ataraxion | first story

[ When the feed switches on, Roy is sitting, as always, in his bed in the medbay. His tablet is seated on the table in front of him, and Roy has his arms folded neatly on his lap. ]

You know, I think life on a spaceship in space should be the least thing from boring. [ He pauses, and chuckles, a bitter sound. ] But then again, there's never anything to do for a guy who can't walk. It's a good thing I'm so good at entertaining myself.

[ He cracks a smile. It's an ugly expression. ]

I've been reading. Useful things, these tablets, the way they store so many books so you don't have to bug anyone else to try to bring you some while you're stuck in bed. [ Dramatic pause. ]

There's this book I read about a young man named Werther. He falls in love with a girl named Lotte, and she has the most beautiful black eyes. [ His smile softens at the edges. ] He's passionately, deeply in love with her, and he would have married her, but from their very first meeting she tells him that she's already engaged to another man, named Albert.

Werther tries, oh he tries, to be a good friend to both of them. But he loves Lotte too much, so eventually he has to go away to somewhere else. But he can't stay away for long, so he goes back to Lotte and Albert and realises they have gone and gotten themselves married. [ At this point of his narration, Roy laughs, and he turns away from the camera, looking off to the distance. ] Lotte tells Werther that she can't see him much anymore, because she's married now, you see.

"Life's blossoms are only appearances. So many pass and leave not a trace, so few of their fruits set, so few of those ripen." Or so Werther says. There's nowhere left for him to go. He can't have her; he can't kill Albert so he can have her; he can't stop loving her either. There's only one thing he can do. So Werther shoots himself in the head. [ He looks back to the camera, looks beyond it, and takes a glass of water and sips at it. ]

It's the best possible thing that could've happened to him. [ Is Roy talking about Werther anymore? He doesn't even know himself. ] If he didn't shoot himself, he'll be constantly reminded of what he can't have, everything he has lost. You see, there's nothing quite so painful than to have to keep breathing when every breath turns out to be... [ he makes a gesture in the air ] hollow.

[ A pause, and he smiles again. Changes the subject. ]

On the subject of books, I'm looking for a poem by a man named Keats. Something about a nightingale? Does anyone know it? [ He tilts his head, and gives another hollow smile. ] It won't stop bugging me.

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[ He grins. ]

Takeshi's Mister Ned. [ He cocks his head to the side. ] Aren't you?

[ He's feeling contrary today. ]

[Mouth open, and mouth closed with a snap. Not the answer he was expecting, at all, but even he's surprised that he's fine with it. Kind of weirdly proud but he's not going to pause to examine it under the scrutiny of someone as goddamned observant as this guy.]

Ah. Yeah. He's my...

[Some sort of half-shrug because he's really not sure how to define it any more.]

[ If confronted, Roy will say that he's not at all observant. It's not that he has much else to do except to think, to watch, to look back on the entries of the tablet. It makes the ticking of the clock quieter in his head. It's easy enough to put the pieces together, and honestly- honestly, Roy doesn't care enough anything to truly be shocked by what someone else.

(And he's in space. What is impossible seems possible. Why not people who call themselves countries.)

He raises an eyebrow now, though. ]

You're supposed to finish a sentence once you begin it. [ Helpfully. ]

[Well shit. He can guess his expression, and he probably looks like he's been sentenced to (yet another) death. There's really no reason that this fucker that he barely knows gets the rights, gets the front row seat to the ongoing play between what he wants to admit to and what he's terrified of admitting to - out here, he's Takeshi's - father.

He resents it. Not Takeshi, never Takeshi, but the kid isn't just his adopted citizen any more and this guy has just called him out without realizing. (Or maybe not. And that's worse. Roy probably knows and that makes it a challenge.)

So, fine. He grits his teeth, one second to steel himself, and goes on.]

My son.

[No reason to add on words that want to come, like out here or for now because those are just excuses, ways to obscure the truth. That he has to admit it to someone that he doesn't think deserves to hear just because he threw down the gauntlet... yeah, he's resentful. This wasn't the first person he wanted to tell, even if it had been decided in the back of his mind the moment Takeshi hadn't woken up along with the rest of the ship.]

[ It's almost like a drama unfolding before his eyes, a silent movie that takes place on Nederlands's face. Though, he thinks, the man would make a terrible actor for the pictures - too subtle, and no one will be able to see what he's thinking, not even in close-ups.

Maybe it's more like theatre then. Whatever it is, Roy is intrigued, and he leans in even further. ]

That's very sweet. [ He drawls out the words, the smile on his face sharp and an obvious challenge. ] You don't have to worry, though, because I'm not going to tell anyone.

[ Unsaid is: Who will I tell, really?

And he drops back onto the bed, a little. ]

Strange, isn't it, [ almost idly ] this place? Where even countries can have children. I thought all you all do is colonise.

[He starts to lean back, some subconscious alarm telling him to get away, but. Oh, oh no. It's obvious that Roy is playing with him, and to him, it's obvious that the guy isn't treating Takeshi like he should. Which turns out to be of paramount importance, and he's just learning it, so if he looks surprised because he's still sitting and taking it... Well. He is.

The shit you do for kids, huh.]

He's not like them -

[As soon as he says it, realizes it, the shock is on his face. Takeshi really isn't like the rest. The kid isn't a colony, the kid is. His kid. Not even one of Japan's any more, not even adopted, certainly not a citizen.

Also, he really wants to punch Roy in the nose. Why the hell is he allowing this asshole front row tickets to a show he didn't even know was going to happen. Is fucking - orchestrating. So Roy knows how he feels for Takeshi, and Roy knows what he is, and maybe who he is. Ugh. Whatever. He doesn't want to talk about himself.]

What are you doing, talking to him, anyway.

[ Roy cocks his head to the side. Should he be honest or should he mess with his head more? Or should he be honest and mess with his head?

No contest. ]

He made a post about having a chip in his head. [ Almost casually, though if Ned is listening closely enough, he can hear the tension that Roy is trying to hide. He does care about the kid. ] Everyone was freaking out, so I figured that I should be a little creative. Give him something else to talk about.

[ He gives a half-shrug at the end. ]

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oh my god this tag has been sitting here complete for days I forgot to press send

HAHAHAH i have done that myself. no worries, bb