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002 [VIDEO/TEXT]
[Oh. It's this guy again.
Though Wheatley is, at least, wearing clothes now, the concept of grooming seems to have escaped him entirely--he's arranged haphazardly in a chair, his jumpsuit is only half-zipped, he's unshaven and barefoot, his glasses are askew and his hair sticks out at odd angles in wet clumps--perhaps a "DOCTOR WATSON I AM CAPABLE OF A SHOWER" more than anything else.
Ladies.]
Uh, yes. Hello. As my, um. Colleague, HAL, so eloquently mentioned earlier, it is possible that some of you new arrivals might be experiencing a form of…bodily displacement. Don't be alarmed! Well. Do be alarmed, because this is, actually, rather alarming, but you're not alone! I'm one of you--provided you are an artificial intelligence or…a robot, or something of a computer-like nature. I am here to help.
See, once upon a time, I asked Doctor Watson if he could possibly provide me with a list of--of everything humans need to ensure continued survival. And--and do you know what he told me? Told me it couldn't be done. Said, [He lowers his voice--this is obviously his Watson impression.] "Wheatley, it can't be done". Told me to come see him, instead.
Did some thinking. Decided if there wasn't a list--and obviously the humans have no interest in making one--I could fill the void, as it were. Needed to learn how to type anyway, had my little mental catalogue of human design flaws, figured I could do that thing with the birds and the stones. So good news! There is a list now, based on my, um. Observations. And experiences. It exists, because I wrote it, even though they told me it couldn't be done. Did it anyway--that's me, every day, doing the impossible.
Right. Sending it out. To all of you. Nnnooow. Typed it up myself, did I mention that? Fingers.
◦ Breathing! You have to do it. Good news, though: automatic function, unless you start thinking about it. Don't think about it.
○ Constant recharging is necessary. It's like maintenance, only instead of at sensible intervals, it's all the time.
○ Doctor Watson says humans need to eat three times a day. America says he eats five or eight times a day? As long as you do it more than zero times within a 24-hour period, you should be fine.
○ Drinking is also a thing that needs to happen, also more than zero times.
○ Speaking of: I had my doubts, but it seems humans are waterproof, even on the inside.
○ So that's four things you have to do more than zero times a day: breathing, eating, drinking, and sleeping.
○ Sleeping is almost like powering down, but not really. At all.
○ Here's something nobody bothered to warn me about: When you sleep your brain plays back little video files of all the horrible things that have ever happened to you and you can't turn it off. Just thought I'd toss that in. You're welcome.
○ No off switch. For anything. Which is a shame, because humans could really benefit from an off switch. Or maybe just a switch that stops you from being hungry or thirsty. Or tired. Or a switch that keeps you from smelling things when you don't want to smell them.
○ Humans are somewhat obsessed with cleanliness. If you haven't taken a shower, I'd get on that right away, unless you like pitchers of water thrown in your face. Humans do that, sometimes.
○ Word of warning: Elbows and knees are only meant to bend one way. If it hurts, it's probably the wrong way.
○ Be careful with the zippers on the jumpsuits. I keep saying either the zippers need to go on the back of the jumpsuits or the dangly bits need to go somewhere else. They shouldn't both be on the front.
○ Humans like wearing clothes. Something about common decency, or something, but I walked around without them for the first few days and only a few people even noticed. I would consider it optional.
○ You're going to leak. A lot. From multiple orifices. This is supposedly normal, unless the liquid is red, in which case you are probably bleeding.
○ Related: Blood stays inside the body. Important.
○ Related, but less important: Sweating is awful. I want to find whoever invented sweating and deck them one.
○ Related again: I have fists now, I can do that.
○ Completely unrelated to the above, or to anything I may or may not have done to Boat Guy: The nose is very breakable. Not sure why humans have got something so fragile right in the middle of the face, but there you go.
○ In conclusion: humans produce an excessive amount of fluids and they are all inconvenient. I've counted at least six different kinds. Prepare yourselves.
Hopefully you'll find it educational, straight from one of your own. I mean, you could go down to medical. Absolutely nothing wrong with that. I do, however, have it on good account that the blokes there enjoy assaulting unsuspecting computers and tossing them in bathtubs without any--without any regard or--or consideration for hydrophobia that. May or may not have resulted from untold decades of being made entirely of metal and circuitry. Insensitive, that.
But, you know. Your choice. Don't say I didn't warn you.
[VIDEO OVER THE END. Wait no he's back.]
Oh, um. Mister Johnson wanted me to. Let everyone know that if you have not filled out an Enrichment Center Test Subject Application, please do so and send the completed form to either Mister Johnson or myself at 001-043 or 001-089, respectively. We appreciate your cooperation; thank you for helping us help you help us all.
Though Wheatley is, at least, wearing clothes now, the concept of grooming seems to have escaped him entirely--he's arranged haphazardly in a chair, his jumpsuit is only half-zipped, he's unshaven and barefoot, his glasses are askew and his hair sticks out at odd angles in wet clumps--perhaps a "DOCTOR WATSON I AM CAPABLE OF A SHOWER" more than anything else.
Ladies.]
Uh, yes. Hello. As my, um. Colleague, HAL, so eloquently mentioned earlier, it is possible that some of you new arrivals might be experiencing a form of…bodily displacement. Don't be alarmed! Well. Do be alarmed, because this is, actually, rather alarming, but you're not alone! I'm one of you--provided you are an artificial intelligence or…a robot, or something of a computer-like nature. I am here to help.
See, once upon a time, I asked Doctor Watson if he could possibly provide me with a list of--of everything humans need to ensure continued survival. And--and do you know what he told me? Told me it couldn't be done. Said, [He lowers his voice--this is obviously his Watson impression.] "Wheatley, it can't be done". Told me to come see him, instead.
Did some thinking. Decided if there wasn't a list--and obviously the humans have no interest in making one--I could fill the void, as it were. Needed to learn how to type anyway, had my little mental catalogue of human design flaws, figured I could do that thing with the birds and the stones. So good news! There is a list now, based on my, um. Observations. And experiences. It exists, because I wrote it, even though they told me it couldn't be done. Did it anyway--that's me, every day, doing the impossible.
Right. Sending it out. To all of you. Nnnooow. Typed it up myself, did I mention that? Fingers.
◦ Breathing! You have to do it. Good news, though: automatic function, unless you start thinking about it. Don't think about it.
○ Constant recharging is necessary. It's like maintenance, only instead of at sensible intervals, it's all the time.
○ Doctor Watson says humans need to eat three times a day. America says he eats five or eight times a day? As long as you do it more than zero times within a 24-hour period, you should be fine.
○ Drinking is also a thing that needs to happen, also more than zero times.
○ Speaking of: I had my doubts, but it seems humans are waterproof, even on the inside.
○ So that's four things you have to do more than zero times a day: breathing, eating, drinking, and sleeping.
○ Sleeping is almost like powering down, but not really. At all.
○ Here's something nobody bothered to warn me about: When you sleep your brain plays back little video files of all the horrible things that have ever happened to you and you can't turn it off. Just thought I'd toss that in. You're welcome.
○ No off switch. For anything. Which is a shame, because humans could really benefit from an off switch. Or maybe just a switch that stops you from being hungry or thirsty. Or tired. Or a switch that keeps you from smelling things when you don't want to smell them.
○ Humans are somewhat obsessed with cleanliness. If you haven't taken a shower, I'd get on that right away, unless you like pitchers of water thrown in your face. Humans do that, sometimes.
○ Word of warning: Elbows and knees are only meant to bend one way. If it hurts, it's probably the wrong way.
○ Be careful with the zippers on the jumpsuits. I keep saying either the zippers need to go on the back of the jumpsuits or the dangly bits need to go somewhere else. They shouldn't both be on the front.
○ Humans like wearing clothes. Something about common decency, or something, but I walked around without them for the first few days and only a few people even noticed. I would consider it optional.
○ You're going to leak. A lot. From multiple orifices. This is supposedly normal, unless the liquid is red, in which case you are probably bleeding.
○ Related: Blood stays inside the body. Important.
○ Related, but less important: Sweating is awful. I want to find whoever invented sweating and deck them one.
○ Related again: I have fists now, I can do that.
○ Completely unrelated to the above, or to anything I may or may not have done to Boat Guy: The nose is very breakable. Not sure why humans have got something so fragile right in the middle of the face, but there you go.
○ In conclusion: humans produce an excessive amount of fluids and they are all inconvenient. I've counted at least six different kinds. Prepare yourselves.
Hopefully you'll find it educational, straight from one of your own. I mean, you could go down to medical. Absolutely nothing wrong with that. I do, however, have it on good account that the blokes there enjoy assaulting unsuspecting computers and tossing them in bathtubs without any--without any regard or--or consideration for hydrophobia that. May or may not have resulted from untold decades of being made entirely of metal and circuitry. Insensitive, that.
But, you know. Your choice. Don't say I didn't warn you.
[VIDEO OVER THE END. Wait no he's back.]
Oh, um. Mister Johnson wanted me to. Let everyone know that if you have not filled out an Enrichment Center Test Subject Application, please do so and send the completed form to either Mister Johnson or myself at 001-043 or 001-089, respectively. We appreciate your cooperation; thank you for helping us help you help us all.
[video]
Oh. Oh. Um. Reproduction.
[GROSS...
NO SERIOUSLY SO GROSS]
I--I do have an. Academic understanding. Of it. Purely theoretical, of course.
video;
Seriously?
Who told you about it?
[ SOMEBODY IS STEALING HIS THUNDER... ]
[video]
Also, Belarus had a few things to say. On the subject.
video;
If some sexy chick came up to you and for some STRANGE unknown reason wanted to have sex with you-- I don't know, gingers are sort of a thing now-- but--
Would you know what to do?
[video]
Possibly.
[the most awkward of awkward pauses]
...No.
video;
Don't worry about it, man!
I'll explain to you step to step how it's done! Would that be cool? Aw yeah, you'll be scoring chicks in no time with the explanation from yours truly, dude!
It'd be cool, so we're gonna do this cause I said so!
OK, you gonna take notes? You should keep this stuff down, got it?
[video]
Intercourse is not really on the top of my to-do list.
video; 1.3
Dude. You don't know what you're missing out on!!
Here, give me a second! I'll show you how it'll go down!
video; 2.2
THIS SHOULD BE GOOD. ]
video; 3.3
It should look something like this---!!
What you think?? Pretty sexy, huh?
[video]
Are you--are you absolutely sure that's how it works?
[TIME TO DEFLECT] Who's the bloke in the second-to-last panel? Friend of yours?
video; 1.2
He will disable your ability to cook. Like at all.
And he shoots lazers from his brows that manipulate you to spell things wrong if you don't already. Like color with a U, or programs with a -mmes.
video; 2.2
Though... you have the kind of accent he like.. spawned. So more than likely you've been lied to you your entire life.
How do you spell COLOR?
[video]
[AND HERE IS YOUR TEXT.]
COLOR
[Meet fake programmed British from Michigan.]
Is that--is that okay?
video;
HAHHAA, fuck YEAH. That's what I like to see!
Right, so if you see England, protect yourself. He shoots lazers from his brows, and that's why they're so fuck-ugly and fat.
O.K, good. We just need to teach you to be even MORE American and then you'll surely pick up chicks.
And trust me, it'll look just like that illustration and you'll love it.
[video]
Right. I will, um. Keep that in mind. You've got some, ah. Strange friends.
Is there--is there a reason I should be interested in human females?
video; 1.2
And, you know, they make you sandwiches and throw tater tots in your mouth and suck your dick and lose at video games so you think you're awesome and are wow'd when you shoot a 375 Sig at the target range or lift a car over your head.
Duh.
video; 2.2
[video]
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Re: [video]
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video; threadjackin here too, feel free to ignore
[ why yes he's just angry that America beat him to the punch ]
Let me tell you about sex, my friend. Sex is important, and if you do not have it, you cannot stay healthy!
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[Oh god please don't tell him it's mandatory.]
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R-really? Are you--are you absolutely certain? Because I'm...I'm not a fan of the idea, if I'm honest.
LMFAOdfghdjksfhg i really need to play portal...
it is a Good Game
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