ataraxion | third molotov cocktail made ☾ ( anonymous text | locked against anyone from beacon hills )

I know a lot of you are likely to think this entire thing is stupid with how I'm posting it anonymously, but unlike some people, I know how to use the function and I'm well within my rights to post it anonymously especially considering the content.

If, at home, someone did something to you, something horrible that stripped you of what— what's supposed to be you, and took away your control and forced you into doing things because that's the only way that they'd stop and let you have control again and then decided that once you did what they asked that they wouldn't leave you alone, do they deserve to be punished? Should you want to kill them because that's the only way that maybe they'll finally leave you alone? They're not a good person, not in the slightest, I think. And they're on the ship, which, I know all of you are going to say go to security, they'll handle this but this is— beyond their area of jurisdiction because they haven't attacked you on the ship, and they've left you alone because you asked them to, but I don't know if they'll go back on their word or attack me again. If I do something wrong, they would, and—

I've had to do things for them on the ship because they wanted something and I could make it so they could get it because people trust me, and I've been doing it and I think they almost have it.

Do any of you know what it's like to be stuck between two options where one ends in someone hurting you in so many ways because they know every weakness you have and knows how to exploit them and the other has you betraying people and manipulating them in ways that you find yourself feeling guilty about? I just keep lying and hoping no one finds out and it's different than just acting like nothing's wrong because that's at least denial this is just being backed into a corner where I feel like I'm as bad as the person I'm helping. To where I think maybe I'm as evil as they are, because I'm using all these people too and if they deserve to die or be punished in ways that are deemed torture, I do too don't I?

Because I'm no better than them. Everything they've done to me, I've done my version of it to other people and I hate just want to make it all go away. I know how to kill them now, but I can't do it, can I? I don't deserve to get away from this, not after what I've done. Even if I want to. Even if I could.

[ ooc | cut texted purely because of the sensitive subject matter that has to do with what is basically abuse, general assault of a minor and sexual themes. if any of these are triggers, pass on by, or if you choose to read tread very carefully. ]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Trust isn't something I'm good at. Mostly because people don't typically earn it and when they do they do something stupid to mess it up.

Even if there's people who'd put me back together again right now as it stands, if I do something, anything to the one who's— you know, there's no guarantee that it'll stay that way.

There's no guarantee about anything in life. The ones people try to give you are always bullshit.

Which is the thing, you know - I don't want to be a Debbie Downer against all the people who are answering this post going, "Premeditated murder is GREAT, it will solve all your problems!" but I don't see that killing the person would solve a damn thing. I don't just mean in some big picture break the circle of violence way, or talking psychologically about what it's going to be like in your head even after they're gone, which isn't going to be helped by having killed someone. I mean practically. Given the way things work here, where the fuck's your guarantee that if you go to all the trouble of killing somebody and getting rid of their body and not getting caught, they're not just going to show up again next jump?

I'm going to admit, I put serious thought into it myself. This despite me being hard against vigilante "justice" in theory. I don't like that I was thinking that way, but I happen to be stuck here on a murdership with the guy who hurt me - back from the FUCKING DEAD I might add, he's been dead seven years back home - and I thought, you know, maybe I should, maybe it would stop him from hurting somebody else. Except it wouldn't. He might be back next month and what am I going to, kill him over and over? Sounds like a lot of work, unless you're into that kind of thing. I don't want to be the kind of person who's into that kind of thing.

[ This response is slow going, with lots of backtracking and changing things and getting up and pacing around the room before sitting back down, but it's actually doing a hell of a lot of good for Deb just to be able to write all this all out and figure out how she feels on her own behalf, in order to figure out what to tell the person on the other end. ]

You say you're not good at trusting people. Right after what happened to me, people would tap me on the shoulder and sometimes I'd jump three feet in the air or punch them. Let alone TRUSTING. I hated that, I hated being crazy and I hated being broken. And I kept getting so fucking ANGRY at myself for falling for his bullshit, for not being smart enough to see through it or strong enough to be able to fight my way out. He made fun of me, when he was doing it, and even when he was gone it was like he was always there whispering in my ear saying the same things. Telling me I was pathetic, that it was my fault. You can imagine it's extra fun having him here again in the flesh.

The truth is, it had nothing to do with me. He used me because he could. Because he was a sick fuck and I was there in his way. And it was so hard to accept that because if it was my fault then maybe I could stop it happening again. Or, I don't know, maybe it was just easier blaming myself because then I could just say I was fucked up and broken forever and I didn't have to try to think about getting better, deserving better.

And maybe now you're saying "maybe you are fucked up" - actually probably not, you're probably not that much of a bitch. But I sure thought it to myself a lot. I still do sometimes, to tell the truth. I have to go down a list some days to get out of bed, telling myself, no, look at the things you've done, not just work stuff or whatever, you know for a fact you've SAVED LIVES. Sometimes even that doesn't feel like enough.

But what I think, what works for me is this: what great thing did he do for me, that I should continue to do him this huge fucking favor by beating myself up for him? Making myself weaker and sadder and more helpless, or angrier and more violent and more LIKE him? That's what I mean when I say fuck him. Fuck them. Don't let them get in the way of you being able to love or trust other people.

And sure, a lot of the people you meet are going to be idiots or assholes, that's life. But not everybody. And the more people you can get on your side, the more people you know you can trust - that's what will make you stronger. And safer, if anything's safe around here.

That's my two cents.

[ The thing is Lydia takes most of this to heart, or will when she reads it much much later and has actually slept and isn't breakdown but all she ends up responding with is perhaps not the nicest thing. ]

Do you frequently dump that on random anonymous people who you don't know?

[ The answer is no. No, she really doesn't, and a lot of this is stuff Deb hadn't even verbalized for herself until just now, so the implicit judgement stings kind of a lot. ]

No, just the ones who whine about their own drama to the whole fucking network.

[ ...But after a certain amount of stomping around and feeling like a fool Deb's better nature rears its less-ugly head. So after about an hour there's a second text. ]

Take care of yourself, and be safe.

[ Lydia doesn't answer back until the second text is sent, preferring to wait just this once. ]

All other forms of whining required me to do it in person.

And I will. I'm not dead yet, so that has to count for something.

third molotov cocktail made ☾ ( anonymous text | locked against anyone from beacon hills )

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