lчdíα ( вєttєr thαn αnч σthєr αlphα ) mαrtín (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
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ataraxion2013-03-20 03:07 pm
mathematically) wrote in ataraxion2013-03-20 03:07 pm
Entry tags:
- angel,
- charles xavier,
- damon salvatore,
- debra morgan,
- donna paulsen,
- elena gilbert,
- hayley stark,
- helen magnus,
- irene adler (2009),
- laughing beauty,
- lauren reed,
- leonard church (alpha),
- lucrezia borgia,
- lydia martin,
- mr. gold (rumplestiltskin),
- natasha romanoff,
- nill,
- obi-wan kenobi,
- richard b. riddick,
- robb stark,
- stefan salvatore,
- tate langdon,
- taylor "tyke" kee,
- tobias,
- wesley gibson
third molotov cocktail made ☾ ( anonymous text | locked against anyone from beacon hills )
I know a lot of you are likely to think this entire thing is stupid with how I'm posting it anonymously, but unlike some people, I know how to use the function and I'm well within my rights to post it anonymously especially considering the content.
If, at home, someone did something to you, something horrible that stripped you of what— what's supposed to be you, and took away your control and forced you into doing things because that's the only way that they'd stop and let you have control again and then decided that once you did what they asked that they wouldn't leave you alone, do they deserve to be punished? Should you want to kill them because that's the only way that maybe they'll finally leave you alone? They're not a good person, not in the slightest, I think. And they're on the ship, which, I know all of you are going to say go to security, they'll handle this but this is— beyond their area of jurisdiction because they haven't attacked you on the ship, and they've left you alone because you asked them to, but I don't know if they'll go back on their word or attack me again. If I do something wrong, they would, and—
I've had to do things for them on the ship because they wanted something and I could make it so they could get it because people trust me, and I've been doing it and I think they almost have it.
Do any of you know what it's like to be stuck between two options where one ends in someone hurting you in so many ways because they know every weakness you have and knows how to exploit them and the other has you betraying people and manipulating them in ways that you find yourself feeling guilty about? I just keep lying and hoping no one finds out and it's different than just acting like nothing's wrong because that's at least denial this is just being backed into a corner where I feel like I'm as bad as the person I'm helping. To where I think maybe I'm as evil as they are, because I'm using all these people too and if they deserve to die or be punished in ways that are deemed torture, I do too don't I?
Because I'm no better than them. Everything they've done to me, I've done my version of it to other people and I hate just want to make it all go away. I know how to kill them now, but I can't do it, can I? I don't deserve to get away from this, not after what I've done. Even if I want to. Even if I could.
[ ooc | cut texted purely because of the sensitive subject matter that has to do with what is basically abuse, general assault of a minor and sexual themes. if any of these are triggers, pass on by, or if you choose to read tread very carefully. ]
If, at home, someone did something to you, something horrible that stripped you of what— what's supposed to be you, and took away your control and forced you into doing things because that's the only way that they'd stop and let you have control again and then decided that once you did what they asked that they wouldn't leave you alone, do they deserve to be punished? Should you want to kill them because that's the only way that maybe they'll finally leave you alone? They're not a good person, not in the slightest, I think. And they're on the ship, which, I know all of you are going to say go to security, they'll handle this but this is— beyond their area of jurisdiction because they haven't attacked you on the ship, and they've left you alone because you asked them to, but I don't know if they'll go back on their word or attack me again. If I do something wrong, they would, and—
I've had to do things for them on the ship because they wanted something and I could make it so they could get it because people trust me, and I've been doing it and I think they almost have it.
Do any of you know what it's like to be stuck between two options where one ends in someone hurting you in so many ways because they know every weakness you have and knows how to exploit them and the other has you betraying people and manipulating them in ways that you find yourself feeling guilty about? I just keep lying and hoping no one finds out and it's different than just acting like nothing's wrong because that's at least denial this is just being backed into a corner where I feel like I'm as bad as the person I'm helping. To where I think maybe I'm as evil as they are, because I'm using all these people too and if they deserve to die or be punished in ways that are deemed torture, I do too don't I?
Because I'm no better than them. Everything they've done to me, I've done my version of it to other people and I hate just want to make it all go away. I know how to kill them now, but I can't do it, can I? I don't deserve to get away from this, not after what I've done. Even if I want to. Even if I could.
[ ooc | cut texted purely because of the sensitive subject matter that has to do with what is basically abuse, general assault of a minor and sexual themes. if any of these are triggers, pass on by, or if you choose to read tread very carefully. ]
voice text » locked
[ pause for gulping. ]
Self help answer's 'the real you', some shit like that. Real answer's... uglier. Way goddamn scarier, too.
perma-anon text » locked » THOUGH MAN VOICE TEXT MADE ME LAUGH
[ it's supposed to be a joke and if it was voice on her end there'd be a bit of a sniffle there. ]
It's the you that— it's the you that got punched and chewed up and spit out by an asshole.
FOREVER ANON VOICE shut up i was tired
[ juuuuuuuust more drinking. ]
Nope. It's rock bottom, little sister-- what's left when he tears out everyone but what nobody can take.
NOPE GONNA MAKE FUN OF IT FOREVER. i l u?
I'm not a— you don't want me as a little sister, trust me. I don't want to be at rock bottom. I don't— I worked so hard to never been on the bottom of anything.
sob ilu2
Well then, welcome to the world-- everybody gets there, sooner or later. Nobody's blessed enough to get out of it, little sister.
[ just because lydia said not to. ]
no subject
[ lydia did you really just say that. ]
You're going to call me that no matter what, thanks. I really wanted that. You just...pull yourself up again. Claw at the walls and pull up out of the rock bottom hole.
no subject
[ faith doesn't care lbr. ]
And it sucks and it hurts and you wanna die, yeah. [ cheerful. ]
no subject
Has anyone ever told you that you suck at cheering someone up?
[ ...suck is relative, oops. ]
no subject
[ she snorts, and it's actually amused. ]
You didn't put this shit up looking for comfort. You wanted somebody to hold your hand and pity you and act like you need a hug, you wouldn't post shit like this. Nah, you want somebody to give it to you real.
Comfort's not my gig, but I can do ugly real. I got a lifetime to work with.