[text, anonymous]

[jurisimpudent]

One's memories of home begin to fade. One remembers certain things: the sound of the ocean, and the nighttime city, and a sky that isn't formed from sheet metal. One remembers, perhaps, the path one took to get home. One might remember the tune of one's favorite song. But the finer details slip away.

You know this place far better. The ship may be a mystery; it may shift without logic or reason; yet by this point is easier to grasp than our homes. We know the number of paces to get to side of the room to the other. We know the feeling of waking up from the Jump. We can't even hear the engines any longer because we know the sound too well. We can't remember the faces of our parents or our siblings, but we can summon the taste of those protein packs without any effort.

Is that why we continue on? Do we want to get back there? Do we want to see the sky again, walk the rooms of the homes we chose instead of the home we were forced to? Some might say yes, but there will be no real pleasure to it; when we wake up, if we wake up, it will be like any other day. Do we want to return to the good works we left behind? That's a fallacy, though, because there's evidence enough that everything continued on without us, uninterrupted. Time either froze, or time never missed us at all. Things progress as though we were there.

When I go back, I will turn into someone despicable. I've learned that from others. I'll forget everything I learned here, and I will bloody my hands. I will become a wretched man. And as soon as I arrive there, as soon as we're freed, that's where my life will begin again.

I've spent a long time trying to determine what unites us all. Perhaps it's a single, defining character trait: we're all brought here because we are irrational survivors. Because in spite of the fact that there is nothing for us here save dreary suffering, and in spite of the fact that whether we return home or not all things will be the same, we continue on. Against reason, against logic, we continue to struggle - for the sake of the memories slipping away from us, or for the sake of some absurd misplaced sense of duty, or for the sake of simple habit.

So. Why do you keep on?

Comments

[jurisimpudent]

Because I do not wish to be identified.

[doggedly]

you do realise that makes it difficult for anyone to advise you on the bit about what you go on to do

i mean its your business yeah but think about it

[jurisimpudent]

[A slight pause.]

People die by my hand. Is that sufficient enough to advise?

[doggedly]

[Sufficient, and pretty serious. Presumably.]

and who told you that

[jurisimpudent]

I saw it written.

[doggedly]

anyone can write down anything
who showed it to you & how did they know
theyre from your future?

[jurisimpudent]

Yes. They're from my future. And they came to acquire files.

[doggedly]

and you trust them and you trust the files and you trust whoever wrote those files

[jurisimpudent]

Yes.

[doggedly]

then youre an idiot

[jurisimpudent]

How am I an idiot for believing trustworthy information?

[doggedly]

because people dont know what theyre talking about
they can be bloody well assured that they do, they can think that they do, but they dont

and its idiotic to trust something just because its been put down on a bit of paper and passed around as fact

[jurisimpudent]

This was from a verified record. There was not much ambiguity there.

[doggedly]

of course theres ambiguity it hasnt happened

[jurisimpudent]

For other people it has. And you know perfectly well that when we go home things just progress like they were going to.

[The moment he sends that off, though, he remembers who he's talking to - and he feels suddenly ill with guilt. How many time has he reassured Sirius - it will be different, it will be different...And now, as soon as he's able to hide, he just drops that optimism.]

[doggedly]

[It's his own fate that he's arguing--or, really, moreover and more importantly: James' fate. That makes him extra combative.]

no we dont know that
thats what everyone says happens but not everyone comes back from going home
and not everyone knows what the hell theyre talking about

time doesnt work that way

[jurisimpudent]

Do you know much about time, then? Time travel, the like?

[doggedly]

i know enough
and i know prophecies can be shit

[jurisimpudent]

It's not a prophecy, though. Not precisely.

[doggedly]

yeah and its not something thats happened yet either
its something written on a bloody piece of paper
that doesnt make it true no matter who wrote it and when

[jurisimpudent]

I believe it, though. It makes sense with who I was before coming here.

[doggedly]

space makes that big a difference?

[jurisimpudent]

What I have experienced has, yes.

[doggedly]

then youll have to remember

[jurisimpudent]

As though it were so simple.