ataraxion | 005; video

[Hello again, Tranquility. Blake's face is probably not a popular one, after his last appearance, but today he looks tired and remorseful instead of angry. So that's an improvement, right? Indeed, he wouldn't even be doing this except he knows he owes it to everyone. So he definitely looks like a man who is biting the bullet – a particularly unpleasant, embarrassing one.]

I know a lot of you were really confused and angry over my last network post. I'm sure many of you would rather not give me the time of day right now, and that's fair enough. I don't deserve much, after the things I said and did. I certainly don't deserve or expect forgiveness for them. But I owe it to everyone to apologize, so that's what I'm doing.

[Here he glances away momentarily. He hates talking about... private things, about feelings, but this is his responsibility right now.]

I wore my mask. A few times. It was a really bad call on my part, but at the time I thought that would be the best way to figure out what it did. Be the guinea pig, I guess. I didn't anticipate the consequences. Every minor annoyance became a major problem, became something that I needed to blame someone for, and my brain-to-mouth filter was completely removed.

I don't say this to excuse myself – there is no excuse for what I said, because those were still my words, or what I did, because those were always my actions. I was in control of myself, albeit in an altered state. It was still me making those choices, and they were bad ones, and I take full responsibility for them.

That said, I don't actually believe the things I said. There are always issues, problems, points of contention, in any community, but I sincerely believe that most of the people on this ship are doing their best to help everyone, to figure this out and get us home. What I said, the way I acted, I learned a long time ago that those things are not productive. It was stupid of me, and I'm sorry.

I really can't say it enough: I'm sorry.

((ooc: so Blake has been noticeably absent both on the network and on the Tranquility in general since his angry post of anger. Pretty much the only thing he's been doing are his security patrols; otherwise he's basically been in his room, brooding, not talking to anyone he normally talks to. Feel free to comment on this!))

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Forgive my contradiction, but it seemed terribly specific to be "misdirected." If you think those things, fine; you would do better to give them voice.

The fact that you annoy me sometimes doesn't give me the right to lash out at you like that. A lot of people annoy me sometimes. I annoy myself sometimes. That's part of being an adult.

If I have an opinion to give, you know I'm not afraid to voice it. But in a more civil and productive manner than what happened before the last jump.

Sir, you identified me as being the source of the problem in Security and hit me in the face. You characterized me as smug and malicious. Even with the magnification of the mask, those thoughts strike me as significantly more than the product of mere "annoyance."

I respect your intellect, Blake; I also know that when I'm speaking to you, I'm not speaking to some naif who operates off of assumptions rather than experience. You, like I, have experienced the reality of the world - and I prefer working with someone like that.

But I cannot work with someone who has no faith in me or my ideals. The reverse is true - but I believe in what you believe, and though there are material differences the moral core is the same. But by your words, you consider me worse than useless; you consider me a drain and a parasite.

I did hit you, and that was uncalled-for, and I apologize.

Here's what I think about you, Edgeworth: I think you've got a lot more to learn than you think you do, and sometimes that does make you smug. It can be annoying, yes. The mask, it made me look at that and assume you do what you do in bad faith, which I actually don't think.

I think you honestly believe what you say you believe, and I'm okay with that. It might not always be right, but no one is always right. We live, and we learn.

Take it as you will. You're not useless, you're not a parasite. You're trying just like the rest of us.

[He's been stewing in bitterness long enough - and his own mask has gone on his face long enough - that he's not contented with that answer.]

Smug how? When have I been less than courteous to you?

You're always polite, sure, even when you're being condescending. You're very sure of your worldview, it makes you unwilling to see the perspectives of others at times. Stubborn.

Is this what you wanted? A list of all your character flaws?

[There's a pause, but then he adds:]

Been wearing your mask?

[There's a pause; it might be rather ambiguous what question he's answering here.]

No.

Get rid of it. Lock it away and throw away the key, get someone willing to destroy it for you every day. Buddy system.

[Yeah, Blake would've responded that way no matter what Edgeworth's response was.]

It won't do you any good.

[And he's worn it enough, now, to feel...protective of it, after a fashion.]

Forgive me, sir; that has something of a stink of regret to it. Of, perhaps, overcompensation.

You bet your ass I regret wearing it.

Doesn't make what I say less true, but I'm not going to argue with you. It's your life, you make your choices. Just like I make mine.

But if you need someone to help you get rid of it, let me know.

[A slight pause, then - ]

Were there hallucinations for you?

Yes.

When I saw someone from back home, who I knew would be disappointed in me, that's part of what snapped me out of it.

All right

I mean it. You can trust me with it, if you need to.

[But it's already, foolishly, on, because he'd assumed that would be the end of the conversation. He'd thought that he could put it on and lose the strange coldness that came with it before interacting with another person again -

Ah well.

Edgeworth isn't always a particularly nice person, and he's very rarely a thoughtful person. He is never, however, a cruel person, and yet now (as he never really has before) he picks his words to do harm to someone who's not a friend by any stretch of the imagination but who is also not an enemy:]

I am given to understand that the shape is deliberate. Forgive me, Detective, but I'm not exactly about to place any more personal information about me into your hands. It's clear that, no matter that you were spurred on, betrayals are not alien to your nature.

Betrayal? [There are a lot of things he considers personal flaws - his stubbornness, his temper, his constant questioning of authority. But betrayal?]

If you want to think that, sure.

What did you consider what you said?

A very bad decision on my part. A mistake.

You give the answer of what it is to you, and only to you.

Of course, I wouldn't want to accuse someone of not looking at another's worldview based on little evidence of the same and next to no understanding how someone else's mind works - why, that would be simply absurd. But it does make one wonder.

If you feel betrayed, then I apologize.

That's it?

That's all I can do, at the moment.

Hopefully, I can prove my trustworthiness over time, but that's also partly contingent on you being willing to give me the chance.

[That seems reasonable, even with the anger he's feeling.]

Fine. We'll see.

Fair enough.

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