ataraxion | [TEXT] 001; Who put piss in my apple juice?

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[TEXT] 001; Who put piss in my apple juice?

oh wow, are we doing this again?
yeah, i don't have anything better than to do!
i'll just be right here in some strange place AGAIN!
bluh bluh bluh, this really sucks.
unless it's been three years?
oh, wow.
maybe i'm three years older?
i wonder why three years older me decided to get a tattoo of a number.
i don't think things are adding up...
i mean uh hello wouldn't a ghostbusters tattoo be even cooler??
oh!!!!!!!!
maybe this is like the numbers for the ghostbusters!
so now when anybody asks who're you going to call, i can just show them this number!
nice going older me.
boy, i'm really smart when i'm older!

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Or maybe you have a list of all the embarrassing secrets tucked somewhere in your room!

Like "I'm Dave Strider, and I am very uncool!"

You wish, even my underwear drawer is oozing more cool than you can possibly handle.

You are talking about your underwear for a lot more than I think I want to talk about it!

Do you at least have snacks in your room? But not any baked goods. If I see any baked goods, I might have to take disciplinary action.

Every square inch of my personal property is slathered in icing and constructed from funfetti cake mix, its sweet spongy embrace welcomes me to sleep every night upon its sugary, disgusting surface.

I think I hoarded some chips or something.

Oh, wow, they still have chips in the future! If we are in the future. Maybe we are in the past? But I'm glad they have chips in the past, too.

Do they have televisions or anything around here, Officer Sugary Sweet Strider?

[The mention of time actually does get him to pause his mad cake-fueled rant and serious the fuck up. Shit's important, that's his job.]

938 AE. After Earth. And I guess for us suckers it counts as a present. I can't tell you much more than that date, which kind of makes me fucking useless as the time guy too, but that's all I got.

. . . Sorry.

Sorry for what?

I mean, it sucks that Earth is gone, but you're here with me? We can be total mad beasts when we're together. It will be so mad. And I know my... he wasn't on Earth, either, and it wouldn't have mattered, so there's that!

So don't be sorry, Dave.

[lets just carefully skirt any Ex-Guardians for now]

Probably not even our Earth. This probably isn't even our Universe, but don't ask me for details on that, it isn't my specialty. Just going with my gut on this one.

I believe you. I mean, we can always ask Jade? But I'll believe you, and I don't really care if you don't know about time and space and other weird stuff like that?

You are not the time guy to me. You are just Dave and I think that you are way smart. Not everyone gets to have a friend who is smarter than them! So I am very lucky.

[It takes him a minute to answer. Feelings are hard dang!!!!]

Whatever you want to do, I've got your back. You want to rip this place apart top to goddamn hellmouth bottom, I'll be carrying your damn flag, you want to live buried in Tranquility crew quarters for the next fifty years, we're gonna get overweight and mourn our fucking receding hairlines together, if you want to throw yourself out the damn airlock, I'm two steps behind you.

Shucks, hooey! What am I supposed to say to something like that? It is so gross in here! You're such a loser, Dave.

But if I throw myself out of an airlock, you shouldn't follow me! You've watched the movies and you know what happens, and it's so gross and kinda cool but really gross. I have my windy thing so I'll be all right! But if I'm not, you will have to carry on the Egbert legacy and watch all the great movies for me because I'm not there and it is a shame those legends should go with no one watching them. And you should live because you're a great guy and maybe one day there'll be little Striders running around! You can tell them about Uncle Egbert and Uncle Cage.

. . . I've got some bad news for you, dude.

Oh, no.

Did I already throw myself out of an airlock?

There's not a single Nic Cage movie up here. No Willis, no Murray, no Jessica Parker, no one you know.

Ha ha ha ha ha! What a great joke, Dave! Ha ha ha ha ha ha! It is so hilarious! I cannot stop laughing, that is how hilarious it is! It is like hilarity rolled up into a ball! You are such a jokester, Dave! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Shit.

I knew this would happen. Fuck I shouldn't have told you. You would have found out on your own, would have been so much fucking easier. Shit.

I don't know what you are talking about, other than your really stupid joke! Because I wouldn't be upset at all that these assclowns didn't just put me here even though I was on a very important mission and I don't even get something from home! It's like a game of who else can take something important away from John day! Wow, why don't we just shit all over his cool posters, too? Oh, wait, we already did! It is a great day! Your jokes are really hilarious! I can't stop laughing!

[not saying anything just watching you lose your shit about nic cage

judging silently]

God.

Today just really sucks. It's like, the top twenty days of sucking! Maybe fifty, I don't know, it's just a blowhole of suckitude.

[still silent

one eyebrow raises up slowly]

Shut up, Dave! I know you're a dick but I am really upset and you really suck right now. I'm just going to go, because this really sucks a lot of ass and I actually have to try and find my room.

[ turns around and leaves the lockers ]

[ comes back inside ]

Okay, I'm still really mad at you, but I know you don't get it and you're probably dealing a lot behind those cool kid shades and I'm just going to stay with you and make sure you're okay but I am still angry!

But we should totally play Candyland or something if they have that, or we can make our own awesome board.

[totally pretending to have not been following like a lost dog because thats really uncool]

How the fuck is it my fault you've got shitty taste and this place has got a shitty selection? Fine, we'll play fucking Candyland or whatever shitty rip-off they have, but it's not because I think you're actually mad at me, I just want to kick your ass at children's games.

Edited 2012-01-20 07:52 (UTC)

I'm not really mad at you anymore. I'm just going through some weird stuff and it's really weird, but we are very much cool now. I'm sorry for yelling at you, Dave, it is not your fault this ship has not been graced with Nick Cage. The movies aren't even that important, I have them all in my head... it just reminded me of some dumb stuff. But it's super dumb.

Anyway, if we make our own Candyland, I totally get to make a Dave piece and he'll stuff himself with so many lollipops, he won't even be able to stand sugar ever again, he will be like the sugar man except with even more sugar.

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[TEXT] 001; Who put piss in my apple juice?

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iyaan its so big

i pagestretched my own page like an idiot....

good jorb

I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT WE WERE TALKING ABOUT

dicks possibly????

why are we always talking about dicks

we can talk about pugs in space instead

so is yours shaped like a log or

yeah and kinda wrinkley

and a little purple you should look into that

yeah im getting it checked out soon its starting to get itchy

if it's still hard though we can use it as an ironing board

yeah stiff as can be

let me sit on it but not in it

just rub it a little itll get better

how do you feel when i rub it

it feels good like you really care about me

that's good because i'm lying

no subject

WOW GUESS IM WAY TOO FAST FOR U 2 SLO 2 LIVE

IT WAS ONE MINUTE APART HOW LOSER CAN YOU GET except i've done that i'm sad