ataraxion | [voice] eridan's guide to people watching

[Eridan's almost like clockwork, in that he posts pretty consistently right after every jump. In this case, though, he's not bothering with text - probably because he is going to be rambling way too much and he doesn't want people railing on him for typin like a complete fuckin tool.

This time, he's going with voice. Because this amount of catty rambling can't be texted. There is, though, an underlying tone - like he's rambling because he needs to keep his mouth moving or else he's going to be extra grade stupid. It probably has nothing to do with anything that might've happened this past month, no siree.]

Runnin' commentary on all'a you still stuck dowwn here, doin' wwhatevver the fuck you're doin', because I'm fuckin' bored an' I don't see any fuckin' horns that aren't mine or Nep's, makin' this jump, just like evvery other one, a complete fuckin' wwaste'a time.

Okay so basically, first wwe've got evveryone wwho's used to this. Most'a you just kind'a stumble out, look around an' get your naked fuckin' asses to the lockers. Seriously, okay, from noww on someone has to start putting towwels out right the fuck awway, because I'm sick'a lookin' at all'a you bein' fuckin' naked. [BLECH gross humans.] An' I'm seriously gonna havve to just come up to you people next jump an' use my security position to force you to get hair cuts because ugh. That's gotta suck cleanin' outta your hair. Especially you, curly-haired asshole wwho nevver stops makin' fun'a me. [TAKE THAT, SHERLOCK.]

Man, a wwhole fuckin' lot'a these newwbies are flippin' their coddamn thinkpans like this is the most bizarre shit to evver happen to 'em. That one guy is like tryin' to break the gravv couch open - oh, there he goes, haha, fuck, did he just fall? ...Ouch, actually that looked like it kind'a hurt, he's bleedin' an' shit, medical should get a look at him. Jeeze, though, get a fuckin' haircut, wwhat the fuck evven. Some girl is like, flippin' out on the ground, wwhat is your deal, lady, this isn't that fuckin' scary, are you like... humming to yourself? ...Creepy. An' wwhy is that guy freakin' out? Cripes, sayin' no a million times isn't gonna make this not happen, jeeze.

Oh yeah, an' there's that jerk wwho wwas makin' fun'a my accent, wwell fuck you, I tried bein' nice for once an' I got nothin' for it. An' there's that neurotic crazy redhead wwho wwas all, "Oh noooo, wwe're all gonna kill each other 'cos wwe've got secrets, oh nooo!" Evveryone has secrets, stop bein' stupid about it. Like you evven told us your shit.

Still no other horns. Nobody looks fuckin' evvil, either, so I guess they wwere tellin' the truth about the demon thing.

[Long pause.] So basically, wwelcome to the Tranquility if you're neww, stop fuckin' freakin' out because you just look like an asshole, an' in case you didn't knoww, some'a us aren't human so use due fuckin' respect, okay?

Um.

If anyone sees anybody wwith horns, lemme knoww, okay? I still don't' see anyone but not all the couches are open and... [He sounds suddenly really nervous.} It's just kind'a important, I guess.

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No, I still don't evven knoww wwhat that means, an' I'm a prince, okay? So fuck off, you don't knoww me. [he's going to develop a complex here pretty quick]

Whatever you say, your Highness. [ g-gigglesnort. Did you seriously just say 'you don't know me?' ]

Wwhy does no one evver believe me? [yes he totally did it's pretty much his catchphrase around these parts.]

Have you listened to yourself recently?

I listen to myself all the time. [:\ who doesn't]

And nothing seems, I don't know, neurotic to you?

No? [wow the claws are coming out in his tone, we're going full blown jungle-cat with this bitch]

Well here's a tip. [ He's not even got his bitchpants on right now. ] Spaz out less, ramble less and get all flustered less and people will be less likely to think you're crazy.

[Eridan scowls.] Nobody thinks I'm crazy. Nobody evver thinks I'm crazy, an' wwhen they do, they find out they're wwrong pretty fuckin' fast.

I think you're crazy. [ Shrug. ]

You don't count, you still think I'm some human pretendin' to be an alien.

Or a mermaid. I mean, you could go either way. [ Guess who's been talking to Brian. ]

[oh my god...]

A wwhat.

[ Eridan doesn't get any references, so Justin just keeps going with it. ]

I think we could probably find you a clam bra and a little fin-skirt. I could see it.

[let's not get into skirts]

I already havve fins, you complete idiot, wwhy wwould I wwanna wwear somethin' wwith more on it? An' that pretty much tells me fuck all about wwhat you're tryin' to insinuate I am, by the wway.

Hold on.

[ It is easier for him to just show you. Please hold while Justin props the comm device up and pulls out his sketch pad and a pencil. Sketchsketchsketch. And a couple moment's later he props it up towards the camera aaaand: a picture. ]

[Eridan leans in and adjusts his glasses, squinting briefly before raising an eyebrow.] That's a mermaid? Looks kind'a like Gam's stupid lusus.

[ Blink. Blink. ] I'm going to need you to speak English if we're going to continue this conversation. [ Hello my name is Justin Taylor and I'm a hypocrite. ]

[Flatly,] It looks like one'a my friend's custodial animal caretakers. Except wwhere it's human.

...You have a friend with a custodial animal caretaker? [ What. ] ...Do they own a zoo?

All trolls have lusii. I had one, so did he, so did evvery troll, before they all died. Also, I'm not a fuckin' mermaid, I don't havve a fish tail or anythin' stupid like that. Wwhat wwould be the point? An' howw wwould that be biologically fuckin' possible?

...You all had zoos? [ Seriously, you said it's a custodial animal caretaker, what even ] Hence the fin skirt. To help you along that path.

I'm not wwearin' a fin skirt, that's ridiculous.

No, wwe had custodians wwho wwere animals. I mean, wwe had to fuckin' deal wwith them bein' animals an' all, but it's not like wwe had a fuckin' menagerie in our hivves.

So is purple hair and horns. Just putting that out there.

[ Brow just slowly raising higher as you continue on this rant. ] ...And you live in hives. Like bees?

[Eridan's left eye twitches. What the fuck is up with these people and bees lately?] No. Bees are stupid. Wwe just call our livvin' spaces that.

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