ataraxion | Video. 5.

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Video. 5.

Just in case anyone was wondering, I didn't grow a beard and I didn't acquire an alarming amount of sass.

[ That's a good way to start, Ned. ]

Face-alikes are as common as common can get around here, but I'm not one for big jokes. If the beard isn't a reliable tell, let it be his jokes. Here's a joke: Why did the chicken cross the road? [ Wait for it, wait for itttt... ] Not sure, I don't eat chicken.

PSA done, Pie Maker out.

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No good, unfortunately, I'm hideously, tragically allergic to all pie-related ingredients.

[WHAT A SHAME, TO BE SO ALLERGIC

TO PIE

SPECIFICALLY PIE]

That's terrible.

[ NO REALLY.

HE LOOKS ASTONISHED, OH MY GOD. ]

[this is kinda funny]

Oh, it is. I have so many allergies, I don't even bother eating most things; have to take special supplemental vitamins just to survive. Why do you think I'm so pale? It's just awful.

Just awful.

[ NO, IT'S T E R R I B L E. He looks so crushed. ]

Oh, don't look like that; I'm sure there are plenty of other people around here who appreciate your pies. Unless you're awful at making pies--then nevermind, sorry.

Well, thanks for that. But that's a lot to miss out on.

Then again, I'm a vegetarian. [ He would love meat, but... he doesn't want it tap-dancing in his mouth.]

I've gotten used to--

[He stops, zeroing in on 'vegetarian'

vegetarian

HA.

HAHA. HA. He forgot about that part of home.]

Oh, I see.

I suppose around here, a vegetarian is the best thing to be.

Eh.

[ He sounds really indifferent. Really. God, he would be eating everything if he could. No one could stop him.

Not even...

~~Squirdward's house~~ Chuck. ]

Eh? No, not at all just eh. If there's meat around here, where the hell would it even be coming from? Better watch out for creepy space food.

[BECAUSE THAT'S OBVIOUSLY THE NEXT THING TO GET US

SPACE FOOD POISONING.

... well for you guys anyway.]

Those creatures, maybe? [ A

hah. ] Nevermind, that wasn't funny.

... I did wonder how they would have tasted as patties.

[it's totally funny

you got a little vampire humor in ya' yet, boy

(only garrett is like... 3/4's not joking]

No, Garrett. No.

[ NO. ]

You're the one who brought it up, I'm just considering some alternatives in case we almost starve. [Which is obviously why he's smiling like he's just being a troll.] But do we even have buns?

Never checked, actually. [ A little thoughtful at that suggestionNO. ]

Who knows where they have been? Dark space corners, that's where!

Dark space corners indeed: I've went out looking for them, but they only like to pop out to tear an arm or two off people before vanishing again. They're smarter than people give credit for.

I think maybe they'd rather turn us into patties.

Thank you for that, Garrett. Bless your soul.

Bah, I have no soul. What, not a fan of being someone else's lunch?

I bet you do. And of course, who is?

Doubtful.

[SO THERE.

more importantly, an asshole reply:]

Maybe the impalas and wildebeest like being chewed on. I never hear them complaining.

Why?

I don't think you're the spokesperson for them. [ ALL VERY QUICK, that's right, let's get this conversation going. No pauses. No hands. ]

[because i'm a monster you oblivious ninny

But he kinda' ignores the first part because why is a loaded gun that should not be fiddled with because that might make Garrett say things that are actually serious and important to him and all that. Feelings are for wimpy humans ~~and the Cullens~~, not vampires.

ALL VERY QUICK THOUGH LET'S GO]

I don't think they have very many spokespeople in general, they're too busy being tasty and defenseless.

[LIKE HUMANS

--wait]

Are you the spokesperson for chewy impalas now?

I don't think either of us arYOU did not answer my question.

[ HEY. ]

You are far to invested in a snarky offhand comment! Because I say mean things about human patties and chewy impalas?

[totally a legit reply]

I know when someone is avoiding the answer to a question, I do it all the time.

[ And no, he does not sound proud. ]

You don't sound too proud of that fact.

And I wasn't avoiding, I was ignoring. It was a weird question. simple answer: You're the pleasant one with a squishy nice soul made of fruity pie filling, I'm the unsoulful creepy mannequin from a certain holiday you seem to have a phobia to.

[that last bit, kiiiinda obvious]