002 [VIDEO/TEXT]

[testgasm]

[Oh. It's this guy again.

Though Wheatley is, at least, wearing clothes now, the concept of grooming seems to have escaped him entirely--he's arranged haphazardly in a chair, his jumpsuit is only half-zipped, he's unshaven and barefoot, his glasses are askew and his hair sticks out at odd angles in wet clumps--perhaps a "DOCTOR WATSON I AM CAPABLE OF A SHOWER" more than anything else.

Ladies.]

Uh, yes. Hello. As my, um. Colleague, HAL, so eloquently mentioned earlier, it is possible that some of you new arrivals might be experiencing a form of…bodily displacement. Don't be alarmed! Well. Do be alarmed, because this is, actually, rather alarming, but you're not alone! I'm one of you--provided you are an artificial intelligence or…a robot, or something of a computer-like nature. I am here to help.

See, once upon a time, I asked Doctor Watson if he could possibly provide me with a list of--of everything humans need to ensure continued survival. And--and do you know what he told me? Told me it couldn't be done. Said, [He lowers his voice--this is obviously his Watson impression.] "Wheatley, it can't be done". Told me to come see him, instead.

Did some thinking. Decided if there wasn't a list--and obviously the humans have no interest in making one--I could fill the void, as it were. Needed to learn how to type anyway, had my little mental catalogue of human design flaws, figured I could do that thing with the birds and the stones. So good news! There is a list now, based on my, um. Observations. And experiences. It exists, because I wrote it, even though they told me it couldn't be done. Did it anyway--that's me, every day, doing the impossible.

Right. Sending it out. To all of you. Nnnooow. Typed it up myself, did I mention that? Fingers.

◦ Breathing! You have to do it. Good news, though: automatic function, unless you start thinking about it. Don't think about it.
○ Constant recharging is necessary. It's like maintenance, only instead of at sensible intervals, it's all the time.
○ Doctor Watson says humans need to eat three times a day. America says he eats five or eight times a day? As long as you do it more than zero times within a 24-hour period, you should be fine.
○ Drinking is also a thing that needs to happen, also more than zero times.
○ Speaking of: I had my doubts, but it seems humans are waterproof, even on the inside.
○ So that's four things you have to do more than zero times a day: breathing, eating, drinking, and sleeping.
○ Sleeping is almost like powering down, but not really. At all.
○ Here's something nobody bothered to warn me about: When you sleep your brain plays back little video files of all the horrible things that have ever happened to you and you can't turn it off. Just thought I'd toss that in. You're welcome.
○ No off switch. For anything. Which is a shame, because humans could really benefit from an off switch. Or maybe just a switch that stops you from being hungry or thirsty. Or tired. Or a switch that keeps you from smelling things when you don't want to smell them.
○ Humans are somewhat obsessed with cleanliness. If you haven't taken a shower, I'd get on that right away, unless you like pitchers of water thrown in your face. Humans do that, sometimes.
○ Word of warning: Elbows and knees are only meant to bend one way. If it hurts, it's probably the wrong way.
○ Be careful with the zippers on the jumpsuits. I keep saying either the zippers need to go on the back of the jumpsuits or the dangly bits need to go somewhere else. They shouldn't both be on the front.
○ Humans like wearing clothes. Something about common decency, or something, but I walked around without them for the first few days and only a few people even noticed. I would consider it optional.
○ You're going to leak. A lot. From multiple orifices. This is supposedly normal, unless the liquid is red, in which case you are probably bleeding.
○ Related: Blood stays inside the body. Important.
○ Related, but less important: Sweating is awful. I want to find whoever invented sweating and deck them one.
○ Related again: I have fists now, I can do that.
○ Completely unrelated to the above, or to anything I may or may not have done to Boat Guy: The nose is very breakable. Not sure why humans have got something so fragile right in the middle of the face, but there you go.
○ In conclusion: humans produce an excessive amount of fluids and they are all inconvenient. I've counted at least six different kinds. Prepare yourselves.

Hopefully you'll find it educational, straight from one of your own. I mean, you could go down to medical. Absolutely nothing wrong with that. I do, however, have it on good account that the blokes there enjoy assaulting unsuspecting computers and tossing them in bathtubs without any--without any regard or--or consideration for hydrophobia that. May or may not have resulted from untold decades of being made entirely of metal and circuitry. Insensitive, that.

But, you know. Your choice. Don't say I didn't warn you.

[VIDEO OVER THE END. Wait no he's back.]

Oh, um. Mister Johnson wanted me to. Let everyone know that if you have not filled out an Enrichment Center Test Subject Application, please do so and send the completed form to either Mister Johnson or myself at 001-043 or 001-089, respectively. We appreciate your cooperation; thank you for helping us help you help us all.

Comments

voice

[coffeeking]

[Ianto did not intend to broadcast this, but he accidentally hit a button when he started laughing. Have some laughter, Wheatley.]

[video]

[testgasm]

Uh, yes? Everything all right there? How may I help you?

[voice]

[godseer]

[ There's chuckles from this end. ] Your list isn't quite exhaustive, Wheatley. There's far more aspects regarding personal hygiene that you should probably be aware of. Fang maintenance, for a start. And I believe anyone finding themselves in a female body may have problems you weren't quite qualified to think of.

[video]

[testgasm]

[why is everyone laughing this is very important science.]

Thought I'd cover the basics, first. Breathing, and all that. Maybe add some secondary necessities in the sequel. Don't want to overwhelm anybody, after all. Quite a lot to take in, really.

[voice]

[functioningperfectly]

I think this was a very good start, though I believe we haven't yet encountered every facet of human life yet. [He's so pleased you called him a colleague, too. And proud! Aww, Wheatley, grabbin' the bull by the horns!]

[video]

[testgasm]

[YESSSSS HAL APPROVES clearly that means this list is PERFECT BEYOND ALL REASON

ten thousand points to hufflepuff the presidents of the Society of Very Sophisticated AI Brethren, HAL and Wheatley, Colleagues Extraordinaire]

Feel free to go ahead and add on whatever you think is missing. We can make it a collaborative effort.

[video]

[lookingsharp]

So you're a computer?!

[video]

[testgasm]

I am, in fact, a highly sophisticated artificial intelligence. So yes. A computer.

[hummerdoc]

Speaking of personal experience re: the zippers, Wheatley?

As for the bath? You were rather fragrant. Humans produce oils and sweat which in turn is digested by bacteria on their skin. Thus giving rise to odor.

[testgasm]

Oh, Doctor Watson told you about all that, did he? So much for doctor-patient confidentiality, then.

I'll have you know I am right out of the shower. [He sort of shakes his hair out, flecking his end of the video feed with drops of water.] See? All wet.

video;

[herocomplex]

_{[ He reads this over, then cups his chin. ]}

---Hey, Wheaties!
Did anybody ever tell you about the birds and the bees yet? I can totally fill you in all of that--!

video;

[hummerdoc]

Primus. Humans do like to display their procreation activities to their communication networks.

[video]

[the_vishual]

[ Chase at least manages to be somewhat polite. She's stopped laughing (mostly) as she clicks on the videofeed ]

Wheatley, that's an amazing list you've got!

[video]

[testgasm]

Do you like it? Think it's pretty impressive, myself. Still a work in progress, but, uh. Informative. Educational. All good qualities of lists.

[text]

[scratched]

holy shit dude you are doing this whole thing completely wrong

[audio]

[testgasm]

[oh god

oh man

oh god it's dave

it's creepy tragic dave who raps all aloooone (as opposed to bird dave who might also be creepy?) what do]

Okay, look, mate, I don't know exactly what it is you're after, but I--I'm not interested.

[text]

[whatanovelty]

Emotions can also be tricky for those who aren't used to having them. I can speak from experience, even though my malfunction occurred before I woke up here.

((Ack, that text font was teenie-weenie. /edit))

[video]

[testgasm]

Ah, see, I'm sort of lucky, then. Got all the programming in that department. Simulated, but good enough, I suppose. Did you not...have that?

[Not here ... ?] PS this post is gorgeous.

[fractured_warrior]

[Pinged by the mention of Artificial Intelligence. He's still in denial that they've all been turned into something he can't integrate. No. Can't happen.]

just doing my civic duty

[testgasm]

[nah dude come on i am totally legit]

voice;

[saidhe]

Your observations are largely exaggerated, egregiously.

Explain the Enrichment Center, if you will, and what a test subject will be used for.

[video]

[testgasm]

If by egregiously exaggerated, you mean incredibly accurate and very helpful to the artificial intelligences that reside on this ship, then yes. It is.

Ah! The Enrichment Center is dedicated to forwarding the cause of science. Being a test subject is just about the most helpful thing a human can possibly do. They, um...they test. Science.

[video; encrypted; 80%]

[megamind]

[golfclap]

Bravoo, bravoo [yes he can't even get that right]

Did you figure all of that out by yourself? Or did you need someone to get out the big heavy biology texts for you?

[video]

[testgasm]

Yes, I did. And it's obviously no concern of yours at all, so I don't even know why you're here.

Voice

[theblogger]

[ Wheatley, what is he going to do with you? Jesus Christ. But he's reading over this list and it's not... terrible. Don't get him wrong - it's ridiculous, but he gives you points for effort. ]

Wheatley, you refuse to be reasoned with at times. I'm sorry for any trauma I might have given you with the water, but I didn't see how else I could convince you. It worked out in the end, though, didn't it?

[ Somewhat approving there - yes, he sees that you have showered. Or at least washed your face. ]

I know it seems odd to you, but everything about the human body does somewhat serve a purpose. It's just as organized as any machine.

[video]

[testgasm]

[Laud him with praise, obviously, for doing such a thorough job in chronicling the life and times of leaky humans this list is perfect and beautiful]

Ah! Brilliant. Was wondering when you'd show up.

You could have asked. Maybe said something like "Wheatley, do you fancy being submerged in roughly a dozen gallons of water?" and I--

Well, I still would have said no. But then you could have asked "why not?" and then I could have calmly explained it to you and we could have reasoned it out like civilized beings and reached a mutual understanding instead of all this "Wheatley we are getting you into a bathtub no ifs ands or buts" manhandling right off the bat.

And also, no, it's the most unorganized, inefficient platform I have ever had the misfortune of being trapped in. I can understand hair on the head. Sort of aesthetic, keeps you warm, I assume. Why everywhere else? Pointless.

[statsraaden]

Well, I think Dr Watson told you everything that I wanted to say, except better.

And my name is Stats.

[testgasm]

Okay, honestly. Are you--are you a bit muddled on how interpersonal relationships work, when parties don't get along? I really do not understand why you keep coming back to offer me your opinion when I believe I've made it abundantly explicit that I have absolutely no interest in it, or you, or your name, whatsoever.

[audio]

[cave_johnson]

Fantastic--you finished it. Now you can get back to doing mundane tasks for me. Rest assured however, if I ever forget how to be human, I'll certainly refer to this list.

[video]

[testgasm]

Oh, um. Of course, Mister Johnson. What do you need me to do?

[voice]

[the_crowing]

Nice list. I'd note that there are more fragile and breakable places then the nose. You might want to keep that one in mind.

[video]

[testgasm]

Well, I'd assume nearly everything on a human is breakable, really, but the nose was a bit of a, um. Firsthand experience. My nose isn't broken, of course, but there are certain individuals who were unfortunate enough to have that experience.

[I kicked a guy in the face.]

[Text]

[vestalvogue]

[Excuse you Wheatley you have got clothes all wrong.]

No Zippers Should Not Be On The Back Of Jumpsuits
Zippers Should Be On The Front Unless Your Clothing Is So Complicated That You Cannot Put It On Yourself Without Assistance Anyway
In Which Case It Does Not Matter Where The Zippers And Or Buttons Go As Long As They Are Not Aesthetically Distracting And Reachable
The Point Is To Be Able To Put Them On Without Forcing As You Have So Conveniently Discovered For Yourself Joints To Bend The Wrong Way And Actually Get Them On
Also They Are Not Optional
You Will Just Have To Learn Not To Catch Bits Which Should Be Intuitive

[video]

[testgasm]

[no clothes are for chumps fuk da police]

But I don't see why not! There's nothing wrong with wanting a zipper on the back of a jumpsuit, if that's what's more convenient. You, ah. May not have picked up on it, but fashion is sort of--sort of at the bottom of the lists. Of my interests.

Anyway, it's mostly an observation of another human design flaw. If you've got sensitive bits in front, why would you design clothes with zippers that also go in the front--that's just asking for trouble.

I don't know why there are zippers at all, honestly. Needlessly complicated. If you ask me, everything should have more, um. Velcro.

voice;

[unwaveringloyalty]

Your list is not conclusive.

[video]

[testgasm]

Got things to add, then?

video

[france]

My friend, my friend, you have forgotten the very most important thing that humans must have. The pinnacle of their existence, their motivation and the only thing that truly matters in life.

video

[testgasm]

[POSSIBLY HE IS GENUINELY CURIOUS??]

Hm? What's that, then?