(no subject)

[majestyofthethrone]

How do you keep faith, here? How do you remember that God wants...how do you keep some kind of faith, keep from losing your mind with the things that happen to us?

My whole life I've heard God; all I had to do was listen and there He was, like music, like a symphony, and even when I was at the height of being terrified, there He was just working the notes of this great symphony. But then I followed that music, I followed Grigori, and I did something and now I can't hear anything, for the first time I've lost God and I just want Him back-

What if I did was unforgivable? What if saving another person isn't enough? What if what I did has stained my soul?

How do I keep believing that God loves me when I can't hear Him anymore?

How do you keep faith?

Comments

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[xerampelinae]

he wants you to listen to something else
what does he sound like to you?

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[majestyofthethrone]

Like music.

Like creation.

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[xerampelinae]

abstraction

he is in silence
he is in destruction

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[majestyofthethrone]

Inversions.

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[xerampelinae]

god is ineffable

he isn't music
or your lover

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[majestyofthethrone]

Excuse me.

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[xerampelinae]

you've lost him
you just want him back
god doesn't love me anymore

you're pining and it's pathetic

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[majestyofthethrone]

Then I'll be pathetic, but at least I'm not rude.

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[xerampelinae]

i'd like to help you
but your faith is conditional and therefore not faith

faith is standing on the edge of an abyss and screaming for mercy and guidance
and hearing nothing
and continuing to scream knowing that in the end you will know reward
faith is trust without proof
hearing and seeing him in the inversions
faith is being alone in all ways except in the warm and unshakeable knowledge that you are not
faith is love

so pray

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[majestyofthethrone]

If you could feel a fraction of what I felt every day since my voice was taken, you would know that prayer isn't enough.

That abstractions and inversions will never replace it.

Maybe I have no faith but I had certainty and now it's gone.

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[xerampelinae]

certainty can't be lost
or it was never certainty to begin with

you asked

do you think god's love is finite?

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[majestyofthethrone]

I think I have seen God turn His love away from those in his close quarters who disappoint him.

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[xerampelinae]

yes

what did you do

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[majestyofthethrone]

I don't know you.

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[xerampelinae]

i meant it when i said he wanted you to hear something else
if you were no longer hearing his music

perhaps he doesn't want you to hear his forgiveness
not yet
not unless you can forgive yourself

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[majestyofthethrone]

That doesn't mean I'm going to tell you what I did.

But your point is taken.

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[xerampelinae]

i wasn't trying to find out
i was trying to help

good luck