01 test [Audio]

[cave_johnson]

[thump thump]

...This thing on?

[There another set of unpleasant thump thumps on the comm device as Cave rasps his bony finger across it, like tapping a microphone. It is boggling that Cave has gone on this long using it just for commenting or replying to other people with--they were truly little marvels; lots of buttons, fun to play with. It takes a couple more seconds of fumbling before he realizes it is indeed, on. Just the audio, but that's all he needs.]

Cave Johnson here. If you've recently experienced disorientation, nudity, nausea, temporary memory loss or mild to severe cannibalism due to crippling hunger, that's normal. Or so I assume. This jumping business has only happened twice so far.

But if you can collect yourselves enough to turn on this device and understand the words comin' out of my mouth: congratulations, you're one step ahead of the game! If not and you're hearing my voice telepathically, lack opposable thumbs, or if you are currently standing within earshot of me--welcome to space. That's right; space. Final frontier, you are in it.

By the way, if you're receptive of my unrealized telepathy, please let me know.

Now, you may have noticed you've got a set of numbers on your arm. That's normal too, and if any of them are accompanied by the letters S-C-I, that clearly stands for science, which you are now an honorary part of. Life, destiny, and fate has been transcribed into your very flesh and blood. No use fighting it!

Real question is, what are you going to do about it? Why not fill out a couple of forms and see what I can do for you. And what you can do for science.

Cave Johnson, we're done here.

[Said form is kind of long, even condensed as it is from the original; Fill it out in whole, part, don't do it at all. Totally optional and for funsies. ALSO, this post was probably backdated a smidge.]

<code> Loaded: ENRICHMENT CENTER TEST SUBJECT APPLICATION PROCESS Form: FORMS-EN-2873C-FORM (PERSONALITY & GENERAL KNOWLEDGE) <b>1) If given a choice, what would you like to be called?</b> <b>2) It is important to consult a physician or MEDICAL STAFF before starting an Aperture Science Enrichment Center program. If one or more of the statements listed below applies to you, please contact your supervisor to secure permission to consult a physician before beginning an Enrichment Center program. Pick the condition that most applies to you.</b> 1] dizziness 2] shortness of breath 3] problems waking up in the morning 4] problems staying up 48 hours straight 5] have not previously performed an enrichment center program <b>3) What is your favorite color?</b> 01] Peach-orange 02] Powder blue 03] Cyan 04] Chartreuse 05] Jade 06] Dark coral 07] Navy blue 08] Pale mauve 09] Linen 10] Dark goldenrod 11] Pumpkin 12] Dark cerulean 13] Zinnwaldite 14] Rust 15] Lavender Blush 16] Green 17] Lilac 18] Blue 19] Midnight Blue 20] Tan 21] Carmine 22] Amber 23] Indigo 24] Pale red-violet 25] Lemon Cream 26] Pale chestnut 27] Bondi Blue 28] Gamboge 29] Gold 30] Steel blue 31] Tangerine 32] Lime 33] Seashell 34] Pale pink 35] Dark turquoise 36] Pale cornflower blue 37] Denim 38] Emerald 39] Burnt Sienna 40] Buff 41] Brown 42] Pear 43] Orangatang Red 44] Chestnut 45] Cerulean 46] Dark Tea Green 47] Dark salmon 48] Sandy brown 49] Dark tan 50] Pine Green 51] Flax 52] Ochre 53] Bronze 54] Klein Blue 55] Pale Sandy Brown 56] Teal 57] Azure 58] Dark Terra cotta 59] International orange 60] Red 61] Orange 62] Safety Orange 63] Coral 64] Scarlet 65] Light brown 66] Olive Drab 67] Magenta 68] Bistre 69] Cerulean blue 70] Dodger blue 71] Cobalt 72] Violet-eggplant 73] Amethyst 74] Sapphire 75] Ultramarine 76] Fuchsia 77] Heliotrope 78] Cinnamon 79] Chocolate 80] Goldenrod 81] Sea Green 82] Pastel pink 83] Persian blue 84] Mountbatten pink 85] Pale carmine 86] Bright green 87] Turquoise 88] Gray 89] Gray-Tea Green 90] Dark blue 91] Cerise 92] Pale brown 93] Green-yellow 94] Raw umber 95] Lavender <b>4) How do others describe your education?</b> 01] Nursery School 02] Grade School 03] Junior High 04] High School 05] Some College 06] Associates Degree 07] Bachelors 08] Graduate Degree 09] PhD / Post Doctoral 10] None <b>5) Not including periods of mandatory silence, what is the longest you have gone voluntarily without talking?</b> 1] 1 Day 2] 2-5 Days 3] 7-14 Days 4] 14-30 Days 5] 30-90 Days 6] 90 Days - 6 Months 7] 1 Year 8] Greater Than 1 Year <b>6) Your favorite color is:</b> 01] Camouflage green 02] Sangria 03] Salmon 04] Pale magenta 05] Swamp green 06] Pastel green 07] Carrot 08] Burgundy 09] Mint Green 10] Wheat 11] Aqua 12] Thistle 13] Vermilion 14] School bus yellow 15] Khaki 16] Cornflower blue 17] Dark light blue 18] Dark slate gray 19] Mustard 20] Hot pink 21] Dark pastel green 22] Dark brown 23] Papaya whip 24] Dark spring green 25] Cooked umber 26] Dark chestnut 27] Dark Khaki 28] Russet 29] Burnt umber 30] Wisteria 31] Beige 32] Selective yellow 33] Viridian 34] Old Gold 35] Mauve 36] Dark violet 37] Dark pink 38] Aquamarine 39] Slate gray 40] Royal Blue 41] Terra cotta 42] Blaze Orange 43] Dark Indigo 44] Violet 45] Dark tangerine 46] Saffron 47] Olive 48] Tenné 49] Peach 50] Maroon 51] Silver 52] Robin egg blue 53] Pink 54] Asparagus 55] Purple 56] Pale Blue 57] Dark green 58] Yankee Yellow 59] Navajo white 60] Fern green 61] Bright violet 62] Corn 63] Eggplant 64] Bright turquoise 65] Gray-asparagus 66] Moss green 67] Taupe 68] Dark Olive 69] Red-violet 70] Burnt Orange 71] Orchid 72] Peach-yellow 73] Spring Green 74] Lemon 75] Puce 76] Periwinkle 77] Celadon 78] Dark Scarlet 79] Yellow 80] Black 81] Alizarin Crimson 82] Prussian blue 83] Malachite 84] Dark Peach 85] White 86] Brass 87] Cardinal 88] Alice Blue 89] Cream 90] Tea Green 91] Sepia 92] Crimson 93] Copper 94] Pink-orange <b>7) Lying about my favorite color makes me feel:</b> 1] Sorry 2] Not Sorry <b>8) Are you plagued by suspicions that other people, including coworkers and relatives, may be doing things behind your back that will hurt you?</b> 1] Yes 2] No <b>9) What is your favorite meal?</b> 1] Lunch 2] Dinner <b>10) Please choose the description that best describes your personality:</b> 01] Childish 02] Oafish 03] Stolid 04] Timid 05] Reserved 06] Conceited 07] Scornful 08] Boastful 09] Sleepy 10] Stable <b>11) Which interrogation technique do you think would be most effective on you?</b> 01] Going Next Door 02] Pain 03] Nobody Loves You 04] The All-Seeing Eye 05] The Barbering Curriculum 06] The Informer 07] News from Home 08] The Witness 09] Joint Suspects 10] The Big Bang 11] Pearls Before Swine 12] Chicken Button 13] Death Eats a Sandwich 14] Hammerhead 15] Hammerhand 16] Fried Hole 17] Hangri-La 18] Ivan Is a Dope 19] Joint Interrogators 20] Law of Partial Pressure 21] The Spinoza 22] Gospel Shark 23] Cloud Cuckoo Land 24] The Wolf in Sheep's Clothing 25] Good Cop / Ventriloquist Cop 26] Alice in Wonderland 27] Monster Polygraph 28] Confession is Good for the Soul 29] Silver Tongued Devil 30] Deep Sea Diver 31] Pay The Piper 32] Federal Bikini Inspector 33] Big Wig 34] Carlsbad Caverns 35] The Boy Who Cried 36] Goonland 37] Role-Role Theory 38] Zipf's Law 39] Stream of Unconsciousness 40] Flash in the Pan 41] The Little Bird 42] Welcome to Bethany 43] Ampere's Rule 44] The Dental Assistant <b>12) Have you experienced recurrent thoughts of regicide?</b> 1] Yes 2] No <b>13) If you answered 'yes' to the previous question, please rate the following statement: I know what 'regicide' means.</b> 1] Strongly Disagree 2] Disagree 3] Agree 4] Strongly Agree 5] N/A <b>14) You are a liar:</b> 1] Can't Honestly Disagree 2] Agree 3] Strongly Agree <b>15) Please acknowledge before continuing: I understand that my responses to all items in this questionnaire are the property of Aperture Science, The Tranquility, Space. As such, they will remain strictly confidential, though they may be used to distribute prizes and/or initiate, prolong, or modify the invasive properties of authorized questioning, investigation, testing, and surveillance.</b> 1] I have read all or most of the above. <b>16) Are you functionally incapacitated by witnessing other people's misery?</b> 1] Yes 2] No <b>17) Do you trust yourself?</b> 1] Yes 2] No <b>18) If you disappeared tomorrow would anyone miss you?</b> 1] Yes 2] No <b>19) Do you feel depressed, guilty, or remorseful?</b> 1] Yes 2] No <b>20) Do you ever have feelings that people are talking about you or watching you?</b> 1] Yes 2] No <b>21) Rate the pain you have been able to withstand without losing consciousness:</b> 01] 1- Slight Pain 02] 2 03] 3 04] 4 05] 5 - Regular Pain 06] 6 07] 7 08] 8 09] 9 10] 10 - Worst Pain Imaginable <b>22) Complete the following statement with the answer that DOES NOT apply to you: I am often:</b> 01] worried that life is vague and unreal 02] suspicious of the actions of others 03] prejudiced in favor of my own department, lab, product, skin color, etc. 04] convinced that nobody really cares about me 05] disturbed by the noise of the wind 06] enraged by the petty foibles of those around me 07] irritated by my past failures and children 08] too depressed to kill an animal or colleague in order to put it out of its pain 09] convinced of the correctness of my opinions on subjects about which I am not an expert 10] speaking very slowly for no apparent reason <b>23) Complete this sentence,</b> <b>24) Do you feel bad that you have let your coworkers and/or larger mandated collective down?</b> 1] Yes 2] No <b>25) Pick the sentence that incorrectly employs the word 'excruciating'.</b> 1] The test caused excruciating pain. 2] The participant felt excruciating pain. 3] I like to eat cake while excruciating. <b>26) Pick your favorite type of cake.</b> 01] Angel food cake 02] Apple cake 03] Babka 04] Battenburg cake 05] Baumkuchen 06] Birthday cake 07] Black Forest cake 08] Buccellato 09] Bundt cake 10] Butter cake 11] Butterfly cake 12] Carrot cake 13] Cheesecake 14] Chocolate cake 15] Christmas cake 16] Chiffon cake 17] Croquembouche 18] Cupcake 19] Date and walnut loaf 20] Devil's food cake 21] Eccles cake 22] Fairy cake 23] Fifteens 24] Fruit cake 25] Sponge cake 26] Génoise Cake 27] Gingerbread 28] Gob 29] Gooey butter cake 30] Honey cake 31] Hot milk cake 32] Hummingbird cake 33] Ice cream cake 34] Jaffa Cakes 35] Suncake 36] Mooncake 37] Orehnjac(a 38] Pancake 39] Panettone 40] Petit fours 41] Pineapple Upside Down Cake 42] Pound cake 43] Queen Elizabeth cake 44] Red bean cake 45] Red velvet cake 46] Rhubarb cake 47] Sachertorte 48] St. Honore Cake 49] Simnel cake 50] Spice cake 51] German chocolate cake 52] Stack cake 53] Leavened cake, Hefekuchen 54] Tarte Tatin 55] Teacake 56] Tres leches cake 57] Vanilla slice 58] Vanilla Crazy Cake 59] Victoria Sponge 60] Wedding cake <b>27) Gender</b> <b>28) Your arm number:</b> <b>39) What is your height and weight?</b> 1] Short and unhealthy 2] Short and stout 3] Average and ugly 4] Tall and ungainly 5] Tall and fat 6] Tall and short <b>30) I have completed this form without the assistance of someone else.</b> 1] Yes 2] No Congratulations! You have finished the ENRICHMENT CENTER TEST SUBJECT APPLICATION FORMS-EN-2873C-FORM (PART1: PERSONALITY & GENERAL KNOWLEDGE). </code>

Comments

[audio]

[cave_johnson]

Entirely possible. What's your name and where're you from?

[audio]

[lookingsharp]

Great! I'm Sora and I'm from Destiny Islands.

[audio]

[cave_johnson]

Destiny Islands? Never hearda' them. Probably somewhere near the Galapagos, right?

[text]

[lookingsharp]

I've never heard of it. If you can get me to Wonderland, I can probably figure out where to go from there.

[audio]

[cave_johnson]

Wonderland? That's easy. All you gotta' do is find is a white rabbit and follow it.

[text]

[lookingsharp]

That's not how you find Wonderland. Do you have a map?

[audio]

[cave_johnson]

I'm pretty sure that's how you get there--unless you're talking about a figurative Wonderland that can only be visited via drug-induced hallucinations, in which case you'll still need a white rabbit.

Or you're talkin' about something else entirely different. Describe it to me.