008 [AUDIO]

[testgasm]

[And now, a public service announcement from your resident lord and master of gross exaggeration, poster child of pointless overreaction, supreme champion of the ninety-mile-an-hour whinge--]

There's a cow in the oxygen garden.

[He doesn't even bother to hide the undercurrent of disgust in the audio feed, an edge to his voice that makes it clear he's most likely had a recent run-in with the aforementioned cow and/or a cow by-product.]

There's a cow in the oxygen garden why is there a cow in the oxygen garden on what strange, bizarro planet did any of you think this was a good idea?

Agh, it's--nevermind, I'm absolutely positive that at least some of you come from strange, bizarro planets where this sort of thing is acceptable. I mean, the cats and the dogs and--I heard there's a horse, too--are bad enough, now we've got livestock.

And don't even--don't even get me started on the bloody birds. Filthy. Eugh.

I know we're probably still hung up on certain unnamed parties forgetting how to swim, and yes, fair enough, it's tragic, but I think we could all use a, ah. Friendly reminder. This is, in fact, a spaceship. Not a zoo. How is that--What's the point, anyway? It's all--it's all great that the ship packed up your giant killer wolf and dumped it in your locker just for you, but maybe the rest of us are not entirely comfortable with the idea of cows and horses and giant killer wolves out! Anyone think of that?

You can't walk five feet around here without running into someone's pet. We have got to start talking about what to do with all these animals. Honestly.

Comments

/punches this hiatus in the face

[unheroic]

hey man. humans? we aren't that squishy and aren't you human now too?

doesn't that make you squishy?

aw yisss

[testgasm]

Thank you. For noting the obvious.

And just so it's on the record, you lot are pretty squishy.

I FINALLY FINISHED PORTAL 2

[unheroic]

no we aren't. how would you know? you been human long?

YES GOOD

[testgasm]

Long enough. The entire time I've been here. You've got, what, zero-zero-eight or zero-zero-nine on your arm, I'll bet. I'm zero-zero-one, I'm sure you can do the math.

[unheroic]

I came here at 003 or 002 or something actually. but yeah, something like that.

so you've been 'squishy' a long time. there's ways not to be squishy, you know? can you fight?

[testgasm]

Yes! I can fight. I have sort of--sort of been teaching myself to fight. Busted up a bloke's nose, once. Pretty handy with a spanner, too.

Still squishy, though. Unfortunate constant.

[unheroic]

that's not fighting. not really. they still do those fight clubs up here? do you go to those?

not all humans are squishy. you gotta learn how to fight back.

[testgasm]

What do you mean, that's not fighting? Of course it's fighting, he assaulted me so I kicked him in the face and he bled everywhere.

How do you think I made it back here when we all went to that space station? Unless you weren't there, so I'll just tell you. I fought off the authorities with my spanner.

[unheroic]

But you can fight without a spanner. You can jackie chan that shit up. Hand to hand that thing like no tomorrow.

no i missed the field trip.

[testgasm]

Assuming Jackie Chan is a reference to someone or something that fights incredibly well, yes. Yes I can.

[No he can't.</small.] Probably for the best you missed it. Unpleasant, that.

[unheroic]

Jackie Chan doesn't spanner it up though. I gotta teach you how to kung fu, man.

[testgasm]

And you know kung fu, I presume.

[unheroic]

No, but we can learn kung fu together.

[testgasm]

Right, uh. Are you sure that's a good idea?

[unheroic]

You don't wanna be my kung fu buddy?

[testgasm]

I mean, we've only just met.

[unheroic]

are you gonna yell stranger danger?

[testgasm]

Possibly! Can never be too careful, around here.

[unheroic]

There's a word you need to learn bro. It's chillax.

[testgasm]

I'm unfamiliar with that term.

[unheroic]

Its when you squish two words together. Chill and Relax. Chill and Relax. Repeat after me, hombre. Chillax.

[testgasm]

What's wrong with saying both words?

[unheroic]

Chillax sounds better. You're not chillaxing.

[testgasm]

I'm perfectly chillaxed.

[unheroic]

dude youre kind of a spaz.