ataraxion | third molotov cocktail made ☾ ( anonymous text | locked against anyone from beacon hills )

I know a lot of you are likely to think this entire thing is stupid with how I'm posting it anonymously, but unlike some people, I know how to use the function and I'm well within my rights to post it anonymously especially considering the content.

If, at home, someone did something to you, something horrible that stripped you of what— what's supposed to be you, and took away your control and forced you into doing things because that's the only way that they'd stop and let you have control again and then decided that once you did what they asked that they wouldn't leave you alone, do they deserve to be punished? Should you want to kill them because that's the only way that maybe they'll finally leave you alone? They're not a good person, not in the slightest, I think. And they're on the ship, which, I know all of you are going to say go to security, they'll handle this but this is— beyond their area of jurisdiction because they haven't attacked you on the ship, and they've left you alone because you asked them to, but I don't know if they'll go back on their word or attack me again. If I do something wrong, they would, and—

I've had to do things for them on the ship because they wanted something and I could make it so they could get it because people trust me, and I've been doing it and I think they almost have it.

Do any of you know what it's like to be stuck between two options where one ends in someone hurting you in so many ways because they know every weakness you have and knows how to exploit them and the other has you betraying people and manipulating them in ways that you find yourself feeling guilty about? I just keep lying and hoping no one finds out and it's different than just acting like nothing's wrong because that's at least denial this is just being backed into a corner where I feel like I'm as bad as the person I'm helping. To where I think maybe I'm as evil as they are, because I'm using all these people too and if they deserve to die or be punished in ways that are deemed torture, I do too don't I?

Because I'm no better than them. Everything they've done to me, I've done my version of it to other people and I hate just want to make it all go away. I know how to kill them now, but I can't do it, can I? I don't deserve to get away from this, not after what I've done. Even if I want to. Even if I could.

[ ooc | cut texted purely because of the sensitive subject matter that has to do with what is basically abuse, general assault of a minor and sexual themes. if any of these are triggers, pass on by, or if you choose to read tread very carefully. ]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I would never condone taking another life if other options are present. You also don't deserve continued suffering at this person's hands. Perhaps security isn't the answer, but this is a burden you shouldn't bear alone.

Even if the other options don't achieve the same effect?

Sharing a burden means more collateral damage.

In some cases, there are no other options. It comes to a matter of whether or not you could live with your actions. And their consequences. Sometimes that's a price that must be paid. You'll simply have to choose someone willing to pay it.

Weighing the pros and cons essentially.

They're willing to pay but maybe I'm not wiling to have them pay it. Because I know how steep the price is and even if I tell them they can't fully understand.

In a manner of speaking. I believe you should give them the opportunity. One mustn't always have complete understanding to offer support.

I feel more comfortable knowing they know what they're getting into completely and that they won't suddenly be surprised midway through things.

Perhaps you're underestimating them?

I have to know what they're capable of before I try manipulating them. Or at least that's the rule when it comes to manipulating people.

The point is I'm decidedly aware of their weaknesses and strengths and what they're capable of.

I was referring to those you might confide in. Perhaps you aren't giving them enough credit. They may understand more than you realize.

There's a little bit of an overlap with the people I'd confide in and the ones I manipulate.

They've never been in this position.

And you'll never be certain how they would handle it, if you never grant them the opportunity.

Have you ever had to do that?

Put someone I loved in a precarious position? Yes. I have.

Were they alive at the end of everything?

Some fared better than others.

third molotov cocktail made ☾ ( anonymous text | locked against anyone from beacon hills )

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