know, row-bits!

[His eyes light up and he gestures with his claws as he speaks.]

The people made out of metal or something like that. Apparently they take on human forms here maybe?

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[refusing]

[He kind of reminds her of an odd Ood. An expert on humans, she thinks that maybe all alien doctors must assume that. It puts a smile on her face, and she gives a little wave hello.]

Oh, I dunno, there's gotta be one or two non-humans around, if you know the right places to look. [A pause, and she brings down the hand she's just waved with, and rubs at the side of her neck.]

What're row-bits, though? Don't think I've ever heard that one before.

[whynotzoidberg]

[He shrugs again. Everyone he's seen here has been a humanoid. Maybe the weirdest he's seen is someone with like purple skin or something, but Zoidberg is by far the strangest thing aboard the ship.]

No... All I see are humans! Humans everywhere! [He looks at the screen in despair, holding up his claws and sobbing briefly.

But he very quickly regains a neutral demeanor.]

Row-bits? You know, row-bits! The walking metal things!

[Or... his thick accent's pronunciation of "robot."]

[refusing]

[Recognition dawns on her face, and she nods.]

Oh yeah, robots, sorry 'bout that. Now that you mention it, don't think I've seen any wandering around here either. Not that I'm looking, but in a place like this there ought to be a few.

[She frowns then, a bit concerned about his earlier dramatic sobbing.]

Um...sorry if this is nosy or anything, but are you not used to being around us? Humans, I mean. I'm sitting here, talking to you like everything's just fine, and you're probably not even used to being around things that're so...pink and yellow. [She thinks back to a description the Doctor previously used toward her, and figures it fits as well as any in this instance.]

[whynotzoidberg]

Oh no, no! [He waves a claw like it's no big deal.]

I see plenty of humans where I am! Humans and row-bits mostly. I'm a doctor who specializes in humans!

[Well. "specializes."]

[refusing]

Just because you say you specialize in something doesn't mean you've actually been around 'em.

[She points out, and is about to launch into a story about a medic her mum knew who swore he was an expert on falls when he never once treated someone who had fallen before. But that doesn't seem all that important, not when she's curious about something else.]

Where're you from, though?

[whynotzoidberg]

I'm from Earth. Plenty of humans there maybe.

[See? Convincing enough? He's dealt with enough humans that he totally specializes in them.]