ataraxion | [TEXT] 001; Who put piss in my apple juice?

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[TEXT] 001; Who put piss in my apple juice?

oh wow, are we doing this again?
yeah, i don't have anything better than to do!
i'll just be right here in some strange place AGAIN!
bluh bluh bluh, this really sucks.
unless it's been three years?
oh, wow.
maybe i'm three years older?
i wonder why three years older me decided to get a tattoo of a number.
i don't think things are adding up...
i mean uh hello wouldn't a ghostbusters tattoo be even cooler??
oh!!!!!!!!
maybe this is like the numbers for the ghostbusters!
so now when anybody asks who're you going to call, i can just show them this number!
nice going older me.
boy, i'm really smart when i'm older!

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

We're in space. I don't think it's got anything to do with the game.

Yeah they got blankets. I got a room to myself too - you gotta call me Officer Strider now.

Oh, no! It's Officer Strider! You are sure to get all the ladies now! You will swap all the poop decks and then sail away with a boatload of popular and beautiful ladyfolk!

Permission to build a humongiganto blanket fort in your room, Officer Strider, sir?

I have to fight off the bitches with a goddamn spacestick and half a shitty sword. Glad you're here to be my wingman now, gotta have someone to take the freakier ones out for a spin.

Permission Granted, Sergeant Egbert, under orders that said fort must meet all requirements of Fucknormous and Plush, to be inspected upon completion.

Yes, sir! Sergeant Egbert, ready for fort-building and wingman duty!

Ha ha... I'm really glad you're here, Dave. I am pretty sure I would still be flipping the fuck out. Also, maybe I would have gotten lost. And it wouldn't have been so blankety.

Naw man, first rule of being chill is no flipping the fuck out allowed. Flippage of shit is only allowed under extreme circumstances, like being buried in puppet ass, or finding your blanket fort isn't nearly big enough, that clear?

Yes, sir, Officer Strider, sir! Lead the way!

Or maybe I should let you go first so you can hide away all your secret stuff you have in your room, like all your embarrassing secrets that I will find.

Are you going to start pawing through my underwear the moment you walk in, Jesus Christ. There isn't anything to hide, because I don't have anything. Boring as shit here.

That is really gross, and I would not touch your underwear for any amount of Boonbucks.

You have to have some embarrassing things. Don't think you can fool me by pretending you don't. Maybe you're secretly harvesting a love for Nick Cage that you don't feel like you can tell me.

Even the idea of owning anything adorned with his gaunt face makes me want to barf, hell no.

Or maybe you have a list of all the embarrassing secrets tucked somewhere in your room!

Like "I'm Dave Strider, and I am very uncool!"

You wish, even my underwear drawer is oozing more cool than you can possibly handle.

You are talking about your underwear for a lot more than I think I want to talk about it!

Do you at least have snacks in your room? But not any baked goods. If I see any baked goods, I might have to take disciplinary action.

Every square inch of my personal property is slathered in icing and constructed from funfetti cake mix, its sweet spongy embrace welcomes me to sleep every night upon its sugary, disgusting surface.

I think I hoarded some chips or something.

Oh, wow, they still have chips in the future! If we are in the future. Maybe we are in the past? But I'm glad they have chips in the past, too.

Do they have televisions or anything around here, Officer Sugary Sweet Strider?

[The mention of time actually does get him to pause his mad cake-fueled rant and serious the fuck up. Shit's important, that's his job.]

938 AE. After Earth. And I guess for us suckers it counts as a present. I can't tell you much more than that date, which kind of makes me fucking useless as the time guy too, but that's all I got.

. . . Sorry.

Sorry for what?

I mean, it sucks that Earth is gone, but you're here with me? We can be total mad beasts when we're together. It will be so mad. And I know my... he wasn't on Earth, either, and it wouldn't have mattered, so there's that!

So don't be sorry, Dave.

[lets just carefully skirt any Ex-Guardians for now]

Probably not even our Earth. This probably isn't even our Universe, but don't ask me for details on that, it isn't my specialty. Just going with my gut on this one.

I believe you. I mean, we can always ask Jade? But I'll believe you, and I don't really care if you don't know about time and space and other weird stuff like that?

You are not the time guy to me. You are just Dave and I think that you are way smart. Not everyone gets to have a friend who is smarter than them! So I am very lucky.

[It takes him a minute to answer. Feelings are hard dang!!!!]

Whatever you want to do, I've got your back. You want to rip this place apart top to goddamn hellmouth bottom, I'll be carrying your damn flag, you want to live buried in Tranquility crew quarters for the next fifty years, we're gonna get overweight and mourn our fucking receding hairlines together, if you want to throw yourself out the damn airlock, I'm two steps behind you.

Shucks, hooey! What am I supposed to say to something like that? It is so gross in here! You're such a loser, Dave.

But if I throw myself out of an airlock, you shouldn't follow me! You've watched the movies and you know what happens, and it's so gross and kinda cool but really gross. I have my windy thing so I'll be all right! But if I'm not, you will have to carry on the Egbert legacy and watch all the great movies for me because I'm not there and it is a shame those legends should go with no one watching them. And you should live because you're a great guy and maybe one day there'll be little Striders running around! You can tell them about Uncle Egbert and Uncle Cage.

. . . I've got some bad news for you, dude.

Oh, no.

Did I already throw myself out of an airlock?

There's not a single Nic Cage movie up here. No Willis, no Murray, no Jessica Parker, no one you know.

Ha ha ha ha ha! What a great joke, Dave! Ha ha ha ha ha ha! It is so hilarious! I cannot stop laughing, that is how hilarious it is! It is like hilarity rolled up into a ball! You are such a jokester, Dave! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Shit.

I knew this would happen. Fuck I shouldn't have told you. You would have found out on your own, would have been so much fucking easier. Shit.

[TEXT] 001; Who put piss in my apple juice?

if im not having at least three simultaneous conversations with you at once i get barfley

yes i enjoy talking to daove

wow get out johnfle!!!! scarflohn??

it can be scaofle or jaohn but not scarlohn...

why are we combining everything with my name are we merging into one being

your name is just so short and easy...

ur short and easy!!!

i am long and hard ;)

how long is yours how long is yours how long is yours how long is yours

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iyaan its so big

i pagestretched my own page like an idiot....

good jorb

I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT WE WERE TALKING ABOUT

dicks possibly????

why are we always talking about dicks

we can talk about pugs in space instead

so is yours shaped like a log or

yeah and kinda wrinkley

and a little purple you should look into that

yeah im getting it checked out soon its starting to get itchy

if it's still hard though we can use it as an ironing board

yeah stiff as can be

let me sit on it but not in it

just rub it a little itll get better

how do you feel when i rub it

it feels good like you really care about me

that's good because i'm lying

(no subject)

WOW GUESS IM WAY TOO FAST FOR U 2 SLO 2 LIVE

IT WAS ONE MINUTE APART HOW LOSER CAN YOU GET except i've done that i'm sad